I was getting some good feedback on the relatively minor issue that a year and a half into separation and just before we told the kids and a week before he moved out he spent what is to us a very large amount of money at a Couples Boutique nearby that sells sex toys and lingerie. That upset me because it brings up feelings I feel are pointless, jealousies and disappointments, resentments and insecurities, anger about money, hopelessness to see him moving on, and irritation to see him acting out like someone I've never known.
I was told by several that this is probably innocuous and there might be a good explanation that would prevent my mixed up feelings, but I sincerely doubt that. All the events and hurts that are behind my mixed up feelings are still there even if he was shopping with a buddy who had no credit card with him and just couldn't wait to get his girlfriend's Christmas gift.
And as I've reminded H numerous times, he moved out. His business is his business and mine is mine. But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings. Denying my feelings in large part got me here, and is a major project I've been working on for almost two years now. I'm not going to tell my feelings to detach because honestly that's not always healthy. Sometimes you have to feel them and sort them out. You have to respect them.
Also, I was really impressed with the answer about how marriage is emotional, spiritual and legal, and the real parts of it ended long ago, making it sort of ok that my husband is forming new relationships or at least having sex with someone. I thought that made sense yesterday, and today I don't anymore.
I'm married until I'm divorced. It's simpler for me, and it feels right, and I pledged myself, my heart and my life, to a commitment to marriage. It looks very likely that my H isn't going to stay in it, but until it's legally undone I'm legally married. I've learned enough to know all situations are more complicated than anyone can know, so I don't speak for anyone but me. But this is what I considered this morning:
I've got two boys, who in 10 years will be considering getting married. Do I tell them, hey, it's fine to date, have sex, whatever, with anyone now; we're no longer committed to each other, we're no longer required to be faithful, because honestly the marriage ended when dad started emotionally cutting me off, and it really ended when he moved out. The rest is just a meaningless piece of paper. So don't worry, as soon as you don't feel married, you're not...go ahead, have fun, move on, you deserve to be happy.
They do deserve to be happy, but their spouses and their honor and self-respect deserve to follow the rules they signed up for, to BE in the marriage while you're in it, to make a good faith effort to FIX it when it breaks, and to at least wait until it's legally over before hooking up with someone else. That's what I think I would tell my boys, and that's what I intend to live.
I have no control over my H and I don't want him back right now, but it does feel a little unfair that he gets to find himself and seek gratification and I get to manage unruly teens, help them with laundry and cooking, keep the house up, take care of people and work 24/7. I do love what I do, but it isn't 100% fulfilling me because I want love too, eventually.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
