Less lonely, not scared..low on patience

[AJM]

J, you have a very wise friend. I gave similar advice to a friend of mine a few years ago. Fast forward to now. His fiance and he are calling it quits and she's moving out. I asked him about it and one of the things he said was that he got involved with her too early in the relationship. I told her that early on as well. I don't like being right in this instance, but it's an example of how your friend is most likely right.

Your W is going through some tough transitions in her life. She may be there a very very long time. I think you're spot on with your plans. A new car, a house, a vacation. One thing you really need to get past is the idea that it's your responsibility to help her out. Keeping the money flowing for now is likely going to help with the legal disentanglement. But be careful that you don't do that too long and be careful that you take care of you. She is telling you loud and clear, not to take care of her. Her plans are not something you can really see. You see bits and pieces of it. But they are her plans and she needs to see them through. She can't stop and it would be unwise to get her to.

You can't reason with her. You can point out reality to her all day long and it would be like talking to a red rubber ball at this point. You know that though, from your counseling sessions.

She is like a drowning person, J. You want to help her, but if you do, you'll likely drown with her. She has to do it. She can do it. She will be better for it when it's all said and done. You'll get hurt along the way if you stay too close though.

I can tell you from my experience you don't see all of what's going on. I'm a lot like you in your thinking. It pained me to no end to watch that train-wreck. It was painful to have her trying actively to hurt me. She still tries, but it no longer hurts and barely gets a reaction from me. Your friend was right, it takes a lot of time. What he may have also mentioned is that it will take her a lot of time too. Her actions will be "odd" for quite some time most likely. Keep that in mind and try to keep the compassion and the distance. Both will keep you sane and human, but the best way to help her now is to let her do things on her own.

Peace,

AJ