Ok. So I'm about to "go dim" for a while. I must focus on me 100% right now. I am worried about the W and her emotional state, but unless she wants to do something about it or more importantly wants me to help it really doesn't matter. I picked up our son today from school and dropped him off at MIL's house. She didn't say much and as usual lately she was just in pajama pants and a sweatshirt laying in bed. I told her thanks for letting me pick up S and that I would call him later. She said bye. When I returned to office I sent her text:
M: w, I just wanted to let you know that things have been really good lately with S and other things. You are a great mom to him and its beginning to show. Having said that, you seem upset lately. Is there anything I can do to help?
W: No
M: K. If you need anything let me know
I just figured I would ask her one more time before I pull back. I'm pulling back because honestly it is beginning to bring me down. I need to focus on a positive future with or without her
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Sorry to hear how things are going. My W is nowhere near this state but just seeing my W sad is so hard to take. It must be really hard on you to see that. You are right though that there is nothing you can do if they don't want help. I hope things get better. Stay strong for yourself and your S.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Well so much for "going dim" Haha Wife texted me this morning that she hasn't called the RetroV people back and that she was stressed about everything about it. She asked if I could come see her to discuss. So I got there and I asked her stresses and just listened. She said she is jut stressed with everything going on and that he will be in Florida looking for a new horse mar 17th-21st and that will be emotional. Then to come back and do retrov weekend just seems like too much for her right now. I told her that was ok and I completely understand. Told her that it may be too soon anyways( thanks AS!) She said I say that, BUT that I will be upset or hold it against her if she doesn't go. I said nope! No one can force us to go. And it's perfectly fine if its too much right now. She said she would at least call them to go over the statement in case she does decide to go last minute. I said sounds good. If we I great and if not there are always other weekends we can go to. Told her there was no reason to rush things. Now I'm going back to "dim" Lol
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
sorry to jump in... but your patience is awesome!! WTG cbtdad!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
She didn't say much and as usual lately she was just in pajama pants and a sweatshirt laying in bed. I told her thanks for letting me pick up S and that I would call him later. She said bye. When I returned to office I sent her text:
M: w, I just wanted to let you know that things have been really good lately with S and other things. You are a great mom to him and its beginning to show.
A few things- 1. You say she's always laying in bed in pajamas and is having mental problems. Words of Affirmation are great, but they have to be honest. In my opinion I think they're misplaced in this case. You're rewarding her for bad behavior. 2. WoA need to be SPECIFIC. Don't say "you're a great mom", that's too generic. If and when she does something great, then tell her. To give you an example, my W showed up unexpectedly at S9's basketball banquet last night. Afterwards I texted her "thank you for showing up at S9's event, he was so happy to see you! Things like that mean so much to him, and it's wonderful that you took the time to do it!" 3. "its beginning to show" implies that she's never been a great mom before. I would strike verbiage like that in the future.
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Having said that, you seem upset lately. Is there anything I can do to help?
Of course not, because YOU are why she's upset. Everything is YOUR fault. At least, that's what she thinks right now and it's going to take lots of time and space before she realizes she's the problem, not you. No need to point these things out to her, saying things like this is probably just making her mad.
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I just figured I would ask her one more time before I pull back. I'm pulling back because honestly it is beginning to bring me down. I need to focus on a positive future with or without her
Yes you do. So do it. And prepare to do it for the long haul. Don't do it a day or two and then reach out to her for a temperature check again, because every time you reach out to her you set the clock back to zero. If you imagine a timeline labeled "Give Her Space" at the top, the starting point is titled "The Day I Quit Pressuring Her". Every time you apply pressure your marker gets moved back to the start. So each day, picture that marker a little farther along the path, hopefully that'll help you to understand the importance of maintaining your distance and resisting applying pressure.
Guess I posted too soon, LOL! But if she reaches out to you like that, it's OK to respond.
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I told her that was ok and I completely understand. Told her that it may be too soon anyways( thanks AS!) She said I say that, BUT that I will be upset or hold it against her if she doesn't go. I said nope! No one can force us to go. And it's perfectly fine if its too much right now.
Good response! The only thing I want to mention is try to validate more, so when she said you will be upset or hold it against her, instead of just disagreeing you might have said something like "I can understand why you would feel that way based on my past behavior, but I'm committed to not being like that anymore, so I do feel I would not hold it against you like I might have in the past." This way you're validating her concerns, but promising different behavior. And of course it's extremely important to show her that new behavior, if she does decide not to go then maintain PMA, say it's no problem and maybe mention that there will be more RetroV sessions in the future.
Wow anotherstander, what great advice. I'm glad I read this as most of us can apply to our situation.
Me:34 W:26 Together:5yrs M:6/4/11 1st bomb 11/11 2nd bomb 1/21/13 W files for D 3/18/13 She's living with her mom S:13 Previous marriage S:11 Previous marriage She has OM Previous FWB
Thanks for the tips AS!! I am going to continue to work on my patience and strive to get better with that. I definitely did affirm that "i understand why she feels that way and that I dont want to be like that anymore. Thats what I am working on" She actually texted me an hour after we spoke and asked to meet up again. She informed me that she was still stressed. I got the chance to reaffirm that it is ok and that no matter if we make it or not it will be fine. I tild of course I would like to go to the RetroV here locally because its closer and so would the follow up sessions be, but that if we dont get to go that is completely fine. Then she ended bringing up other thins as well and it gave us a chance to discuss more things. THe bottom line is that she said she wants to try and work on this marriage at sometime whether it be in RetroV or with MC, but she just isnt ready. I told her quite frankly neither am I and that I would continue to work on myself and that she should continue to take care of herself. i said when the time is right we will work on it. We both agree that we want to work on it at some point and not just walk away. We want to be able to look at S in the future and honestly say that we tried everything to stay together and have no regrets. Now, patience patience patience patience
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Can someone help me understand why evn though W says she wants to work on it at some point it seems like I'm having a harder time not thinking about it? I know it's gonna take time and patience. But I'm having these fears and anxiety about whether I'm going to actually get that chance. I feel like the more time goes by the worse chance we have at reconciling things. I would have thought by her saying he does want to work on things at some point it would be easier for me to focus on me and not think about it. Ugh!!!
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
