Grizz - IDK what you're doing to GAL, besides visiting with friends. I HIGHLY suggest working out, if you're not already doing this. This activity not only helps you achieve a goal of getting in better shape, but, it has the added side effect of REALLY burning off the frustration involved with the roller coaster ride as well as helping with the PMA.
AS & FY had some great insight in their posts. None of this is easy and it rarely ever makes sense. But, this site and Michelle's books give us the tools to accomplish our goals. It's our job to learn to use them properly. You're doing great!!
AZ, I do compliment my W but not nearly as much as I used to (prior to BD). I don't know, doing it now seems like I am just trying to score some points with her so I haven't been doing it as often. Seems like she may think of it as pursuing.
VG, I don't really think she is doing it on purpose or playing games. That was kind of said tongue in cheek. It is just very confusing and frustrating.
Forever, I so hope that I can be strong enough to QUIETLY be the husband she wants. I agree that her staying out of guilt is not good for anyone. She does feel guilty right now and I know this. I also truly know that she is sad and hurting about this entire sitch. It is alot to give up. We have put alot into this M.
One of my biggest problems throughout is that I will be cold, detached (not in a good way), pout and mope around. I have improved this recently and I need to continue to improve this. The past 2 days have been pretty good with communication and just being relaxed around the house. I hope this continues.
Thanks again for checking in.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Blake, good to hear from you. I have not been working out much recently. I could probably do it during lunch at work. Before and after work are so busy with the kids that I am not sure when I would fit it in. I will try to do something though. I have always enjoyed exercise in the past. I love sports and can't wait till it warms up. I stopped playing softball a few years ago and will likely pick that up again. Thanks again for checking in. Keep up the good work on your end.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Check out Bodylastics exercise bands. I have a complete set and the door anchor. I workout at home and get a pretty good workout as well. Maybe not as good as full gym access, but, it is effective.
I have/had a tendency to be passive aggressive. When I would be upset/mad I would pull away, clam up and just not communicate. So for part of my 180s I am working in this. But here is the problem.
When W comes home from being out I try not ask many questions because early on she said I was smothering her. But I am afraid that she will read this as me being the same ole Grizz and being passive aggressive by not asking her how things went. I am not sure which way to proceed. Keep quiet so I don't smother her but this is read as being passive aggressive or ask how her night was, how OUR friends are, etc to just try to be friendly and run the risk that I am prying and smothering her.
Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
When she comes home ask "how was your evening." She says whatever she says. You can respond +/or validate, depending on what the answer is, just don't dig for details.
If you're being who you want to be and feel good about that, what she thinks of you is her business.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Grizz I skimmed this post so forgive my feedback if doesn't align.
Grizz why are you still pursuiting your wife. Do not ask her to sit next to you. Do not initiate a kiss to her. If she wants to kiss you goodbye then do so. Do not buy her cards. stop the pursuit ok.
Grizz stop overanalyzing and projecting. if your W wants to leave you she will leave you no matter what you do. STOP doing things that you think will keep her in the marriage. Do things because they are right.
Saying she will leave me after she gets a job is wrong and you are not a fortune teller. I use to do this so I know. I use to say. W is going to leave me after Thx Giving, after xmas, after birthday, after easter, after after after after... STOP
When are you going to start focusing on yourself?? Do you see the entire focus is on her. Stop pursuiting. You can detach and not be cold. I know it is hard but do it.
What will you do to GAL going forward. I goto ACOA meetings. I play texas holdem, I goto the gym, i play the acoustic guitar. I still GAL and my life is slowly turning back to positive.
Don't waste a year of your life in victim mode like I did. Yes that is what you are doing. Focus on your kids. Focus on yourself. Start doing 180's that will make you a person only a fool would want to leave ("25"). Start living your life ("bond")
Take the advice and implement a plan. Do not just read the advice on here and let it go in one ear and out the other. Start doing things and stop worrying about what your W's reaction will be. I am not saying be an idiot here either. Only YOU know you're own sitch. I took the advice of many veterans. I also didn't do things they advised knowing my W and her personality.
I appreciate your straight forward responses. I have backed off of the pursuit compared to several months ago but I do need to continue to back off more. This is hard. Nobody said it would be easy. The weekends seem to be when I backslide some. Probably because I am around her more. Maybe I need to start getting out of the house even more on the weekends.
For my self growth: reading (I have never been a reader except for the sports page), trying to change my passive aggressive tendencies and spending more time with "just the guys". I have always been very involved with my kids and I will continue to be. Except now there are 3 of us instead of 4 that do things together.
I think I am the next great fortune teller. I may even head to Vegas to cash in on this. Actually, I try to read her mind all of the time and it is awful. I have to stop doing this before I go totally insane.
I love your statement about " start doing things and don't worry about W reaction." I definitely think about her reaction prior to doing just about anything. I know, over analyzing.
Both of you eluded to, do what is right and don't worry about what she thinks. That is a very good point.
Thanks again for all of your insight and support.
One more question. I know I need to stop pursuing. But if I initiate ML, she usually will. I think that this helps keep some sort of connection which is a good thing but it is definitely pursuing. Any thoughts?
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
One more question. I know I need to stop pursuing. But if I initiate ML, she usually will. I think that this helps keep some sort of connection which is a good thing but it is definitely pursuing. Any thoughts?
I still ML with WAW, but am not the one to initiate it. I have read on this MB that as long as it is not hurting you emotionally that it is alright...that it does perhaps keep a connection, though it certainly doesn't guarantee anything.
-tmd
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I don't know the answer to ML question actually. If I tried that with my W she would flipped out. I am sure a more seasoned veteran could chime in. Some counselors promote ML to stay connected .
Actually, I try to read her mind all of the time and it is awful. I have to stop doing this before I go totally insane.