That boundary you set sounds awfully like control and manipulation
I have to disagree.
The boundary that Spartan set was about taking control of his life, regardless of what his W is doing.
As far as manipulation, the reality is that she has filed for D. Doing things with the children separatly, is part of that reality and allowing her to see and feel that is in no way manipulating.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Not a whole lot different in my sitch, just moving along. Been spending a lot of time on MLC forum reading and talking with people and it's becoming clear to me that this is where W is residing rather than pure WAS. Pretty sure she read Midlife for Dummies thread because she's following the advanced version perfect .
Someone is interested in buying our house and it's not even on market yet so that's had me a little tied up this week. It's another step towards D which blows. Other issue was kids were home during the showing, I got home that night and D7 obviously wasn't doing good with it and was VERY mad at mom. I got her calmed down and we had another talk later that night. Hard stuff acting 'as if' everything is fine with kids when I'm struggling with this stuff myself. So far I'm doing good with it though.
W and I had talk about selling house, custody, etc...a couple days ago and I was very calm throughout and validated pretty well. She tried to push buttons a couple times and spewed some complete nonsense a few other times but I didn't let it affect me this time.
I didn't follow DB completely though. At one point she asked me the "why did it take this long for you to make all these changes". I told her I didn't really know but before BD I wasn't ready myself to make changes and told her I guess I had to do a lot of wrong things and make bad decisions to know what the right things looked like. She was asking questions and seemed receptive to hearing things so I talked more than I probably should have about things I had worked on (told ya I didn't follow DB 37 rules). If nothing else I think it made her think because she was up pretty late looking deep in thought. I'm sure it made little difference in big picture but for whatever reason I felt better. Since then I've continued towards the "backing into reality" mindset by creating a little friendly distance.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I didn't follow DB completely though. At one point she asked me the "why did it take this long for you to make all these changes". I told her I didn't really know but before BD I wasn't ready myself to make changes and told her I guess I had to do a lot of wrong things and make bad decisions to know what the right things looked like. She was asking questions and seemed receptive to hearing things so I talked more than I probably should have about things I had worked on (told ya I didn't follow DB 37 rules). If nothing else I think it made her think because she was up pretty late looking deep in thought. I'm sure it made little difference in big picture but for whatever reason I felt better. Since then I've continued towards the "backing into reality" mindset by creating a little friendly distance.
I don' think it is bad to answer questions about change if spouse asks why. I would not go overboard talking about all the changes, but explaining why seems ok, IMO.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I opened a profile and sent a friend request...still bummed we can't kill stuff though.
Sounds like you are handling yourself great. Those tough conversations are hard, but how you are handling them shows how far you've come. W has noticed...just keep them going. Consistent changes over a long period of time = changes she can believe in.
Thought I should post something to my own sitch. Not a whole lot new, just staying the course.
Friendly distancing seems to be going well. W is initiating more small talk and I'm listening and validating. Today she even initiated convo complaining about court process (I so wanted to remind her this is her idea but I didn't, I just empathized with her having to change her work schedule...). I rarely initiate any discussions not related to kids. Been very friendly with it though. I've also not shown that anything she says or does bothers me, in fact I've acted the opposite with her just staying calm and cool.
One thing I've noticed last few days is glimpses of my old W with her interaction with kids. I have no expectations it will continue but I LOVE seeing her being happy, caring, and really interacting with them. She's also including me in night prayers with kids (I haven't been included since pre-BD). Again I have no expectations of any of this continuing long or it really meaning much big picture, likely just her popping her head out the tunnel for a couple days.
Initial court date was today and nothing came out of it, W didn't dismiss but wasn't expecting that . Next court date is set for 5/28 and our mediator has been selected. I asked my L to slow things down as much as possible without it being obvious, he selected mediator that is notoriously busy so we'll see when that gets scheduled.
I've been doing all planning/ prep for S4's 5th B-day party this weekend. Not sure if W will be there or not. W has had a falling out with couple parents of S4 friends during this D process. She's told me both yes and no last couple weeks. I told her it's completely up to her and she's obviously welcome and wanted there but reminded her that it's S4's party and he wanted his friends there. I REALLY hope she decides to come, I think S4 will have a tough time with it if she doesn't come and I know he won't go to W with it. I'll be there for him but hate that he gets hurt during this BS. I SO want to tell her I remember my 5th B-day party (Superman cake and first major even my dad didn't show up for something, it become the norm after that). I know it would do no good and just add pressure which serves no purpose.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
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