Hey JP, thought I'd stop by. I am an oldtimer with a new name wink and I see you've been visited by my friend, Mach. Good guy. Listen to him.

I think it's great that you want to read all these books. Knowledge is power. The thing is, while it is great to want to learn about stuff as it pertains to you, I'm kind of the mindset that it's also good to sit quietly and reflect.

I have done a few things in the past when I wanted to figure out me and who I wanted to be.

I would look at the people I admired and tried to write down what characteristics and traits I found admirable. I'd also write down the things about me that I felt I would like to change.

I made bucketlists of stuff I always wanted to try. Small things and big things.

I looked at the things my spouse said and really analyzed them to see which ones had merit and discarded the rest.

J, you are awfully hard on yourself. I was, too. Still am at times.

The thing is that we do the best we can with the tools and knowledge we have at the time. When we know better, we can do better.

And I always felt that anything I did or didnt do in my marriage was never with the intent to cause harm. And with that mindset, I was able to forgive myself. Took some time and some work, but, it is doable.

I try each day to be the person I want to be. Some days I make it, some I dont. But each day that is the goal.

You arent a bad person, J. Forgive yourself.

Start there. The rest will follow.