Finally getting it after three months...

[jp787]

Ok, this is how messed up I am. Oldest daughter wants to apply to four colleges and one in is in the same city as OM that wife had an EA with. That is all I can see, not that the college may be a good one.

Well... obviously you do see it otherwise you wouldn't be pointing it out. That indicates an impulse control problem. Your issue isn't that you don't see it, your issue is controlling your emotions surrounding it. Different issue altogether.

You mention a lot that you are afraid. Can I ask what you are afraid of? Why don't you try writing them down. JP, I've been in this mess for 2 1/2 years. My H tried coming back a year ago. I finally relented 6 months ago. And I left him recently. You know what I realized? I've been letting fear drive the ship. I was afraid of being alone, afraid of being broke, afraid of having to move, afraid of finding another job, afraid of having to date... afraid of all kinds of things. I realized a few things:
[quote=lostinscared]
1) It's ok to be afraid, move forward anyway

2) We tend to turn our fears into catastrophe

Everything I fear becomes catastroic

3) Our fears are based on very few facts

Yes the unknown, my imgination works overtime looking at the worst

4) We are too often paralyzed by our fears

Me a lot of the time

5) We become myopic in our vision when fear is driving us

Yes, me

6) Fear driving the ship ALWAYS makes a bad situation worse.

So... what are your fears?

Fear of being alone has to be number one or my W being with someone else, then failing, having to re-figure everything out, yes I know it has to happen regardless, but there is a security to having my W with me still. Fear of not being loved, losing time with my daughters, although I threw away years of time when I wasnt emotionally there for them. Fear of making friends, being rejected, not being liked, etc. Fear of everything, I feel like an afraid little kid who cant move at times.

I am must be afraid of succeeding and being happy...
I get stressed or afraid and want to go to bed and sleep the fear away.
I think I should print all of my post and all of everyone's replies and take them to my IC lol.
I need a taste of confidence again, maybe that would help get me going.
It seems like every time I get up I don't last long and fall right back down.
I am already feeling guilt for getting so much great advice and not being able to better myself from it.

[lostinscared]

Do me a favor? Move Self Compassion towards the top of your list. It's not a relationship book... it's a book to save yourself. You need that right now.

1) Fear of being alone - did you have this fear before you met your wife? Do you really think that at age 44 you are NEVER going to meet anyone again (if the worst case scenario happens here). If you believe you will never meet anyone again, why? I think if you analyze this deeply, you're going to find out that this is more fear of not having W than of being alone. If the worst case scenario happens, I have news for you... there are a lot of people out there. I don't subscribe to the soul mate theory. There are a lot of people we can get along with and who we will love and love us back...

2) Fear of failure - again, pride based. The wonderful thing about DB is that you CAN'T fail if you work the program correctly. This is so much more about self growth and reflection. I see in you so much that you want to grow. Allow yourself to do so.

3) Fear of "re-figuring everything out" - Fear of change? Well, all of us have that! Can you tell me a time in your life you dreaded a change and it turned out to be the exact right thing?

4) Fear of losing time with your D - Well, don't fear it, it's happening right now in a way. Now, your course is to make the time with your daughters quality time. How can you connect with them with the time you do have?

You do need some confidence. Your issue with being emotionally abusive is the classic sign of someone who has self esteem issues. You want your confidence back? Start working on YOU. You are not going to get confidence from your W, your daughters, your marriage... that's going to come from YOU.

JP, I have soooooo much hope for you. Sooooo much. I see you quite introspective about your faults here. But Mach is so right... take responsibility for you. Don't take on the whole thing. I have a friend on these forums who had some of the same behaviors as you. He blamed EVERYTHING on himself. He ended up reconciling. But you know what he said in the end? He realized that the breakdown wasn't ALL his fault. He saw his part clearly but took on far too much. Go look him up... Denver... you might learn a lot.

I'm praying for you.

LIS

[jp787]

Any recommendations on books on Self Compassion? So many out there!!!

[lostinscared]

The Kristin Neff book you noted above is a fantastic one. It did a lot for me. I, too, suffer from self esteem issues... just manifests different.

[Mach1]

How you holdin up today JP ??

[needgrace]

Hi JP, If you go to the soundstrue website, they are doing a free series on self compassion and kristin neff is the first speaker. I just listened to her and she is awesome. Take care, JP.

[needgrace]

Hi JP, If you go to the soundstrue website, they are doing a free series on self compassion and kristin neff is the first speaker. I just listened to her and she is awesome. Take care, JP.

[uRworthy]

Hey JP, thought I'd stop by. I am an oldtimer with a new name and I see you've been visited by my friend, Mach. Good guy. Listen to him.

I think it's great that you want to read all these books. Knowledge is power. The thing is, while it is great to want to learn about stuff as it pertains to you, I'm kind of the mindset that it's also good to sit quietly and reflect.

I have done a few things in the past when I wanted to figure out me and who I wanted to be.

I would look at the people I admired and tried to write down what characteristics and traits I found admirable. I'd also write down the things about me that I felt I would like to change.

I made bucketlists of stuff I always wanted to try. Small things and big things.

I looked at the things my spouse said and really analyzed them to see which ones had merit and discarded the rest.

J, you are awfully hard on yourself. I was, too. Still am at times.

The thing is that we do the best we can with the tools and knowledge we have at the time. When we know better, we can do better.

And I always felt that anything I did or didnt do in my marriage was never with the intent to cause harm. And with that mindset, I was able to forgive myself. Took some time and some work, but, it is doable.

I try each day to be the person I want to be. Some days I make it, some I dont. But each day that is the goal.

You arent a bad person, J. Forgive yourself.

Start there. The rest will follow.

[needgrace]

Love this, unworthy. Thank you. I needed this today.