Still working on me

[sweetbabyred]

Had a great time at the Irish festival last night. Went on campus today and met two other online students who live fairly close by. We exchanged contact info, so that's good.

My phone is having issues receiving texts, so I found out that my text convo with H early yesterday am didn't end when I thought it did since he sent me four more messages that I got about 17 hours later.

I thought it was pretty interesting, although I still don't have any expectations that anything will change.

H: I'm just tired of all of this. It wasn't supposed to be this way. You were supposed to be it... IT!!!! Why are we here at this point?

M: I don't have the answer to that. But I do think that a lot of people give up on their first marriages too easy. They think it should be happily ever after with no effort. And that's not real life.

This is the point where I thought the conversation ended. I believe every word I said and am not pursuing him anymore, so I was ok with it.

Instead H sent the following.

"I'm thinking you are very right!!!

He then told me to go to bed, that he was very drunk, and to have a good night.

Good thing I didn't get that until I was rushing out of the house to meet my friends or I might have tried to read too much into it.

H just thought that he was unhappy and that if he got away from me his life would be fun and exciting. And maybe it is, but he's still not happy and he's starting to realize that.

I wish he'd go see his IC again, but he thinks he can't afford it.

He admitted to "wasting time" with current OW. I wish he'd have the strength to dump her and figure out things on his own. SS will be here in three weeks and I'd really like him to have a strong, confident father as a role model.

[sweetbabyred]

"Reason is not automatic. Those who deny it cannot be conquered by it. Do not count on them. Leave them alone." I'd swear that Ayn Rand was talking about someone with MLC!

I just heard this on an old episode of Criminal Minds and I immediately thought of H. Just because it makes sense to me doesn't mean it'll change anything for him. I know that, but this quote is good reminder.

[sweetbabyred]

All the discussions from the summer about being a lighthouse for your WAS/MLCer are so true.

Although my sitch hasn't improved, H has mentioned that I believe in him and know he's a good person. I didn't think he was paying attention, but in every email I'd send, I'd put something in about him being a good man and wanting him to be happy.

And even through the fog, he's hearing it, although he's still choosing to stay with an OW who treats him like cr@p. Most of the time he thinks he deserves it, but every once in a while he wonders if he does deserve better. And that's when he remembers what I've said to him all along.

No matter what happens, I can be sure that I did the best I could. I can't save H from his depression and can only hope that he finds his way out.

[sweetbabyred]

Around 10:30 pm I got a text from H asking if I was busy. I said "no more than usual" and almost immediately my phone rang.

First off, he told me that his bonus is coming this week and then he'll pay me, so we'll see what happens.

H just keeps saying that he's confused. He asked if I'd gone to church that day. I said no and he asked if I still went. I said I did when I could. H asked if I'd pray for him when I went. I told him that I prayed for him and my entire family every night.

I mentioned that I was concerned about SS being around OW because I don't think she's a good influence. H said that she might not last that long. I said he'll be back in town in three weeks and H said, yes, she might not last that long.

H then shared a story about SS. He'd talked to him a few days ago and SS wants his sister, mom, stepdad, H and me to all go play laser tag when they move back. H and I took him last spring to do that and he absolutely loved it.

H told me that SS didn't mention OW at all. Of course not, he only saw her a few times over the summer and I'm his stepmom. It made me cry, because I miss that kid so much. H did say that I'd always be his stepmom, no matter what. That's a change from some of the spew last fall.

H was in the hospital on Friday. Something is wrong with his stomach, and of course the doctors told him not to drink, but he was at the bar on Sunday night.

I guess it's a good thing that he's reaching out, but I'm not sure if he'll take any action, or if it'll be quick enough to make a difference.

I kept reading that WAS/MlCers usually try to come back at some point, but often the LBS has moved on. I am so close to that point right now. I think I'll end up filing in April if H doesn't and doesn't make any attempts to R.

We spoke for about an hour and a half and it was a decent conversation. Quite a bit of R talk, but all initiated by him.

I've spent the last two years examining my part in what went wrong and working to improve myself. H just seems to have tried not to think about things and hope they'd magically improve. I'm not sure if he's even capable of doing the work to be happy.

I hope that H can make it through this, because he does sound absolutely miserable.

[sweetbabyred]

“Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely.” ~Rodin

Saw this quote and it describes how I feel about this process. I'm doing my best to use it wisely.

Started my kickboxing bootcamp yesterday and have had a great day so far today. And I got a notice that H deposited the money that he owes me! Hallelujah!!!!

That takes some of the financial pressure off me right now. And it'll make it easier for me to file if I need to in April.

So happy right now, but I've got to write a paper. I'll check back later.

[sweetbabyred]

So, right after I wrote that, I got a text from H asking if I was home. He wanted to stop by and bring the tax forms. I desperately need them, and had joked earlier with H that I'd rather finish up our taxes than write my paper. I also asked about my Christmas ornaments and he promised them.

Fortunately I had an interview for a school paper this morning, so I was somewhat dressy and looked cute. I frantically tried to pick up my piles of school work, but my place looked pretty good.

H came by and gave me a hug. He started talking, but didn't want to sit down. So we stood for awhile and after 20 min or so he decided to sit.

He's in love with OW, but knows that she doesn't love him. He's scared to break up with her because he doesn't want to run into her and he got her on vball and her friend moved into his complex. He is just terrified to do something wrong and instead is sitting in his apt most of the day and then drinking all night.

He told me that he's terrified that we'd get back together and it wouldn't work. So he's just frozen and can't do anything. It's pretty sad.

He ended up asking me to dinner and it was the first time he'd really eaten in four days. He's just falling apart and I'm afraid that he might end up being suicidal.

I'm not sure if he'll ever be healthy or strong enough to try to make our M work. I'm scared for him.

I've got to get to work now. I've got a fairly large project due tomorrow.

[sweetbabyred]

When it rains, it pours. Sometime last night, OW broke up with H again. And he actually texted me to see if I had anything to do with it.

She is insanely jealous of me, so even if I'd tried to get them to break up, it would have only made her cling to him more. And I'm a little too busy to deal with the drama of little girls.

They've broken up before, so who knows how long it will last. I did see (because one of his family members reposted it) that he asked everyone he knew who was friends with OW on fb to delete her as he wants no reminder that he was with her.

Maybe he will move on now. She has a horrible temper and I don't want her around my SS.

[Takevowsserious]

Hey sweet -

Was just reading up on your stuff - these MLCers are too much!

There's a quote on the hero's spouse site about how the emotional high of all the emotional drama can sustain the affair couple through multiple break- ups.

They love the drama, don't they?

If you get a chance, google "31 Reasons to Stop An Affair". I'm reading it now, good stuff, even though I'm not the one in my M who should be reading it!

Anyway, reason #1: your baggage never gets lost in transit - it always shows up at your new destination.

Eventually, they realize the grass is most certainly not greener on the other side.
Yeah, no kidding.

The kickboxing sounds like fun! I used to do the Tae Bo tapes back in the day lol! Now, I calm myself and stay fit with yoga. Yes, the best revenge is being happy, acting with dignity and class, and all that good stuff. But having a buff body doesn't hurt either

[sweetbabyred]

TVS, thanks for taking the time to read and respond. Yes, it is crazy. Thanks for the 31 reasons link. It looks pretty extensive, so I'll have to read it once I get a few of my projects out of the way.

So they did break up. It might be over for good, as H has deactivated his FB so that he doesn't have to deal with seeing any thing about the sitch, even though he also defriended anyone that he met through her.

Before closing his account, he posted on his page asking any mutual friends that he was still friends with to remove her, as he wanted no reminder of what he had done. He said that it was very embarrassing, but he had to ask them to do so.

Right now I'm just trying to be a friend to him. He feels stupid because he did everything she asked, trying to make it work, and spent so much money on her. And now he's realizing that she probably didn't feel the same way about him.

He's not in a place right now to decide if he wants to work on things with us. At least he's realizing that he needs to get his self confidence back and figure out what he really wants in life.

And you know what, that's what I want for him right now. I do love him, but I actually think I could be ok just being friends. He needs to learn again how to be a good father, son, brother, and friend, without losing himself in the process. Maybe he'll want to be a husband too, but I'm just going to take it day by day.

His family is worried about him, especially after he left FB, but they're all concerned that I'm going to get hurt again. I might, but right now I'm ok with the sitch.

[sweetbabyred]

H still has a long ways to go, but he joined a boxing gym yesterday (I'm jealous!) and went to see the IC today that he was seeing last spring.

The IC feels that H needs to file so that I can be free to find someone who is ready for what I'm looking for. That H might want those things with me in the future, but isn't ready right now and it's not fair for him to ask me to wait.

H had kind of come to the same conclusion last night, so it wasn't completely unexpected. And while I don't want a D, maybe this is what needs to happen. We'd have 60 days before it would be final, so who knows what could happen.

From the beginning, I've said that I want him to figure out how to be happy. And he may need to do this in order to find it.

He's still in love with her, although he knows she wasn't right for him. She seemed to hate everything about him and put him down all the time. It's sad to hear about some of the things that she did to him. He was depressed before, and after months of this he's really beaten down.

His IC recommended that he join AA, not necessarily because he's an alcoholic, but because a lot of the members are having spiritual issues and need a place to go. He also said H should join a church and try to meet people because he needs to be around people and his job has him working from home all the time.

A week ago I was really worried that he might try to kill himself, so he's come a long way since then. Maybe one day we will find our way back together, but I can't have any expectations.