Less lonely, not scared..low on patience

[JBolt]

Howdy from the worst DBer ever.

W and I are, regrettably, heading to mediation next week. After less than two months into our 'trial' separation she told me on Valentines Day she was ready to file and would soon. She was just waiting until I got settled in my place, she never really was considering whether to work on us or not (her words). She told me this again over the weekend as I said in an earlier post.

It's very apparent to me that she hasn't even thought of any of the consequences with this. I'm already sending her about 50% more a month than I'm required by law for both child and spousal support, and that will stop when the D is finalized. W will never be able to afford our current house payment, the utilities along will eat her alive. A part of me feels like a heel, but I have been abused and disrespected enough. She so desperately wants out of our marriage, in her mind it's the final thread connecting her to our past besides the kids, she has severed all other ties with family and friends. I just don't know how she is going to make it, I really don't.

I, however, plan to make the most of for me and the kids. I want/need a new car, my current one is 15 yrs old and shows it! I'm going to start shopping for on by the end of the month. I want to by a house for me and the kids by the end of the year. My apartments great and I'm getting a really great deal on it, but I want a home. I'm thinking about saving for a European vacation summer 2014, Italy probably for this first trip.

My friend and I were having lunch today. I told him about mediation and my concerns for W. I also mentioned how I was still quite lonely at times. He said, I told you we could hang out at any time, come over for dinner, whatever. I said that was not exactly what I was talking about. I miss the companionship, not having someone to come home to and talk about the day, holding hands, snuggling up on the coach, other things It's been 5 months.

I told him from what I understand the most common complaint from single ladies in their late 30's to early 40's is that all the good guys are taken. He was worried about a rebound relationship. I said I don't think I'll be ready for anything like that for a while. I'm a family man frequent casual dating with other people doesn't really appeal to me. Then he gave me some good advice. He said, if you don't wait for that W shaped hole in your heart to close up and heal, you will be constantly trying to fill it with the wrong 'shaped' people. You and that person will never be happy because you will be constantly trying to fit her into that hole and after 25 years together, it's going to take time for it to heal. Did I mention how smart this guy is.I really like that metaphor. Maybe for the last 23 years she has been trying to fill the hole in her heart from her mom's death with me. I with her the best, I really do. I Anyway, I'll post again when something interesting happens. Love to you all.
J.