Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.

[Raine]

Thanks snodderly, T, Dawn and AJ, for always being so helpful, letting me vent, and keeping me in check. You always relieve so much anxiety and help me focus on the big picture.

snodderly, I'm not touching him with a 10ft pole. There have been a handful of hugs since S, but nothing else. So, I think I'm okay for the std now, but would not do anything with him without him having him do a full workup first. I don't think he would ever try to make a move, not even a kiss, while he was cycling between other woman (and I wouldn't let him either.) I don't think he wants to hurt me, and that's why he holds back any feelings he has towards me, if he does feel them at certain moments. Maybe there is a respect for me. He's not going to treat me like OWs. Whether that is respect or fear of rejection or that I represent the full relationship that he can't handle right now, who knows. Probably depends on the minute of the day.

I think there is always going to be that anxiety when a new woman is brought into play. Not the anxiety of H cheating, but the anxiety of will this go somewhere? Will this woman become someone who will be around by boys? But this seems to be same old stuff. A night of him being charming and validating and building her up, and then right on to the physical, teenager approach. Could that possibly be "Let me take you to dinner? Let's go see a movie?" No, no, let's go with making out in a parking lot and then afterwards why don't you send me pictures of your bits and bobs. This is pretty funny to me. I could not imagine in my wildest dreams allowing an encounter like that to happen if I was dating someone for the first time. So, I feel better today. It's just more of the same. No more thoughts of H starting a new life and new family with a 22 yr old.

The most upsetting thing to me yesterday was thinking that the cheating started when I needed him most, and yet he feels I have failed him when he needed me. That was hurtful, even though I had a pretty good idea before, it was the solidification of it.

AJ, I hear you loud and clear. When this all started, I felt so out of control. Now I truly feel like it will end when I say it will end. I do want the infidelity to implode all on it's own with me far, far away from it all. And yeah, it's annoying that everything seems so hunky dory with it all.

I don't see H making any moves with D. That convo we had last week where he opened up a bit to me, stressed the heck out of him. I can't imagine him being capable of handling filing for D at this point. And honestly, even though I think I could do really well by filing for D right now, I don't want to put him through that. He still feels wronged by me, but also seems so worried, careful and concerned that I am just going to leave him forever. This too is just hard for me to reconcile, even knowing as much as I do, I hate the illogicality of it.

When things like this happen, I think of my timeline. I have a time period in my head of certain things I want to do before filing and roughly when those events will take place. So then I think, I'm not waiting for him. I'm not waiting for someone who is cheating on me to put his life together. I'm waiting for x, y, z. I do have other things that would cause me to take immediate action, namely anything that would put me or the kids at risk financially or otherwise, or if he files, I will take action then too. But I like the idea of getting through my timeline, seeing where I'm at, and then seeing if I want to set quarterly check-ins with myself, like T^2 does.

...

So he just called me because he wanted to tell me how well his presentation had gone. I was very excited for him. This is new, for him to call up like this. He hasn't done this since BD, the calling up to share something with me that he had accomplished. We used to always bounced work ideas, projects, and how to manage people and situations off of each other. I was a big cheerleader to him on the phone. It felt really good to be that person for him again. He told me it has completely drained him, the stress of it all. I can't believe how much stress he has right now, how things effect him so badly. It's ironic to me that since he was so concerned about this presentation and the stress from it is still effecting him even now, that he would be out super late the night before, but whatever.

My journey has turned me into the exact opposite of that. I used to be an immediate reactor when it comes to work or kids or anything really. Now I'm so much more chill, go with the flow, patience, and thought behind everything. Not always the case on this board, but definitely with work, family, friends, and H. I hope he one day can get to that point where he can handle the stress in a similar way.