She didn't say much and as usual lately she was just in pajama pants and a sweatshirt laying in bed. I told her thanks for letting me pick up S and that I would call him later. She said bye. When I returned to office I sent her text:
M: w, I just wanted to let you know that things have been really good lately with S and other things. You are a great mom to him and its beginning to show.
A few things- 1. You say she's always laying in bed in pajamas and is having mental problems. Words of Affirmation are great, but they have to be honest. In my opinion I think they're misplaced in this case. You're rewarding her for bad behavior. 2. WoA need to be SPECIFIC. Don't say "you're a great mom", that's too generic. If and when she does something great, then tell her. To give you an example, my W showed up unexpectedly at S9's basketball banquet last night. Afterwards I texted her "thank you for showing up at S9's event, he was so happy to see you! Things like that mean so much to him, and it's wonderful that you took the time to do it!" 3. "its beginning to show" implies that she's never been a great mom before. I would strike verbiage like that in the future.
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Having said that, you seem upset lately. Is there anything I can do to help?
Of course not, because YOU are why she's upset. Everything is YOUR fault. At least, that's what she thinks right now and it's going to take lots of time and space before she realizes she's the problem, not you. No need to point these things out to her, saying things like this is probably just making her mad.
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I just figured I would ask her one more time before I pull back. I'm pulling back because honestly it is beginning to bring me down. I need to focus on a positive future with or without her
Yes you do. So do it. And prepare to do it for the long haul. Don't do it a day or two and then reach out to her for a temperature check again, because every time you reach out to her you set the clock back to zero. If you imagine a timeline labeled "Give Her Space" at the top, the starting point is titled "The Day I Quit Pressuring Her". Every time you apply pressure your marker gets moved back to the start. So each day, picture that marker a little farther along the path, hopefully that'll help you to understand the importance of maintaining your distance and resisting applying pressure.
