Sitting in the back seat!

[Occy01]

Discussion today at MC mainly about how we should tell the children. W pursuing mutual, me pursuin 'her decision'. W not happy about this. Asked me that" couldn't we just say that we don't love each other anymore." For the children's sake, so as not to put blame on one of us. I told her that I wasn't interested in making her out to be the bad one, and myself the victim, but that the truth should be told. Its her decision to leave. I want to work it out. W not too happy about this.

MC wonders why it should be W who tells them, not me. I reply " its her decision" W not happy

MC doesn't agree with W moving out so soon. Thinks she's moving too fast. W says that when things get tough between us, when I get that 'look' ( she means a bad mood, or not willing to talk about D), she feels like she just wants to get away. MC replied " well you will have a key, you can go there when you need to. But you'll both have to pay for 2 houses." W said nothing. MC asks me if that would be ok for me, I reply " of course it is. I dont want her to move out at all" Looking back, probably not the smartest thing to say.

Not really solved anything about how to tell the kids. Still pulling in different directions

[LuckyLuke]

Good for you for holding your position Occy01, even with the wife not happy.

Luke

[Occy01]

Thanks Luke. Really really worried about Friday evening. Its going to be unbearable to see the look on their beautiful faces. The pain, the sadness....sometimes I am sooo mad with W for making this decision, even though I know its faults in our R that has pushed her to it. But just throwing in the towel, causing so much pain and destruction, leaving behind her broken hearts and home, I find hard to understand. Does she hate me that much that it is better to go down this path, instead of trying to work on repairing our R???

Venting a bit there....needed that!

Thanks

[Occy01]

But just throwing in the towel, causing so much pain and destruction, leaving behind her broken hearts and home, I find hard to understand. Does she hate me that much that it is better to go down this path, instead of trying to work on repairing our R???

Just read through this post from last night. Feels like some of the answers are staring me in the face...

"Throwing in the towel".. Yes she is, for now.

"Leaving behind broken hearts and home"... Thats something I have control over. I decide if its broken or not. I can affect this. Not only for me, but most importantly for my children. I also understand that she's not leaving it behind, she is certainly also hurting, also suffering.

"Does she hate me that much....." No. I don't believe she does. She wants me to be happy, wants us to be friends. And yes, just now she wants to, needs to walk this path instead of working on our R. Understand this, but its so hard to accept.

Today is yet again an up and down day.

Must work more on PMA!!

[adinva]

Love that you're reviewing and reconsidering your own post. That is really good self analysis. We all feel over the top feelings sometimes and settle down later, and writing it down will help you manage it even closer to the moment in the future because it reinforces how the feelings do change.

[Occy01]

Thanks for your reply and encouragement adinva. Probably don´t need to tell you how great it feels that someone, somewhere in the world is taking time to read my posts and answer/offer advice...

Little more background stuff.. W complains frequently of my ego. Says that everything must be about me. If i am tired, not in a good mood etc then she says its more important for me to show the family this, instead of just swallowing it and creating a calm, happy atmosphere. She also mentioned this to MC. No surprise to me, I am aware of my past failures and am seeking counselling to get to terms with this. Reading ´The power of now`and 'A new Earth`by Eckhart Tolle to try understand a bit more about myself, and learn about a new way of thinking.

There have been many arguments in the past, but no active solution seeking to our problems. Just sweep it under the mat, apologise and move on. W just said she can´t take it anymore. Promise of change never lasted, and now its a case of too little too late... I understand that I never took her seriously, when she told me how upset she would often be, how it hurt her etc...Until BD. The shockwave that hit me, well, that´ll teach me for taking her for granted!!

[adinva]

Sorry to see that you have Friday hanging over your head. I really dreaded telling my kids, and I thought it would be the worst thing ever. I really didn't want to claim any part of it either, because it was entirely my H's idea.

It ended up pretty awful. I was a basket case all the while I thought it was imminent, and then when it finally happened I was just about shaking uncontrollably I was so upset. But I didn't want to make it easy on myself, or try to manage what would be said or felt, too much. I wanted my kids to cry if they were going to cry, or possibly not if they didn't. Whichever was right for them.

We stuck to blunt facts. We are separating. Your dad is going to move out. We plan to stay in the house so you'll not have to change schools or anything. We love you, it's not your fault. Sometimes things just don't turn out the way you wanted them to be.

Both my boys cried. It was heart wrenching to me.

Then my S15 left and began texting me questions, refusing to accept the party line that he didn't need to know details, only that we both loved him and it was between us and not his fault. He wanted to know specifically why. I finally told him that it wasn't my choice, and I didn't really have good answers because I didn't completely understand why either.

I could have gone further about how I wasn't a good enough wife, but I did not. I also didn't go further about how H wasn't a good enough H. I indicated that I thought he was very unhappy and that our home had not been the way I thought healthy for the boys for a while. Something needed to change.

I think as much as you plan, it's going to be horrible, and you'll get through it, and life will go on. If you can't pull your marriage back together - together - it's not going to be ok for the kids; the separation may just be necessary. You will have to help them through it.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Rely on your counselor, and write here to get it all out of your system, and love those kids like crazy.

[Occy01]

Hi adinva...thanks for coming by...

Sorry to see that you have Friday hanging over your head. I really dreaded telling my kids, and I thought it would be the worst thing ever. I really didn't want to claim any part of it either, because it was entirely my H's idea.

EXACTLY how i feel. Every waking moment is consumed with the thought of breaking my childrens hearts. Don't want to claim responsability for D, its W idea. (But i am aware that i am also responsable for the fact at we are here...)

It ended up pretty awful. I was a basket case all the while I thought it was imminent, and then when it finally happened I was just about shaking uncontrollably I was so upset. But I didn't want to make it easy on myself, or try to manage what would be said or felt, too much. I wanted my kids to cry if they were going to cry, or possibly not if they didn't. Whichever was right for them.

Can imagine your pain. Will probably end up in the same `basket` tomorrow. Am absolutely dreading this. As you know, I am not interseted in making W out to be the bad one, but I don´t know if a can go along with "We have decided" or " "Its a mutual decision" Or do you think I am just being stubborn/childish? Also will tell them its not their fault, I love them and I will be living here in their family home. They will be with me every other week.

Both my boys cried. It was heart wrenching to me.

Must have been devastating. Especially under such times when you / LBS is in such a fragile place emotionally.

I think as much as you plan, it's going to be horrible, and you'll get through it, and life will go on

I agree. I believe this is something that we cannot plan out to detail. Take each moment as it comes, and act on the childrens reactions. Try to be strong, for them.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Rely on your counselor, and write here to get it all out of your system, and love those kids like crazy.

Thanks again adinva. Will be meeting C tomorrow, will obviously be talking of this and trying to get some strength to help me through this, so I can be strong enough for my children.

Will probably be here tomorrow night (Swedish time), after childrens bed time, venting and telling my news. Helps to write it down here, gets thoughts in order. So thankful to have found this forum and for the members who take time to ´be there´.

[labug]

I'll be thinking of you. Telling my sons the news wasn't the most difficult thing I've had to do but it's probably #2.

But you will get through it and life will go on as Ad said.

Good luck.

[Occy01]

Thanks labug!

Have spent the afternoon reading DR. It doesn't cease to amaze me! Although not gothalf way through yet, almost every page, I wonder if its been written about my W! Great to reassert that my Sitch is not "original' and that my W actions and feelings toward me are very,very common!!