Living, Getting the Paperwork Started (20 months)

[AnotherStander]

I feel sorry for myself, that my friends' husbands and boyfriends would buy my friends sexy things and mine would buy me socks, and now will buy those things for someone else.

I understand where you're coming from, but you have got to detach!! You've got to find yourself, and quit letting your H affect your PMA!! My W wore the UGLIEST underwear you have ever seen in your life. I used to call her panties "granny panties" because they were HUGE. Those coupled with her tattered beige bras would make just about anyone cringe. I actually took her shopping for some sexy underwear, she wore them a few times and declared them "uncomfortable". Back to granny panties. Not too long before BD she suddenly invests in a veritable cornucopia of sexy VS panties and push-up bras. Imagine my surprise! It wasn't until after BD that it dawned on me that they weren't for me. I was upset, but I've long since gotten over it. That's just part of the WAS syndrome, they do things for others that they haven't done for us in years/ decades, if at all. Do their hair, wear perfume/ cologne, spruce up their wardrobe, lose weight, get tanned, get sexy underwear, etc. etc. It's part of the script!

I feel rejected, because while I've lived in a sexless marriage with him for many months and then a sexless separation for a couple more years he has shown signs and now this much more obvious evidence that he's going around outside the marriage.

I'm not sure if this will help you or not, but in order to deal with my sitch I came to a new understanding of what a marriage is. M has 3 components- emotional, spiritual and legal. The emotional part is basically the link between the two spouses. In my opinion this part of the marriage is severed at BD. The spiritual part is the agreement made with God, and when the WAS moves out they are severing that portion of the marriage contract (again, this is just my opinion). Basically the WAS is saying "I no longer recognize this M as being holy in God's eyes". The final part of M is the legal part, the document filed with the government that says you're married. This to me is the least important part of M. When the first two are broken the M basically no longer exists except on some piece of paper somewhere. All the vows and promises have been broken, there's nothing left except that meaningless piece of paper. So once the WAS moves out, the M is dead and gone and their actions are their own and no longer those of a married person. The LBS cannot control the estranged WAS, they have ZERO control or influence over them. The LBS can set boundaries, but can't enforce them, because they have no M to enforce them through. All the LBS can do at that point is detach and work on themselves and hope that some day the WAS might return for a NEW marriage.

Outside of being a parent, I believe that the drive to experiment with drugs, break rules, and take chances is just another side of the coin to the drive to build companies, solve problems others don't see solutions for, save lives.

Well I can't speak in general terms, but I've had two relatives that started out down that path of playing with drugs and breaking the rules in their teens while their parents looked the other way. One of them eventually resorted to breaking into homes to fund her activities. The other dropped out of high school and pursued a career in mowing lawns, supplemented with selling drugs on the side. Both have spent their years bouncing in and out of jail. That's what happens when parents become enablers. I think you're taking appropriate action with your S, this kind of behavior has got to be stopped early or it will continue to get worse.

[BklynMom]

FWIW I totally share your experience with some drug experimentation and traveling etc, I too agree it is part of growing into an adult. I think you are handling this situation very well, making consequences for your son and being forth right in the real effects of pot #1. being lack of motivation.

My thoughts on the sex store receipt. Advina, whether he is buying the sexy clothes for a lady or just sexy stuff for his own fun, isnt it obvious now that this whole crisis is about him and has very little to do with you & what a bad wife you were.

You have spent months fixing yourself, which yes needed to be done but now step back and look at what is really broken here & thats him.

It is strange for your H to be so not intouch with his own sexuality that you were in a sexless marriage and now he is into sex toys or what not.

You have done everything you can repair your damaged marriage but your H does not want it fixed he wants something else.