Ditto all that, and kudos for how well you are handling the kids.
If you check out a thread with my name on it (started by someone else but I sort of adopted it b/c it's way shorter than mine are)
you'll see that I have realized a lot lately about our kids and their issues with a former WAS. And these are relationship troubles that came even WITH a reconciliation.
A WAS may say and believe he is "leaving the m, NOT leaving the kids" but to the kids (and to most of the world)
it's usually the same thing.
Also, I would NOT worry about your losing feelings for him. Part of it may be a protective measure, part of it may be a "reality" dart getting through to you and big parts of those feelings may return.
What is the worst that would happen if you decided, "he's Not the man for me anymore"??
And what's the best that could happen?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25-First I am going to say it, because i know you will reply with it....keep a PMA....but here it goes.
I am just so annoyed and angry over this sitch, that I don't see the light that shows we get back together.
On one hand, I am thinking, what is wrong with me, this is the man that I love. Why won't I fight and endure this for him and our love and what a great future we could have together. On the other hand, I am thinking, girl, snap out of it, this is your new reality. The love and marriage you once had is gone, you are even losing the love you had that will never return, and you need to move on.
I will tell you that my mind, body and spirit are leaning towards the latter.
And yes, he did leave our kids as much as the marriage, I am hurt, they are hurt, and for someone who says he cares about all that, he has a funny way of showing it. I thought I could be strong, but I don't know that I can take much more of this...
25, as you said in a prior post, this can't go on for much longer. I want to, but I don't know how to get my heart there at the moment.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
25-First I am going to say it, because i know you will reply with it....keep a PMA....but here it goes.
I am just so annoyed and angry over this sitch, that I don't see the light that shows we get back together. I won't say "keep a PMA" when you're this upset and feel hopeless. I think this is a natural part of the process. I do NOT know where the process of grieving will lead you nor do I know if he'll wake up & show up, or in time.
But his behavior warrants a negative reaction from you. Period. As long as you don't ACT on that reaction, I think you just have to go with it... On one hand, I am thinking, what is wrong with me, this is the man that I love. Why won't I fight and endure this for him and our love and what a great future we could have together. B/C you now doubt that the future is what you once thought it would be. This question in your heart, is based on your h's behavior.
On the other hand, I am thinking, girl, snap out of it, this is your new reality. The love and marriage you once had is gone, you are even losing the love you had that will never return, and you need to move on. Worrying about the love you had returning/leaving is one thing. But since HE is not yet returning, does it matter? Won't letting go of the emotional attachment make it easier to cope if he does not return?
I will tell you that my mind, body and spirit are leaning towards the latter. I think your real fear here is that somehow, if YOU stop caring, HE won't come back...
which makes two thoughts come to mind. 1) so what? I mean, if he does not come back, then how do you suffer MORE b/c of not caring?
2) you think your not loving him will CAUSE him to not return? Well, I suppose that is possible. But you have made it clear you do care for him (previously) and it did not result in his return. In fact he found a 2nd OW? IS that accurate?
What seems to generate interest in you, at his end? You detaching? You being warmer? Is there any discernible pattern?
I thought he was still moping and not returning.
Yes he likes to get his family fix...so maybe your dilemma is "what to do about that?" You hate enabling him, but you also don't want to punish the kids by shutting his out of their lives...correct?
And yes, he did leave our kids as much as the marriage, I am hurt, they are hurt, and for someone who says he cares about all that, he has a funny way of showing it. I thought I could be strong, but I don't know that I can take much more of this... can you learn to see or view him as an "uncle" who sometimes does fun things with the kids, and sometimes does not even show up?
Try hard to Reduce any expectations of him beyond that.
25, as you said in a prior post, this can't go on for much longer. I want to, but I don't know how to get my heart there at the moment.
you don't have to KNOW how long...although I found a private internal deadline for limbo, helped ME to cope. I had a d in high school and I figured as long as the bills were getting paid and we could keep the house (not move) until d finished high school, I could endure. But I knew that after graduation day when she headed off to college, MY life would be MINE to live...
h, however, awakened before that time. But that was a 2 year timeline for me and we almost reached it.
You only have to do a day at a time. Sometimes, you have to do an HOUR at a time...later it does get easier to aim for a "week" at a time and then, sure enough a few months have passed and some wounds have started to heal.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25-I guess i was just feeling a little low today...I may have mis-written in a way that you didn't quite understand that, but I will clarify some of the things you have written...
Quote:
I won't say "keep a PMA" when you're this upset and feel hopeless. I think this is a natural part of the process. I do NOT know where the process of grieving will lead you nor do I know if he'll wake up & show up, or in time. Agreed
But his behavior warrants a negative reaction from you. Period. As long as you don't ACT on that reaction, I think you just have to go with it... Agreed
B/C you now doubt that the future is what you once thought it would be. This question in your heart, is based on your h's behavior. Actually-his lack there of, although he has shown improvement(I'll explain on this in a minute)
Worrying about the love you had returning/leaving is one thing. But since HE is not yet returning, does it matter? Won't letting go of the emotional attachment make it easier to cope if he does not return? Agreed
I think your real fear here is that somehow, if YOU stop caring, HE won't come back...
which makes two thoughts come to mind. 1) so what? I mean, if he does not come back, then how do you suffer MORE b/c of not caring? Soooo true.
2) you think your not loving him will CAUSE him to not return? Well, I suppose that is possible. But you have made it clear you do care for him (previously) and it did not result in his return. Exactly how I feel. In fact he found a 2nd OW? IS that accurate? No he has not as far as I know and this would cause me to drop the rope
What seems to generate interest in you, at his end? You detaching? You being warmer? Is there any discernible pattern? I am still trying to figure this one out.... I thought he was still moping and not returning. This is accurate to my knowledge
Yes he likes to get his family fix...so maybe your dilemma is "what to do about that?" You hate enabling him, but you also don't want to punish the kids by shutting his out of their lives...correct? Correct.
can you learn to see or view him as an "uncle" who sometimes does fun things with the kids, and sometimes does not even show up? Yes, this is good advice...I will try to learn this and feel it.
Try hard to Reduce any expectations of him beyond that. Trying...but am finding it difficult
you don't have to KNOW how long...although I found a private internal deadline for limbo, helped ME to cope. I had a d in high school and I figured as long as the bills were getting paid and we could keep the house (not move) until d finished high school, I could endure. But I knew that after graduation day when she headed off to college, MY life would be MINE to live I like this idea, and I will give it some thought...I think the only one I have right now is if H does find a 2nd OW or if I find an OM..
H has actually opened up more to me by telling me his plans on things he is doing...before I knew nothing. Just last night he explained to me that he is shooting pool with a really old buddy he ran into in the store. he also told me this morning that he has a seminar he is required to attend on Tuesday of next week and he can't take the kids to school in the morning and today he offered to pick up our S13 from an impromptu rehearsal he found out about this morning ( I found out about it last night). So his behavior is changing in the fact that he is giving me status of his life so to speak.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Okay, so I took a break yesterday from posting my life story...lol! Here goes my rounds from the last couple of days...
Tuesday after feeling a little low and really thinking about 25's post and all the things that were on point I prayed. I believe it has helped with my PMA to say the least as all of you know there is more going on with me than just this sitch.
So Tuesday night, H picks up my S13 from the impromptu rehearsal and brings him home. My s9 and I were making dinner (okay, really just me), when he got home. H brings him in, I say hello and S9 goes and talks to him for a few minutes. H was about to leave, and I invited him to stay for dinner, but he declined. It was a no biggie for me, so I had no feelings towards it. So I followed with an " okay" and said " we'll if you want to hang around some more and chat with the boys, that's fine, dinner won't be done for another 15-20 minutes. H did stay for that time and hung out with the boys until dinner was done cooking and left. Later that night, H texted me and said "thank you for inviting me to stay for dinner, I just wasn't hungry and have a good night". I responded and said no problem and for him to have a good night as well, and asked if he was hitting the sack early. He responded, no and asked if I was and that turned into a two hour texting session. NO OR talk, but just chatty life stuff.
Yesterday, nothing happened with H except he asked me when I would find out anything regarding my health, and I told him tomorrow.. He asked what time the appointment was and I told him the time and that I had taken a half day off from work. He said okay, let me know if you need anything, and I said thank you, but it was my first re-visit, so I didn't know how much I was going to find out. Also, my s9 started with the "I want Daddy to come home" talks again. I was really supportive and told him that I understood his feelings and that anytime he wanted to say them to me that I would listen even if it was ten times a day...he said good, because he was having a hard time telling Dad. I asked why, and he said because Dad is the one that left and he never gives him an answer. Poor kid. I told him that I didn't have an answer either, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't listen any time he wanted to talk about it, cry about it, or yell about it. I also told him that he was not wrong in feeling that way and that no matter what it was not his fault and I loved him and knew Dad did too. He smiled, gave me a big hug, and ended the conversation so we could play a card game. Whew!
Today, I had my appointment for my health issues and the preliminary results are that my new issues are not major, but I do have to get another test to confirm and then a possible procedure. Whew! Fingers crossed on the second test.
Also, something interesting did happen with H, he asked me to go to lunch (just him and I). I agreed to it, as I had the time and had to get something for lunch anyway. Now I was nervous as I thought, okay, he must want to drop the divorce bomb or something bad, but it actually went good. He talked a lot about work, the boys, life, and I listened. We even had a few good laughs. No OR talk, but that was good for me anyhow. I am not sure that I am ready for any of that yet. So I texted him a little after and said "thank you for lunch, hope to do it again" and a funny comment about something we were laughing about during the lunch. His response was "no problem, for sure, and that was hilarious". Wow, what a good positive!
So the past few days were good. I am getting better and having more good days than bad it seems. I think it is two for one right now, (2good/one bad) but that is okay, because I know it will get better. Here is to the rest of the night going good.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Hello everyone. Hope your weekends were good. I had another good weekend, which included H. So catch up on the last few days.
Friday was a busy day with work and the kids. No sight of H other than the more than usual texting...
Saturday the kids and I spent the whole day playing board games and hanging out...boy do I love my boys. Saturday night MIL came and picked up the boys for an overnight. They were so excited as they haven't seen her or done that since around the Christmas holiday. So Saturday night I had a free night, I hung out with friends for a birthday dinner. I had so much fun, what a long night!
Today was interesting. I slept in, haven't done that in so long it feels. So restoring. I then went to the mall when H texted me and asked when I was picking up our boys. I responded with "I don't know, what's up" and he invited me to go out to lunch. I was already at the mall, headed to get lunch anyway, so I told H sure. So we had lunch.
Here is when it gets interesting and I want everyone's advice/opinions/comments. Neither of us had anything to do for a few hours, so H and I went to "his apartment" and watched a movie. No talking about much, just hanging out. No OR talk. It seemed like he wanted affection, but I didn't initiate and figured if he did, then he would try. Overall it was good, and I enjoyed myself. I even "ended" the time by leaving before the movie was over to meet my little brother. I also texted him a little while later and thanked him for having me over and that we should do it again so we could finish the movie. His response was "sure thing, hope you had a good time". I didn't get the text because my phone was messed up, so a few hours later, I texted him that I did have a good time, hoped he did too, some stuff about the kids, and to have a goodnight. He responded that he had enjoyed himself too, and to have a good night as well.
Anyway, I feel really comfortable around H, even though we are in this sitch. These reaches from him for him and I to spend time together alone also seem to be increasing. Should I keep following his lead on this?
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Yesterday I had a few hours I was feeling down. As I said before, H has started telling me alot about the things he is doing, when and where he is going, and with whom. I want to beleive he is trying to build some trust in him. Am I wrong to think this, as I always go back to "believe none of what he says, blah, blah, blah..." Anyway, that is how I feel....
Well, yesterday he texted me and asked how my day was going. In my response I said I was good and asked how he was. He said he was feeling pretty ill and that he was leaving work early to go "home", meaning his apartment. I had a half day at work and asked him if he needed anything. - I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did. Anyway, he said no, he was good. Well that led my mind to wonder. Is he really going to be with someone, is he going to file for divorce, what's really going on, etc. Well while out running my errands, I was soooo tempted to drive past his place to see if he went there like he said.
Thankfully I stopped myself with the words someone here on this board gave me..."He is going to do it anyway, so what does it matter". I realized that it would only kill my PMA and GAL by fearing/confirming that he had "done something an H wasn't supposed to". So I prayed to myself that he indeed was telling me the truth, and that all the positivity that has been happening with H and I was not another lie.
Well, someone heard my prayers...because about a few hours later, H was texting me and my son every 10 minutes or so....with his texts to me saying "That it really meant a lot to me that you wanted to take care of me and that it means more than you know". He also asked if I would be able to bring him something to eat as he felt horrible. I did for two reasons. 1-I would do it for a freind, and 2-he had not seen our boys and thought it would be nice even only for a few minutes if they did (okay, and three, I still love him and would do anything for him).
After dropping off the food and staying for about 15 minutes, it turned out, he was truly sick (which made me feel better, knowing he was telling me the truth-at least that time).
Is there any point when you can start believing in what they are saying? I almost feel like he doesn't have to tell me anything and could go on with his deceitfulness. Anyone?
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Hi BRNR. Trust is a funny thing. Once broken, it's very hard to repair. It can be done, but it takes a very long time of being trustworthy. Even then, it remains in the back of the mind for a while.
You are doing well in your thoughts and how you handle things. I agree with your thoughts and feel you are doing all the right things in this situation. It's just that this doesn't stop overnight or as soon as we'd like. Your H has a long way to go and still needs to figure himself out. If he decides to come back to the marriage, it will be after he feels safe to do so and after he figures himself out. If he does. He seems to be trying to figure himself out.
Be patient and you'll see how this turns out.
How are things going on the medical front? How are the kids?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I stop to think about what I say and what my actions are going to do so much more now than I did before. It is hard, but I am finding it easier...
Well, the medical front is okay. I found out yesterday, that I am fully anemic. Ugh! When I was pregnant with my sons, I was always on the border, but now I am full blown, which means prescribed iron tablets for the next 90 days and then a revisit. I was seriously wanting to get my first tattoo within a month or so, but I beleive I need to postpone now that this has come up. But this does explain my exhaustion, I thought it was due to the sitch and general life wearing me down, but no, this has also contributed. So help with my exhastion should kick in, in a day or so. Yay!!!
I don't have my other test to confirm my other health concerns until next week, but my specialist is fairly confident that it is only minor and that I shouldn't need any surgeries. Yay again!!! (okay, at least for now).
The boys are good. Their activities are increasing since spring is right around the corner, and I am still trying to figure how I am going to get it all done, but they are excited. (Spring is soccer and rehearsals/concerts for violin). Not to mention all the field trips kids go on when it starts to warm up. My son has four within the next couple of months. One is to DC and is an overnight. (He is excited, I am , well, a scared mama). But all this has kept us all busy.
My youngest still talks about H coming home, my MIL even said he said it to her over the weekend....so he is still breaking my heart. He also told me he has been praying to God that Daddy will come home. I do hope all our prayers are answered.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
