okay- i just came back up from bottom- and i'm sorry to say in my opinion- you're not DONE here just yet (with db & with h) . that's the short version. i'm not sure if it's for nothing or someting- but since you (we) cannot know that for sure til "THE END" how it all plays out. you're just stuck still trying to complete this journey. (my unofficial opinion based on you and me etc.) you can read on or not-
You are sure in a tough sitch with him there all the time and you being the only place for him to to "come home to" to live. you have no opportunity to take a step back from it all -
i'm not sure - i would think if you are still feeling a giant emotion (even if it's hate) then, you've still got "something" invested in this. so i'd guess, yes, there is still something (however miniscule) "there", so it's not for nothin. If you felt total indifference- then i'd say you were truly done for good & ever. i think hate and love are very huge & close emotions- you have to have alot of feeling about someone/some thing to even register the big-ness of "hate".
i'd think if you're still that mad at not-h - you're still holding out hope for ole-h to "come back".
THERE'S THE REAL PROBLEM HERE- will they? will he? only god knows that one. you can only decide your own limit- i tend to think in very final terms- but realistically- it's not done til you're dead probably. i mean- any possibility of anything. anything is possible i think also tho - who can ever place limits or really KNOW ABOUT the future??/ or anyone else for that matter - or even ourselves. what we'll feel in a day or a year or whatever.
(oh yeah- mwd - in her book "change your life & everyone in it" says don't go with feelings - feelings are just that- feelings. they change- they're transitory - etc. i think it's true. you may feel compassion by tonite- you may feel hate again, who the heck can know?. ) DO NOT MERELY use feelings to make decisions. -
Also- i think, if we're still asking "is it for nothing" - then we're still invested enough to be wondering. Not sure enough to make the giant break.
sadly- i think when we wake up "sure as heck and no going back" then we're totally thru with them- because WE KNOW- BEYONd A SHADOW OF A DOUBT that WE are done.
this is just me here - and this is my opinion based on what i'm feeling myself. it's how i'm thinking these days. i try to figure out what i'm feeling and what it means- then i ditch it and try and just ignore it all. then i agree wholeheartedly with mwd that it's all "feelings" and they change with the wind for me .
one day i feel i can do it a bit long and there is possible hope- the next (usually) i feel like i'm kidding myself and cannot imagine what i could possibly think will happen to change this crap life i'm having. last nite- sick - ignored- layig on the stupid bed while h played with his stupid computer- i wondered why i am squandering my life away- what if it were my last day on earth? and i settled for being ignored by a jerk who perfers ow & computer??? BUT THEN - THIS MORning i feel better & more on an even keel and think my life and happine4ss probably have to come from somewhere else now- don't even know where or how- been "involved" and "in love" my entire life - just heading out blind.
i don't want to feel like this forever tho- that i DO KNOW.
I am not sure what it is for anymore.
conduct an experiment - see what you feel tomorrow morning - honestly. or tonite - try and force yourself to do something you like, that gives you purpose & life meaning , that has nothing to do at all with h - however small- and see what you think and feel. if it never varies again - you're in hate, not love. i don't know what we do about that tho- i have to think it over more. still think there's something bout hate that is an involvement rather than true indifference (that is OVER).
What are you taking for your back? do you have a dr. you can get to prescribe a muscle relaxant or something if it's truly tensing up so bad you're going to end up "laid up:" WHEN MY BACK is even feeling one bit bad- i take a couple asprin- lay down & put knees up- don't let it get worse.
back later hang in there- do something nice- i mean it- go out and look for daffodils coming up or someting - go get a great pastry and indulge-
HEY -I KNOW - HERE'S WHAT TO DO NOW- go get youtube on, put in pitbull & pick give me everything tonite- and puti t on loud - VERY LOUD - AND DANCE allover the room and wiggle alot- i mean 8it- it's such good exercise and the song is just a good one for letting loose- you will not be able to stand still. do it at least twice- you'll feel betrter. i'm tyrying to do every morning- go do it- i promise- you'll like it......
