BD, Subguy and GTO, thank you for your feedback and encouragement! :-)
I spoke to my mom again and advised for her to do what SHE feels she is comfortable with with regards to H. She said she would see at the time if and when he does actually call her (he has not).
I guess for H it must be awkward as well. For example I am still very close to his brother and sister and their families. His sister is my best friend. My family has not shut down communication with him, he chose to do that on his own. So it must be hard to try and come back from that.
I was thinking this evening how I am so happy with where I am right now (Thank God). How this journey has gotten me out of a dark place my old path was leading me. I really don't know how the old M could have survived if I had continued with my ways. I feel like I would have imploded. I know H forced the sitch in a way that I would never have asked for, but I am thankful for where I am right now and for the relationship I have with my kids and for the person I am becoming. I can't believe how much anger I have finally released.
This evening my D5 really pushed my buttons. I was so calm, spoke to her about it, asked if she understood and that was it. We moved on. And then I realized afterwards how calm I was. How I spoke to her not at her....the old me would have thrown a hissy fit. lol
Funny how life happens.
So on my quest to keep H in the know about the kids, I texted him this morning with something really funny/cute D5 did before school. Now, I usually text him if there is an 'issue'(illness, poor behavior, etc) and he usually responds.."I hope S/D are ok...maybe the consequences should be this or that...etc"
This morning though I thought, well, there is just so much 'new' stuff that happens with the kids (they are still so young and everything they do is almost a 'first' still on a certain level), and I wanted to share the highs with him too...not just the lows. So I texted him what D5 did (it was funny..I told some of my friends as well and they LOLd), and I got absolutely nothing in return. I didn't necessarily expect a response, but just thought wow...he is one tough cookie. I mean if he can't rejoice in the little pleasures that make up childhood and parenting, maybe I should only leave my interactions with him with about the kids' 'problems'.
He is their father and no one should welcome news more than him about the kids. He doesn't seem to welcome it though. However, its not my problem. Its his choice to decide what to do with his kids. I am simply the messenger so to speak at this time.
It would be nice to actually have a partner to share this all with and laugh together or find solutions to problems together....but hey...it doesn't take away from the warm glow I have as I engage in the privilege of being S and Ds mother.
Another thing I realized tonight..I have never felt confident in a relationship before. I feel confident being a mother though. Its good. :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I think it's great to share the highs of the kids with H! Before BD, I would text H pics of the kids and things they do all day. Slowly I have stopped doing that. My goal is to have a great R with him to co-parent. However, I needed to detach first. My H is a very good dad. He thanks me when I send things, videos and such. We tell each other funny things the kids do. But right now, I have realized that I need to lay off communication with him for me. Until I can truely detach, I have to. I'm even debating having him come to the big ultrasound next week. Just thinking about him being there makes me tear up. I just think of the happy place we were at with the last 2, and I just think I want my kids and my mom & sis there. Just happy. I have a week to think about it.
I love your attitude about your kids!!! I feel exactly the same way!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
This morning though I thought, well, there is just so much 'new' stuff that happens with the kids (they are still so young and everything they do is almost a 'first' still on a certain level), and I wanted to share the highs with him too...not just the lows. So I texted him what D5 did (it was funny..I told some of my friends as well and they LOLd), and I got absolutely nothing in return. I didn't necessarily expect a response, but just thought wow...he is one tough cookie. I mean if he can't rejoice in the little pleasures that make up childhood and parenting, maybe I should only leave my interactions with him with about the kids' 'problems'.
Mind reading here but if I walked away it would hurt knowing they are growing up and I chose to leave them. Could be seen as pressure, I wonder if you asked him if he likes getting them and wants to continue to receive them what he'd say?
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I did ask him a couple weeks ago and he said 'of course I want to hear about the kids' but I had a feeling he said that more so he wouldn't sound like a jerk for saying that he didn't (can't bear the guilt) of hearing about the kids.
The truth is it doesn't seem to matter to him. I thought I was encouraging him to stay involved in the kids' lives but it doesn't seem so. And I thought its my duty as a mom to tell my kids' father what's happening to them regardless because he is their father. I guess that could be pressure.
Maybe I am doing the kids a disservice ?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Tallula I did the same before BD. I started this recently as H is mostly out of the country and only communicates with them by phone.
I don't want it to come across as pressure though and push him away even more from the kids.
I need to think about this awhile. My coach said I should (continue) in order to keep interactions warm and friendly as well. I feel that with him away 90 percent off the time - me not keeping him in the loop is a path towards bitterness all around.
Ugh.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I was just like Tallula and you. H and i used to text and share cute pics and the things the kids did. I have also stopped doing that to help me detach and I can totally relate to your feelings. It is sad that we cannot share all the little and big milestones in their lives with a partner. Yet, we gain nothing dwelling on it and like you say, we are lucky to have the opportunity to witness all those beautiful, precious moments.
I was thinking about your H's lack of response. Does he typically respond to all your texts? For example - my H many, many times simply does not reply to either my texts or phone messages, regardless of what the topic is. I believe this has happened to others here (I recall commenting on this issue in one of LaBug's older threads some time ago.) We were all wondering why WAS would do that and came up empty. In other words, IDK if this is a "typical" WAS behavior or not, but my point is that perhaps your H's lack of response doesn't really have anything to do with his feelings or interest in the kids and more about a behavior / habit he has developed in regards to his communication with you and perhaps others as well.
I guess that is just a long-winded way of saying that we don't really know why he didn't respond and in the end, it doesn't matter why he didn't respond. Like you rightly said, it's his problem. You just keep focusing on the amazing woman you have become and your beautiful kids!
Your growth is amazing! (((((((busting)))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
And I thought its my duty as a mom to tell my kids' father what's happening to them regardless because he is their father. I guess that could be pressure.
Maybe I am doing the kids a disservice ?
HI BUSTING!! I've missed you!
Well with that said, I wanted to comment on this post of yours. My Al Anon sponsor brought something that really made me think. She asked me, Do you carry his guilt? ME: What does that mean? Sponsor: Do you facilitate things for him that would've been a consequence of his decision? ME: HMMMmmmmm?!!
I realized that I did! Lightbulb! I constantly (now I'm not saying we share the exact same story but bear with me) would send him pix and texts about the kids and what they were doing. I didn't want him to miss out on anything!
So guess what I did?? No really guess? LOL! I'm in a good mood tonite ;-)
I got rid of my smartphone. It forced me not to send him pix of the kids. Plus, it's a boring flip phone so it takes FOREVER to text. This way I was saving money, I was no longer glued to my cell (you know how we are now with these fun phones), and I wasn't constantly communicating with H throughout the day about what the kids were doing.
I also stopped answering all his calls. Not just with him, with everyone. If I'm feeding the kids, NO CALLS. I'm bathing them, NO CALLS. Get the pix. Anything that will disrupt my serenity and our routine.
Of course it changed my relationship with friends and family but HEY! we were ok without cellphones 10yrs ago. Only doctors had them and only they answered right away. But us, us regular people answer that cell like if we are attached to it!
And my relationship with H, well I'm sure it changed and it affected him but I didn't do it for that reason. I did it for me!! I love him and I love(d) my marriage but I needed to respect my boundaries. My time is valuable. My serenity is even more valuable!
Take my experience with a grain of salt.
Thinking of you my DB friend!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
I was thinking about your H's lack of response. Does he typically respond to all your texts? For example - my H many, many times simply does not reply to either my texts or phone messages, regardless of what the topic is. I believe this has happened to others here (I recall commenting on this issue in one of LaBug's older threads some time ago.) We were all wondering why WAS would do that and came up empty. In other words, IDK if this is a "typical" WAS behavior or not, but my point is that perhaps your H's lack of response doesn't really have anything to do with his feelings or interest in the kids and more about a behavior / habit he has developed in regards to his communication with you and perhaps others as well.
you know i think the WAS makes such an effort to detach from us that they do stop texting, responding etc...so that they don't give us that 'false hope'
He had stopped responding to my texts, you are correct. Of course when HE needs something he will freely text me and expect a reply.
Thats not the point. The point I am trying to make is that I agree. His lack of response is probably more with his learned behavior since BD rather than his interest in the kids. Now that I think about it, there have been several times in the past maybe 6 months where a text exchange is really just so rude. I am outside his parameters for normal social etiquette. He is not insulting, but not polite..he is nicer to the stranger that accidentally dials the wrong number...wow... I feel so special...lol
So KG you are right, it does not matter why he does or does not respond.
And I am very aware that this is week 4 of him being away and that despite his promises of Skype conversations with the kids this never happened, and despite his pledge to call daily at 530 pm, while it is regular...is not daily. Its still better than it was the last time he travelled, and the time before that and so on.
So i think I will continue with the texts about the kids while he is away. When he is in town I don't do it anyway. The texts we exchange while he is in town are more 'who is picking up which child and when' kind of texts.
I didn't realize that it was common for WAS to stop responding to texts. I guess its another one of their ways to block us out.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I did ask him a couple weeks ago and he said 'of course I want to hear about the kids' but I had a feeling he said that more so he wouldn't sound like a jerk for saying that he didn't (can't bear the guilt) of hearing about the kids.
That's a tough place to be Busting. He was the one that left. Is it his responsibility to find out what the kids are doing? Is it your responsibility to tell him?? It's got to be tough watching your children not have a relationship with their father. So... what to do?? Do you try to fix it?? Do you just love your kids and provide them the best most stable life you can?? He has a responsibility to be a great Dad, not a frigging jerk. (just my opinion mind you)
What if you took videos and pics of the kids for you and when he is ready he can see what you have done, maybe even make him some copies and when he wants he can have the copy.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I was going to respond with something very much like this:
Quote:
In other words, IDK if this is a "typical" WAS behavior or not, but my point is that perhaps your H's lack of response doesn't really have anything to do with his feelings or interest in the kids and more about a behavior / habit he has developed in regards to his communication with you and perhaps others as well.
I guess that is just a long-winded way of saying that we don't really know why he didn't respond and in the end, it doesn't matter why he didn't respond.
We tend to attach meaning to behavior we don't understand but that meaning comes from us and our experience, our needs. As k_g said, we don't really know why he doesn't respond.
If you just want him informed or what's going on with the kids, it shouldn't matter. You sent the text and if he looked at it he knows.
Our expectations and our needs not being met is what we are left to deal with and it hurts to realize we aren't in a R where the father of our children wants to respond and share in those moments with us.
Be clear with yourself about your goal in sending the texts.
This is all difficult stuff and working through it as you are doing is the only way to move forward.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
