Now the most recent development......guess who is back in the other room tonight to sleep? Yep the W. after being back in our bed for the past several nights. We have sex last night and now she is back in other room. Go figure.
So she just now comes in our room softly crying and says " I am sorry that I am hurting you".
I can't remember if I've posted this in your thread already, but this is something Accuray posted a while back and it's something we should all read regularly:
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Another thing to expect is that your wife will run "hot and cold" -- she'll be nice to you one minute and the next will shut down hard. This is extremely confusing. Here's what's going on -- your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role. At some point she'll catch herself, will worry that you'll get the impression that everything is now "okay" when for her it is not, and will then make sure to demonstrate to you that everything is NOT okay by shutting you out and pushing you away. That's all an inner dialog so to you it just looks completely confusing. If you expect it, you'll enjoy when she warms up and won't worry too much when she goes cold.
It's tempting to get into a mode of catastrophic thinking -- that each time your wife goes cold you worry it will stay like that forever, or "oh boy, this is it, she's gone!" That leads you to panic and overreact. This is a roller coaster, and there will be very dramatic highs and lows. The best thing you can do is try to stay near an emotional baseline. If the WAS bounces between 10 feet up and 10 feet down, the LBS tends to go 25 feet up and 25 feet down in response. Your goal is to go 5 feet up and 5 feet down instead. Take the long term view. Easy to say, hard to do, but if you know what to expect things get easier.
If you understand that the way your W is behaving is actually pretty normal for a WAS, then it gets easier for you to live with the highs and lows. And also if you know the lows are coming and you EXPECT them, then they don't affect you as severely.
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I told her that I know that she is hurting too and I am sorry that she is hurting. I told her I just want her to be happy. That I don't want M to end but if that is what is going to make her happy then maybe that is where we are heading.
The hot and cold is tough to take. Even if you are looking for it, it is still tough. It actually kills me that she is so down (I can't say depressed because that has gotten me into trouble before). She had an appointment this morning close to my work and she stopped in to say hey. Definitely not as cold as yesterday.
I am my own worst enemy. The entire time we were talking this morning all I could think was how beautiful and sexy she is and all I want to do is hug her. This does not help my PMA.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
The hot and cold is tough to take. Even if you are looking for it, it is still tough. It actually kills me that she is so down (I can't say depressed because that has gotten me into trouble before). She had an appointment this morning close to my work and she stopped in to say hey. Definitely not as cold as yesterday.
I am my own worst enemy. The entire time we were talking this morning all I could think was how beautiful and sexy she is and all I want to do is hug her. This does not help my PMA.
It's just hard. Plain and simple. Just when I think I'm detaching, I'm not. I just keep trudging along. One foot infront of the other.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Amen Tallula! I feel the exact same way. Just when I feel like I'm moving on a lot better something drags me right back in. I think I get frustrated at the ups and downs just like anyone else. Hang in there Grizz! PMA!!
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Well, she is back in our bed tonight. I do understand the S running hot/cold. I do understand that W is confused. I do understand that I don't understand much. But, does her flip flopping seem like it is happening way too much? She is either a tactical genius or so confused that she has no idea what to do. Have I ever said that I am confused?
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Hi Grizz, I've been following your story for awhile. Treading water is where I feel I am right now, so maybe I know some of what you're going through. I have taken some inspiration from reading DB skills in action. Some newbie thoughts:
"Today is W interview for her new job. Fingers crossed. Crossed that she gets it and crossed that she doesn't leave me once she does get it."
new job = happier W. If you're supportive of it, perhaps she'll share the happiness with you.
"My answer was " honey, I will do what needs to be done". "
Yes!! This seems to me a case where you should be acting "as if". Loved your response.
"The coldness hurts. I was holding my girls this morning and W kissed them both said I love you to each one and looked at me and said bye. This isn't really anything different, it just hurts."
Ugh. Know this feeling. When it happens to me I try to imagine the pain my W must have in order to just turn away. Not coldness, I suspect, as much as confusion, or numbness on her part (she's not trying to hurt you).
"Well it looks like things are progressing. She received a credit card in the mail today. She didnt have one before (her choice). Guessing this is the next step to leaving."
Presumably you'd be happy with her being more independent, but this triggers a fear she is leaving? It seems like this is an area where you can be relieved she may not feel you can control (or are looking to control) now that she has her own credit card.
"........we ML."
so jealous. That is all.
"Ever since I have been home it has been the cold shoulder. "
Are you sure this is real and not your insecurity? In any case, reasonable GAL activities might really be good, perhaps especially if they trigger some tension.
"I told her that I know that she is hurting too and I am sorry that she is hurting. I told her I just want her to be happy."
Wow. DB level expert.
" all I could think was how beautiful and sexy she is"
Can you say this to her lightly enough to make it work? Not sure if it fits with where you are in your R now.
"Have I ever said that I am confused?"
AS's quote on hot/cold hit it. I guess it doesn't make it any less confusing.
Keep checking in. I'm rooting for you.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
Well, she is back in our bed tonight. I do understand the S running hot/cold. I do understand that W is confused. I do understand that I don't understand much. But, does her flip flopping seem like it is happening way too much? She is either a tactical genius or so confused that she has no idea what to do. Have I ever said that I am confused?
In terms of frequency of flip flopping I don't know. If your W is like mine believe she is confused, hurting, trying to figure things out. Not tactically playing games with me.
But, does her flip flopping seem like it is happening way too much? She is either a tactical genius or so confused that she has no idea what to do. Have I ever said that I am confused?
Hi Grizz, I just read your thread. Your wife knows she is not happy in the marriage right now, but is trying not to hurt you. The best thing you can do is show her that you are OK! You don’t want her to stay out of guilt… that will never work for long.
The fact of the matter is any of our W’s can leave us at any time. We have to accept this. It doesn’t mean they will. There is always a bit of ambiguity in their mind. Years of marriage, plus kids, is a lot to just give up on.
You DON’T want to press her for an answer on the M, or take her temperature. Remove all pressure for an immediate decision. There is no reason to rush. The longer she stays in the house and you guys get along together, the better shot your marriage has. You know where she stands right now, and that this will take time to turn around. Be patient and give her space. Quietly be the H she wants.
You can do this!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
