Divorced-not done-But wondering ?

[JJAC2005]

Even your struggles become a blessing…..keep one foot in front of the other!


Well to be honest, I’ve been thinking about this post now for several days….I’m not sure just exactly how to say this, but my question seems to have missed its mark. I see that it was not quite the right context, to elicit the types of reply/response I was hoping for.
To answer the first comment, and thank you N.G…[as far as my W, though we have minimal contact... she knows the heart and soul of me from our M and if she gets past the anger and fear...she may remember that and miss it.. or she may not, she may have found the R of her dreams, and if so, while it hurts, i do want her to be happy.] I’m not at all worried that my “ex” will never look back on any of our times together without a smile, or a laugh or a warm thought. Quite the opposite, I know she will, and she probably has already, but she is using her anger to get her to where she thinks she needs to be. Be that what it may, (just as you mentioned above) she also knows my heart, and my head, and in many ways, all of my hopes and dreams. But I know that her main focus is and has been on the failures shortcomings, wrongs, and all of my “collective” mistakes that have caused her so much pain and doubt. Which is why she (IMO) she is trying so hard to get over me and strive for a new and fresh direction. And just as you, I will second that I want her to be happy, healthy and wish only the best for her and the kids, even if that choice isn’t me.
To follow on the 2nd comment, and thank you 4311, [Like many people I would assume you somewhat lost yourself in the relationship, especially during the end going through the separation and divorce. I know you have a goal of where you want to go but do you really know where you are now? Many people learn a lot about themselves during a divorce. Many people fall "asleep" during a relationship. Other than getting back with your ex what else do you want? Is there anything else?] Lost, OMG was I lost! I have to admit I slipped, fell, and struggled to get back, up, slipped and fell again repetedly since the get go. I allowed things, all sorts of things, to change my direction, my goals, my outlooks, and as soon as I started to fight for me (mostly in the wrong ways), I found a solid wall of discourse in my partner. Her fears of me and my independence, brought up fears of abandonment in her mind, and of course, the more I sought to find answers (in all of my unusual ways) in how to regain my life, how to be better for my wife, my kids, and my marriage, the more I sent messages to my wife that I wasn’t in to her and our marriage. On the flip side of that slide, and struggle to find a better balance with me again, I found a love that I can never replace, never duplicate, and a richness of a family that grew with every passing year. Something so unexplainably amazing, that I wanted to watch grow in the ears to come, it was something that I never wanted to end.
[I know that it is very difficult to think of anything but getting back together. Does it happen, yes, it happens. Does it happen with the state you are in now, rarely. Look at it like this - reconciliation’s do happen but healthy ones usually happen when both people have disconnected from the unhealthy previous relationship, have grown, and have been disconnected enough to honestly feel how it is to be alone and without their former partner.] I couldn’t agree more with this point about being a healthy me for any possibilities of a chance to get that second chance. And I’m happy to say, I’m well on my way! I have so many things going well in my life currently. My GAL plan is unfolding in so many positive ways that I am amazed at how great things are going. But it doesn’t change the fact that I miss my wife and family each and every day.
That being said…..it sort of brings me back to the beginning of my quest….with all her anger and pain in or with our past relationship….with her disconnecting as she has and dissolving any and all contact with her and the children….there really isn’t anything left for me to do, but continuing to work on me, my life, and furthering the enrichment of my soul and relationship skills.
I hear it all the time, and see it here off and on, as long as you have hope you always have a chance….but its hard to form a plan without a sign from the intended that something is either working or it isn’t.
I am learning and practicing patience….I am learning and practicing so many new skills…..I am learning to be more introspection, living a authentic life, and really can say I have learned from all of the mistakes I have made…..I am becoming the man I wanted to be from the very beginning, and I can only hope that someday she turns around to take notice and gives me that one chance to start to show her how much I have changed and all that I have learned.
I wanted to know from others what their ideas were/are on a situation such as mine, and how to proceed with positive results.?