Outside of being a parent, I believe that the drive to experiment with drugs, break rules, and take chances is just another side of the coin to the drive to build companies, solve problems others don't see solutions for, save lives. The willingness to consider risks and the likelihood and severity of consequences is a valuable character trait. I was that kind of a kid and though I skipped school, did a small amount of various kinds of drugs, forged passes, and lied, I also found my heart's desire in my field of study, travelled the world, slept on trains and in train stations, hitch hiked in Wales, sweated through some foreign customs searches, created a career that fit my values and dreams, and am able to lead kids in exploring the world in safe and legal ways that are exciting. I ask myself "what's the worst that could happen" on an almost daily basis.
My H on the other hand, never broke or bent rules, never questioned authority, never did anything just for fun only to get into the best possible college and make the most possible money, and when things didn't work out exactly that way he became bitter and angry. He is as panicky about stopping at window #2 instead of window #1 at the drive-thru as he is about finding the tank half full of gas in a snowstorm (and I actually did once let my tank run down and the car did break down and I survived and got it fixed no biggie) as he is about getting thrown in a secret prison. Everything that can go wrong is the worst that can go wrong.
My friend who's a psychologist says she worries as much, if not more so, about the kids who never break the rules as the ones who get into trouble in their teens.
Knowing that my son's brain is developing and that he shows potential for free thinking, adventurousness, and courage, I'm not worried about him in general. (Oh I snuck out too overnight, but didn't get caught. I was a very defiant kid.)
But as a parent I have to give him the consequences and help him develop the skills to judge them. I also worry about the demotivating aspect of pot smoking. I told him the other day, have you seen how much trouble S12 has in school because of his attention difficulties, and haven't you also been frustrated with why it seems so hard for him when it's so easy for you? What you're doing is actually taking something that will make it harder for you like that. He has no choice, you do, and you're choosing to do that, why?
As a parent, I have to step in and take serious action so he knows where the limits are. As a rebellious kid, if my limits are way out there, he'll have to go way WAY out there to exceed my limits and feel that excitement and independence. I also don't know for sure that he won't get sucked into doing harder stuff and getting lost in it, just because I didn't.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
