Living, Getting the Paperwork Started (20 months)

[adinva]

I don't know that I'll obsess and be tortured by one credit card charge at a local lingerie shop. I don't know what worse possible interpretations are than that he walked in a lingerie shop, and came out with $250 worth of merchandise. I do not actually believe this was not with a physical OW or OM in mind. When you hear hoofbeats, don't look around for zebras.

I do feel pain from this.

I feel sorry for myself, that my friends' husbands and boyfriends would buy my friends sexy things and mine would buy me socks, and now will buy those things for someone else.

I feel angry, that my husband is spending that kind of money and then emailing me that I have to cut back on the eyeglasses, medications, and orthodontics for the kids because the costs are out of control and he can't afford it.

I feel rejected, because while I've lived in a sexless marriage with him for many months and then a sexless separation for a couple more years he has shown signs and now this much more obvious evidence that he's going around outside the marriage.

I feel despair, because I feel farther than ever from any hope of having a marriage with the father of my kids.

I feel shock and disgust, thinking of him picking up, getting close to, having sex with someone else. His friend he lives with has casual sex with young college age girls, wives of colleagues, girlfriends of friends, he used to text H all the time with the trials and tribulations of his sex life.

I feel cheated on. I've been shutting those thoughts in a compartment of my brain ever since the early 2000's when he was obsessing over a woman he met out at his friend's regular band gig, bringing her over to play cards, touching her hair and her stomach.... He said that was nothing and I was overreacting. The other things I mentioned above. The lost little kittens he's always rescuing who need a computer installed or a bike repaired. I'm angry, hurt, and rejected, because this credit card charge brings those past experiences back to the foreground and makes it harder to deny them.

I feel the reality of my sitch more than usual, and it does hurt.

I don't see the point of asking. What innocuous answer do you get about something like that? That wouldn't be a lie, I mean. From the context, of COURSE he's getting it on with someone. He's not the kind of guy to spend $250 on something he could be getting for free, in the self-entertainment department.

It's not a wild imagining that someone who's been separated since June 2011, and in his mind since way before that, is out there dating and having sex. I'm married until I'm divorced, but not everyone sees things that way.

The fact that it's to be expected doesn't make it not hurt, and honestly I don't believe I have a right to question his expenses any more than I thought he had a right to question my speeding ticket. He doesn't live here, he doesn't want to be married, and oh by the way he bought some playthings for someone. What's to ask about?