Signs my H was cheating and I didn't see the point in it because bottom line was he was divorcing ME, whether he was leaving me for someone or not seemed beside the point.
1. He refused to FB me 2. He refused to tell me where he works or who with or where he goes when he travels or who with. Top secret. 3. He began taking more care with his personal grooming (the kind people who don't see you naked don't see) when he was leaving for or just returned from a business trip or trip with friends.
In almost 25 years I've known him he has not once ever spent money on porno or personal entertainment. He has viewed it for free on his computer. He has not once ever spent money on a sex toy or lingerie. We went in a shop like that once to entertain the friends we were with in DC. He doesn't spend money like that. I can't imagine what you can spend $250 on in a store like that but I feel like a movie is not likely.
I think the fact that I wasn't going to reimburse him if he wasn't going to show me the charges he was asking to be reimbursed was incentive enough, and since we're done I'm sure he didn't see one charge as a big risk of anything. It was 40 pages of single spaced charges covering a whole year, so maybe he thought I wouldn't notice it.
It doesn't change much in a material way for me, but it hurt.
I don't like to think that the father of my kids has left us to live with his high school buddy, spending the equivalent of S15's lacrosse league that I have to scrounge to afford in a sleazy sex shop, ogling college age waitresses with S12, doing who-knows-what with who-knows-who. I feel like throwing up on him. I guess that's judgmental.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Why would I ask him about it? Why would he have any reason to give me a truthful answer? What would I hope to gain from putting him on the spot or hearing him BS me or even hearing him tell me some surprising truth?
He's had loads of opportunities and time to tell what's really going on with him, and he is silent as a stone. He answers direct questions with grunts and I-don't-knows. He's given me no reason, nothing to understand, no closure, just that he doesn't want to be with me. So I've been approaching this all along as though "he doesn't want to be with me" is the only relevant reason. That hasn't changed.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I was dreading it as much as S15 because we both know he'll flip out and we both think he'll be angry at us specifically. I really resent the tone my H takes and the way he seems to imply that S15's challenges are my fault. Everything has to be right or wrong and someone needs to be at fault. It makes me want to change the locks and stop telling him anything. But that's my issue to learn to deal with. He's not making me feel anything, I feel it because of how I interpret H and the meaning I give to my interpretation.
So anyway, modelling how I want to be treated, I texted H that when he had a few minutes we should talk more about S15. He said it could be either Sunday or Monday after work. On Sunday he said Monday would be better. I told him I'd be at S15's game until about 8 but we could talk before or after it. He said after.
So today we met at S15's game, he arrived unexpectedly about 1/2 way through and sat next to me. I kept my conversation light and pleasant, was happy to see him and excited about how well S was playing. In between things like the weather and S and the coming season and stuff, I had little to say that was good so I was quiet. I chose not to bring up the thoughts that came to mind, that I need to ask him for money for summer camp, that I just found a sex shop charge on our credit card, that S15 snuck out, etc. This was not the time or place.
H was fairly pleasant too and said hello to some of the other parents. He peppered his conversation with the usual, did you fill the gas tank? You better, with the snow coming if you don't there will be long lines. (ok, don't worry, it's full) You didn't dress warmly enough I bet you're cold (it's ok, I'm wrapped in the sleeping bag I brought and I'm fine). S15 is so dumb I bet he didn't wear pants did he (yes he has pants on, they are his team shorts, he he) why didn't he put on long pants he's crazy and probably freezing the other team all has long pants on. I just tried to keep it pleasant on my side and not get or act annoyed by the nitpicking.
When the game wound down I asked if he still wanted to talk at 8 as planned or how about just grab something to eat and talk now? He said nah let's talk another day. So, OK, I haven't told him yet then.
When we do talk, I have the following: S15 snuck out, here's how I'm handling it and here's what I told him will happen the next time if there is a next time. S15 and I had a conversation about the drugs and here's the consequences we discussed and also I'm taking him for an evaluation Friday. I wrote down some of the rules and consequences in a draft contract that I want to work on with S15 and bring H into the conversation if he's interested. I also need to let him know we're not all decided on going away with him for part of spring break so it would be premature if he's booking anything yet.
Stuff like this I just don't communicate well in text messages and emails with H. He's very abrupt, and assumes you understood what he meant and assumes he knows what you were going to say so you don't need to say it. I am much more effective in a planned conversation with adequate time, removed from distractions and outside of the event that caused an angry response. I'm hoping this will be a way we can plan to communicate, but I'll be prepared to adjust if H is just not comfortable talking together.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I guess it explains some of his behaviour. And as we know it should not change anything we do anyway. And we are told that nothing can really change except ourselves when an OP is involved in the picture.
Ad- I know you are a very strong woman.. But don't let yourself not feel this if this is how you feel. Or maybe you already dealt with it. I just know how much this suxx. It's probably the worst feeling in the world a woman can feel from a man. So.. Just know I am here for you.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thanks for the kind words Acc, but I don't think I have anything well under control. I'm just doing the best I can from moment to moment with what I've got.
Just so I know EXACTLY what we're discussing, was it pot and paraphenalia, or other drugs, or both?
And for those who think it does not matter, it DOES matter. Legally for sure, and maybe other reasons too but for now, I just need that one question answered.
Adinva, I've read this and can't say much more til I know the answer.
I DID have the pot issue with our son. H and i were different in our approaches (H never tried it) but we were not nearly as far apart as you and your h.
(OMG!)
I am sending you strength and hugs and will say more when I know more.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Bongs made of plastic bottles and pvc pipe (definitely used), baggie of pot, beer, liquor, tobacco, no evidence of any other drugs so far.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Why ask about the sex shop charge? Because in my experience details like that without context cause us to obsess and to have our imaginations fill in the worst possible interpretations, and then to be tortured by what we imagine.
If its a misunderstanding or something innocuous you can spare yourself the time thinking about it, even though it doesn't change anything either way. I don't see how asking makes anything worse.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I don't know that I'll obsess and be tortured by one credit card charge at a local lingerie shop. I don't know what worse possible interpretations are than that he walked in a lingerie shop, and came out with $250 worth of merchandise. I do not actually believe this was not with a physical OW or OM in mind. When you hear hoofbeats, don't look around for zebras.
I do feel pain from this.
I feel sorry for myself, that my friends' husbands and boyfriends would buy my friends sexy things and mine would buy me socks, and now will buy those things for someone else.
I feel angry, that my husband is spending that kind of money and then emailing me that I have to cut back on the eyeglasses, medications, and orthodontics for the kids because the costs are out of control and he can't afford it.
I feel rejected, because while I've lived in a sexless marriage with him for many months and then a sexless separation for a couple more years he has shown signs and now this much more obvious evidence that he's going around outside the marriage.
I feel despair, because I feel farther than ever from any hope of having a marriage with the father of my kids.
I feel shock and disgust, thinking of him picking up, getting close to, having sex with someone else. His friend he lives with has casual sex with young college age girls, wives of colleagues, girlfriends of friends, he used to text H all the time with the trials and tribulations of his sex life.
I feel cheated on. I've been shutting those thoughts in a compartment of my brain ever since the early 2000's when he was obsessing over a woman he met out at his friend's regular band gig, bringing her over to play cards, touching her hair and her stomach.... He said that was nothing and I was overreacting. The other things I mentioned above. The lost little kittens he's always rescuing who need a computer installed or a bike repaired. I'm angry, hurt, and rejected, because this credit card charge brings those past experiences back to the foreground and makes it harder to deny them.
I feel the reality of my sitch more than usual, and it does hurt.
I don't see the point of asking. What innocuous answer do you get about something like that? That wouldn't be a lie, I mean. From the context, of COURSE he's getting it on with someone. He's not the kind of guy to spend $250 on something he could be getting for free, in the self-entertainment department.
It's not a wild imagining that someone who's been separated since June 2011, and in his mind since way before that, is out there dating and having sex. I'm married until I'm divorced, but not everyone sees things that way.
The fact that it's to be expected doesn't make it not hurt, and honestly I don't believe I have a right to question his expenses any more than I thought he had a right to question my speeding ticket. He doesn't live here, he doesn't want to be married, and oh by the way he bought some playthings for someone. What's to ask about?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Outside of being a parent, I believe that the drive to experiment with drugs, break rules, and take chances is just another side of the coin to the drive to build companies, solve problems others don't see solutions for, save lives. The willingness to consider risks and the likelihood and severity of consequences is a valuable character trait. I was that kind of a kid and though I skipped school, did a small amount of various kinds of drugs, forged passes, and lied, I also found my heart's desire in my field of study, travelled the world, slept on trains and in train stations, hitch hiked in Wales, sweated through some foreign customs searches, created a career that fit my values and dreams, and am able to lead kids in exploring the world in safe and legal ways that are exciting. I ask myself "what's the worst that could happen" on an almost daily basis.
My H on the other hand, never broke or bent rules, never questioned authority, never did anything just for fun only to get into the best possible college and make the most possible money, and when things didn't work out exactly that way he became bitter and angry. He is as panicky about stopping at window #2 instead of window #1 at the drive-thru as he is about finding the tank half full of gas in a snowstorm (and I actually did once let my tank run down and the car did break down and I survived and got it fixed no biggie) as he is about getting thrown in a secret prison. Everything that can go wrong is the worst that can go wrong.
My friend who's a psychologist says she worries as much, if not more so, about the kids who never break the rules as the ones who get into trouble in their teens.
Knowing that my son's brain is developing and that he shows potential for free thinking, adventurousness, and courage, I'm not worried about him in general. (Oh I snuck out too overnight, but didn't get caught. I was a very defiant kid.)
But as a parent I have to give him the consequences and help him develop the skills to judge them. I also worry about the demotivating aspect of pot smoking. I told him the other day, have you seen how much trouble S12 has in school because of his attention difficulties, and haven't you also been frustrated with why it seems so hard for him when it's so easy for you? What you're doing is actually taking something that will make it harder for you like that. He has no choice, you do, and you're choosing to do that, why?
As a parent, I have to step in and take serious action so he knows where the limits are. As a rebellious kid, if my limits are way out there, he'll have to go way WAY out there to exceed my limits and feel that excitement and independence. I also don't know for sure that he won't get sucked into doing harder stuff and getting lost in it, just because I didn't.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Because in my experience details like that without context cause us to obsess and to have our imaginations fill in the worst possible interpretations, and then to be tortured by what we imagine.
I'm going to agree with Acc on this one...your imagination seems to already be running wild. I used to do that to myself all the time and then I'd find out it was something that I hadn't even considered.
