i am in your same boat - floating down stream. funny you say "depleted" - as usual, you've founmd the perfect word for me.
i got nothin either. h's dad moi sick- all of a sudden it seems it has become v bad indeed. i am glad to be healthy and young and sane and alive. i wouldn't want to be staring down the barrel of my own mortality- it's tough. h ope i'm serene or at least "butch" when it's my turn. '
keep a good thought here- we maybe running on empty- but as you say WE'RE BETTER THAN LAST YEAR THIS TIME- and that is huge.
i'mgoing with it- will go visi8t baby now- and give him a thrill doing something dopey (no cartwheels).
ya know dawn- i'm thinking here. have pretty much deleted whatever i've written in last couple days-
I think i want to9 say it and get it out of my brain onto "paper" - but then even i have to admit- just more of the same.
at a funny place- hanging in here in this life- presumably til i have a job and means of support. there's still that stinking emotional attachment somewhere down deep - waaay deep. can't define it - not sure if i can still call it "love" - just soooooo many years i guess - they were such a big big part of our lives - can't blink an eye and make it all gone & meaningless. can't keep it- can't throw it away - sos huh? just look in my giant closet ....
pretty calm- feel angst about his test results - feel badly for his dad - dread going back to nj and my mother being all expectant and petulent and thinking i'm her "personal secretary".
this a.m. gotta lotta ennui . talk about "floating" -
i am very darn tired of being "marginal" in his life and the bad way it makes me feel - the non-communication & what? indifference. if it even is- objectivity lost totally - honestly.
oh well- just erased all rest- guess it is just my life at this moment & these times; to hunker down - remain silent- remain neutral- wonder what it does to me . one day i acknowledge the huge effort & "work" put into this db endeavor. (or even the progress) but then what does it all mean? - the next i think i'm a fool to waste my time & life. (tho, as usual- nothing better going on in the MOST CRUCIAL area - mate wise). that's my whole problem isn't it? i'm one of the animals that mates for life - hooked up with one that isn't.???
oh well- i'm outta here- before i rant or whatever- lots to list on ebay- suddenly interested in "working" a bit more here- going with it- always can use some more $$ - pay those darn health insurance premiums rite???
hope your day is good- nothing new here as usual- your life sounds calm at the moment as well- yay for that huh?
Today my H asked me to pray for his death because he's not coming back and he hates life! Don't test me buddy, your not in my good graces! I'm starting to hate him!
I'm getting angry and my anger goes to my back debilitating me! I almost left today for a hotel, I'm feeling if I don't go, I maybe will end up in the hospital with my back like it is. As soon as he left tonight the pain subsided.
I can feel hate for him flushing through me like a fire! I don't even care what happens to him! I have been trying to get away during the day, not involve myself with him but staying away 24/7 doesn't help when all he needs is 20 seconds to act like a complete waste life.
How can I hate someone I'm still trying to work with until the is an outcome? What am I holding out for? Nero, is this really for nothing?
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
okay- i just came back up from bottom- and i'm sorry to say in my opinion- you're not DONE here just yet (with db & with h) . that's the short version. i'm not sure if it's for nothing or someting- but since you (we) cannot know that for sure til "THE END" how it all plays out. you're just stuck still trying to complete this journey. (my unofficial opinion based on you and me etc.) you can read on or not-
You are sure in a tough sitch with him there all the time and you being the only place for him to to "come home to" to live. you have no opportunity to take a step back from it all -
i'm not sure - i would think if you are still feeling a giant emotion (even if it's hate) then, you've still got "something" invested in this. so i'd guess, yes, there is still something (however miniscule) "there", so it's not for nothin. If you felt total indifference- then i'd say you were truly done for good & ever. i think hate and love are very huge & close emotions- you have to have alot of feeling about someone/some thing to even register the big-ness of "hate".
i'd think if you're still that mad at not-h - you're still holding out hope for ole-h to "come back".
THERE'S THE REAL PROBLEM HERE- will they? will he? only god knows that one. you can only decide your own limit- i tend to think in very final terms- but realistically- it's not done til you're dead probably. i mean- any possibility of anything. anything is possible i think also tho - who can ever place limits or really KNOW ABOUT the future??/ or anyone else for that matter - or even ourselves. what we'll feel in a day or a year or whatever.
(oh yeah- mwd - in her book "change your life & everyone in it" says don't go with feelings - feelings are just that- feelings. they change- they're transitory - etc. i think it's true. you may feel compassion by tonite- you may feel hate again, who the heck can know?. ) DO NOT MERELY use feelings to make decisions. -
Also- i think, if we're still asking "is it for nothing" - then we're still invested enough to be wondering. Not sure enough to make the giant break.
sadly- i think when we wake up "sure as heck and no going back" then we're totally thru with them- because WE KNOW- BEYONd A SHADOW OF A DOUBT that WE are done.
this is just me here - and this is my opinion based on what i'm feeling myself. it's how i'm thinking these days. i try to figure out what i'm feeling and what it means- then i ditch it and try and just ignore it all. then i agree wholeheartedly with mwd that it's all "feelings" and they change with the wind for me .
one day i feel i can do it a bit long and there is possible hope- the next (usually) i feel like i'm kidding myself and cannot imagine what i could possibly think will happen to change this crap life i'm having. last nite- sick - ignored- layig on the stupid bed while h played with his stupid computer- i wondered why i am squandering my life away- what if it were my last day on earth? and i settled for being ignored by a jerk who perfers ow & computer??? BUT THEN - THIS MORning i feel better & more on an even keel and think my life and happine4ss probably have to come from somewhere else now- don't even know where or how- been "involved" and "in love" my entire life - just heading out blind.
i don't want to feel like this forever tho- that i DO KNOW.
I am not sure what it is for anymore.
conduct an experiment - see what you feel tomorrow morning - honestly. or tonite - try and force yourself to do something you like, that gives you purpose & life meaning , that has nothing to do at all with h - however small- and see what you think and feel. if it never varies again - you're in hate, not love. i don't know what we do about that tho- i have to think it over more. still think there's something bout hate that is an involvement rather than true indifference (that is OVER).
What are you taking for your back? do you have a dr. you can get to prescribe a muscle relaxant or something if it's truly tensing up so bad you're going to end up "laid up:" WHEN MY BACK is even feeling one bit bad- i take a couple asprin- lay down & put knees up- don't let it get worse.
back later hang in there- do something nice- i mean it- go out and look for daffodils coming up or someting - go get a great pastry and indulge-
HEY -I KNOW - HERE'S WHAT TO DO NOW- go get youtube on, put in pitbull & pick give me everything tonite- and puti t on loud - VERY LOUD - AND DANCE allover the room and wiggle alot- i mean 8it- it's such good exercise and the song is just a good one for letting loose- you will not be able to stand still. do it at least twice- you'll feel betrter. i'm tyrying to do every morning- go do it- i promise- you'll like it......
Pitbull, Nero really! Your funny that is one of my songs I use when I have those last minutes on the treadmill to get me finished.
Listen to you being all on top of it today! I started with indifference, that's what has held me together these last few months, but it was easier because he was on a silent kick. Now he's mister maid, and carp, and trying to be part of convo's, and dinners, and my bed.
Your right, it's like I pray God is maybe guiding I'm home, I don't push it, but when he does or says something dep. I get angry at the one ounce of effort I even aloud myself to give to this.
He will never be who or what I want, I read this from someone here, I would rather be happy than M, I need to be happy, I don't need to be M.
I'm stir crazy too, damn snow storm today! That's why I'm working inside but hell he had to jump in, in know how to put [censored] in the attic, thank you! My anger is his face these days and s21 is going through the same anger, it's like h should just stfu and don't try!
I'm being mean I get that, but I'm not going to hold it in so I guess I have to take it to the gym! I had my L4 L5 disc shaved 4yrs ago because of sciatica. I have several meds here but I don't respond well, so I diet and walk, I guess it will help both issues!
Thanks, Nero....I just miss L so much, I'm not cut out for such evil spew, I'm a L not a fighter! I miss a good handsome man speaking polite and respectful! I'm sick of the eggshells all over my house!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
He will never be who or what I want, I read this from someone here, I would rather be happy than M, I need to be happy, I don't need to be M.
hey- this is heavy. i want to be happy too- i'm not married- i was once - it's no guarantee is it? much as i'd like to think it would provide soemthing to me. .
i find myself thinking, "what do i want?)" i want to feel happy again- and pretty much at peace with the world.
i feel at odds with everyone - the universe maybe. it's bad juju- girls need inner peace - well, this girl does.
i think the man i loved was all in my head. he said "what he was" and i belived. somewhere along the line he stopped being a nice guy and a decent guy. i made excuses i guess to myself and the world. maybe that's the hardest part- giving up on someone's intrinsic goodness. it seems a very very harsh judgement- to decide he is just bad now- let him go.
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[/quote]Thanks, Nero....I just miss L so much, I'm not cut out for such evil spew, I'm a L not a fighter! I miss a good handsome man speaking polite and respectful! I'm sick of the eggshells all over my house!
HOOOLLLLEYYYYY CRAP DAWN- me too. i am not even competitive in the least. i bend and stretch and do everyting in the universe to avoid the fight. all i come up with is that i was soooooooo EASY and that is that. my sole attraction - i'm a good companion and not demanding. sad sad discovery- that's all iwas for sooooo long. just someone easy.
i think all i ever saw my life as was/is - in love with ___ and loved by ___. i'd like to feel bad about it- it was the most important thing. i don't begin to know what will replace it. i just don't have any big giant agendas to steer toward - i'm a floater as well as a L'r. that is all there is to me- paint, create, love, talk, interact, eat & sleep.
maybe i'll get lucky and someone new will come along- or maybe not and i'll just figure out some new lifestyle that doesn't include love. i guess i could get a dog - like everyone else in the universe alone and wanting someone to love.
oh well- off to post office. no wisdom- hang on dearie -
i miss L too - i'd say tho - something will come along and our lives will flow forward - and we'll feel it- maybe of a different sort for a different person or reason- but if you've got it inside to feel & share- it pops out - somehow- i'm going with that notion today..... i'm pretty much all about love- too late to change the persuasion of a lifetime - and is it so bad???
you know, beatles - all ya need is love- well, ole ray says it will find us and all we have to do is be open to it - (well, and open to the universe)
keeping a good thought.
[quote]I'm being mean I get that, but I'm not going to hold it in so I guess I have to take it to the gym! I had my L4 L5 disc shaved 4yrs ago because of sciatica. I have several meds here but I don't respond well, so I diet and walk, I guess it will help both issues!
ouch- sometimes i get it - & pain down my leftleg. been good lately since i lost some weight and walking alot- i know what you mean about the drugs- not my answer either. i take anti-inflamm if really bad- but try and just tough it out. so me... okay- go to gym and PUT ON PITBULL FOR PETE SAKE- I JUST PLAYED IT FOUR TIMES- FEEL PERKIER AL READY!~!
BTW - GET MEAN- GET LOUD- GET IT OUT- WHY INTERNALIZE- ONLY GIVE YOU AN ULCER. can you even imagine doing this on your own- which i guess women have done since time began- yuck!!!
My s21 just went at it with h. S and I were speaking and h did his new jump in to the convo act, and we all seem to loosing our patients with his sneaking into our lives just enough to get back out. S told H to stfu and stay out of it, h said your not talking nice to mom ( it was me that was upset) s said I'm fine w/mom your the problem, to which h agreed.
H told S to let him do what he has to do, S said then to GTFO, h relplied I'm not doing anything though! S said he's the cause of our home not working out well, so he can bitch that things are going wrong. H agreed he's never gonna be happy, S told him to stop being mean to mom!
H here is not good for any of us even though at times he's as quiet as a church mouse. His presence as a stranger make us all uneasy, and when he tries to poke around sometimes we are resentful.
I can feel that things are going to change big around here, I just don't want to be the cause. If h makes a big change I want it to be his move not my push!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
We are hurt people lashing out, h is hurting too, but he's the cause of our hurt. His hurt is one of isolation and dep and he doesn't want to feel better, we do!
I have put this sitch in Gods hands....I just don't have the strength to get through much more!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Last I wrote H had verbalized that he was a 3 yrs old, not sure how or why he came to that age but that's where he said his mind was. Today I see with the 14 hrs+ of video games and the dep getting stronger it's 1991, he was 31 yrs old.
This is the exact point when he was let go from a career that he put his heart and sole into, realizing he was not going to get his start up $$$, we lost the apt. that came with the job, and I was 9 mnths prego w/our fourth child. We moved into an apt. across town just before Christmas, moved schools, one car, and he had no job.
I had never seen him sink so low or see anyone feel so let down by another person before. He ranted angrily, continuously, about how could his boss do that to us. Also, here is were the spiritual battle came in, long story but such a strong blow.
Today, H is spewing the exact words as then, calling old boss by name, playing the exact same video game, growing his hair out again, and staying up 20hrs at a time.
Where do we go from here, well after this there were know other incidences, and life was good, until 2008 pre-bd, when he lost clients, work was slow, and we lost our new build.
Do they replay the actual that made them flip? He's never really let that go, spewing about it all through every stage so far. I think we may have to walk through that one as well, and that's when he will what, flip back, cause there is nowhere left to go from there.
He's coming out slowly, he says he's trying, now the dep is deep again and he's not nice, nor helpful around the house. I'm so scared he's going to come to a point of being a nobody! No change, no heart, just done with life, a complete waste of a man.
That is the time when he was suicidal, what if...I can't take this on, he is too much for me!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
i do not think it is your job (philosophically speaking) to save him- and i do not believe YOU can even if you want to. like an alcoholic or anyone immersed totally in their own emotional/addiction/ mental battle- they have to want it themselves. it's the unfortunate truth - much as we'd like to help or feel compelled to try.
you wanting to help him might be nice for him to know - but it CAN'T INstill inside him the will and ability to pull himself up and do it. only he can ...
putting in God's hands is probably best you can do for him and you. you'll just make yourself a basket case if you even begin to think you can make a giant difference. we are not Gods -
when i allow myself to feel responsible for solving someone's giant problem- it only makes me end up hating myself and them and everyone (a bit) - failure is built it. because it is just not doable by us.
my sitch probably seems like child's play to you when your h is in such bad shape. idk- does KNOWING he's in pain and crisis really help you get thru it? it sounds like it makes you as hurt and nuts as me. '
i'm thinking we're both tired to point of "handing it over" to someone else- them (if they'd only see it - do it) or God - because we fight a losing battle if we think we've got any real power in it all.
just my rather hopeless (but maybe useful) position today. maybe there's some freedom and peace of mind in letting go?
i was soooo raised to fix things- and help people and kids and take care of everyone- andmake people like me- wtf??? it's hard to accept , but
i'm workin on it today- no energy to even get totally upset-
just that my mind notices - and it flits out the other side of my brain-
am i wimping out? am i trying to let myself "off the hoook? or is it a valid position? whattya think?
OTHER NOTE - It's really something the way you can pinpoint your h's stages and where he's been in hislife - and the things that were pivotal that happened and he's reliving.
i wish i had something like that i could pinpoint so i felt like i had one tiny grasp of any bit of his reality. i just don't get it - he's had such a good life. aside from his mother leaving him w/ jerky dad - he's had it all and more and has got it all now. . what could this guy WANT FROM LIFE anyway???
good news - drinking alot of coffee daily (according to LifeExtension Magazine) will give me a 70% less likelihood of developing alzheimers - i'll take it.
how convenient that my one giant un-conquerable addiction NOW TURNS OUT to be a good thing!!!
((( )))
tired and saying lets do it- lets hand this allll off to God - we're just girls who want to be happy and want love. not psychiatrist storm troopers...
