Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.

[Raine]

Snodderly that makes sense. I was so surprised by some of this stuff. Really kind of embarrassing. I was just not expecting to see adolescence in such a literal form. Just in these odd things like making out in a parking lot, but not the full young teenager persona.

[Takevowsserious]

Hey Raine-

The multiple personalities are interesting. Very interesting.

I remember reading HB's stuff and expecting to see this later on in the crisis - not so.

The height of my H's personality changes (so far anyway) was late summer/fall. There are three distinct personalities that I can see... Real H, teenage H, and alien H.

Living with him, I have seen some crazy crap. Sometimes amusing, sometimes frustrating, sometimes creepy.

Being around him so much, I started to see the particulars of each personality and learn how i should respond to each. Alien H - I steer clear of him. No good will come of any interactions. Teenage H - he's chatty with me, gives me eye contact. But I know he's not real H. Loves texting too!!! And real H... He's been around more and more. It's tiny little things that I notice... A certain smile, a laugh, a look.

You'll learn how to deal with and interact with each personality.

Get your chemistry goggles and clip board out, and start the observations!

[Raine]

T our H seem to be on the same time line, hitting this area about 6-9 months post BD. And how can I forget about Mr Grumpy/Depressive pants? I don't see that one much, being separated. That is the one that will stay in a hole for days on end and fear sunlight. So I see that one if there is something going on for the boys at the time. I stay clear of any questions or discussions almost always, so I don't spark anything.

[AJM]

The thing to remember Raine, is that what you see is like the tip of the iceberg. You see a small part of what's going on in his head and heart.

If he didn't tell you that he truly needed your help, how would you have known? Many mlcers say such things, but never voiced their thoughts/concerns at the time they thought we should have been there for them.

A quick thought on that. They also "remember" that they needed your help, even if at the time they didn't think so.

When you see those personalities, it kind of makes sense. Depressed? What to do about that? Well, you try and fix it. But how? Hmm.. I know. I'll go back in my mind to a time I was happy before. Bang! Enter teenager. The only problem is that they weren't happy then. Bang! Forward to a time I was happy. I know, I was a husband with only good things to look forward to. Except that I haven't dealt with the issues as a teen. Bang! Forward to depression. Why can't I be happy? There must be a reason.... If only I could... Bang! Life intrudes and I have things I have to do as an adult. If only I was somebody else who IS happy. Bang! Except, I'm not that person. Rinse, repeat.

Just three personalities? I counted 11 in mine. And she still seems to trying. Crazy? MLC? Who knows, but I do know there are unresolved issues that she's dealing with even now. It goes on until they resolve the issues.

Grab the popcorn and strap in. It's a wild ride to say the least. But don't get in the way of it. You didn't start it, and you can't stop it. It has to play out at, as you've seen, all costs.

Peace,
AJ

[Raine]

AJ likely there has got to be more, or more to come. I am pretty far out of the way of it with being separated and going weeks without seeing him. I could be combining things.

I think even if I had done more to help alleviate the depression years ago, I'd still be here. I noticed he was down. He was having surreal experiences. So I got him airfare and planned a trip for him to go back home. I pushed him into a new job. I scheduled weekly date nights and friend nights. I think there is a problem there too that I was the one attempting to solve the problem but not doing enough or recognizing enough in his mind. Now he is on his own.

Today H asks me if he can come home to shower before going out tonight. I said yes. He came out completely clean shaven. He has had this awful beard he is very proud of and started growing at bomb drop. I've taken it as a sign of rebellion, but also the biggest sign of when this started for me. I nearly started to cry when i saw him. Oh my heck it was him for the first time in 7 months. And it was hard because I know this isn't a sign of any change or has any meaning. It's just because of a competition and he will be growing it back. He asked about what I thought and I said it looks really good. I told him I almost started to cry and he got tears in his eyes and came over and hugged me and put his cheek against mine. He also was making ineundos at me while here. I have a hard time with that, like hey buddy you can't flirt with me and other women too. I just brush it off. But this week is the first he has talked like that to me since BD.

I took the boys out tonight to this really cool museum experience. The boys were so adorable. We had such a great time. Gotta get more of these moments in before it gets hard to go out for awhile.

[AJM]

I love museums. Some of my favorite memories are at museums both by myself and with my kids. Really good times

As long as you realize there was nothing you could do and don't stay too long remembering, I think you have a handle on the "what". I think you have a good perspective on things and I realize how hard that is. It is hard. But is also a compulsion he has to complete this journey. Nothing will stand in his way, not even himself. I think you see that too.

He is very much searching, Raine. And make no mistake, he's looking everywhere except where the answer is so far. He may know something isn't "right" but until he figures it out, the ride continues no matter how much he, or anyone else wants it to stop. You may have felt some of that already.

Don't worry about combining things. I'm able to keep pace

Enjoy the time with the boys and take care of yourself. Those are some good times and it would be a real tragedy to miss them. My times like that with my kids are something I treasure greatly.

Peace,
AJ

[Raine]

Oh my gosh. I've got it. I've got it figured out. And all I want to do is tell H. I got it. I know it. I want to tell him Good-bye. I want to tell him what a F'ing A he is. Oh my hell this is so hard to not to message him right now.

Ugh, I don't want this! I don't want to deal with putting the pieces back together, because there are even more pieces now. Yes pop the popcorn, because not only is the past fully in the light, but so is a new and younger future. Hell now, and the possible "positive" thing that awaits is piecing Hell later? I just feel miserable. All these clues, all the little things he has dropped in convo have now fit perfectly into the puzzle. And maybe some reasoning for it too.

Sometime around Nov 2010 - January 2011 H would have had an encounter (BJ) with OW#2. OW#2 got fired in January 2011 and left the state. 99.9% sure this is the first time any cheating every happened in our marriage. H also was freaking out around this time because he thought he might have some kind of weird thing going on down there, and wouldn't have sex without a condom. He saw the Dr about this mid January 2011. Oh and I was 8 months pregnant with S#3. That pregnancy was incredibly hard. I couldn't sleep. I was miserable and in constant pain. H couldn't handle it. I had a super weird feeling about it. I talked to him about STDs, but I trusted this guy with my life. Since that time until BD, I would wake up in the middle of the night with dreams that he was cheating on me and want to see his phone, not expecting anything would be there, but just so I could go back to sleep so I could tell my mind, it's just a dream.

Yes, things started to slowly change with him around that time. Less attentive, more selfish and self absorbed, moody. And my frustration and resentment was growing. More and more responsibility on me. Newborn, work, kids, everything. I sent him back home for a vacation fall 2011 because he was not himself and depressed. Fall 2011 is also when I would have been dealing two friends who became with LBS for affairs.

1.5 years after OW#2 encounter would be pregnancy with #4, BD, and soon after that friendship with OW#1 would have gone physical.

So now fast-forward to the new stuff. Remember how H said he thought it was disgusting for older men going for much younger women? He's found his 22 yr old. Meet OW#4. H went to a party last weekend until 5am. Meet and spent the time with her and been talking/flirting all weekend. This one seems a bit more dangerous, playing a bit harder to get. Nothing physical yet.

The hits just keep on coming and nothing seems to be going wrong. Why can't something go incredibly wrong? OW#3's H, yeah, no clue. OW#2 & #3, happy to be used long distance and during travel. OW#1, putting out while waiting for him to move on the D. OW#4, probably thinks D is pending.

I look down at myself, and don't get why I am still here. New me is incredibly compassionate, forgiving, understanding. Old me is fighting to come out.

[job]

Calm down. Take a deep breath! You know that mlcers can bounce back and forth between affairs. They don't always stick w/one person the entire time.

The 22 yr old most likely is using him or maybe he's the one infatuated and she's not...

He's playing w/fire and one of these days he's going to get a STD. Please be sure to have yourself checked periodically.

I would dearly love to lock him up in a padded cell until his crisis was over. I'm so sorry that you found out about his latest "crush".

[Takevowsserious]

Dear Raine-

Giiiirl...

I hear you...

Since my secret agent eavesdropping episode, I've been on a kick of rereading info about affairs. I am finding it helpful as a reminder of how messed up they really are.

From the hero's spouse:

"Do you think it is a strong and mentally healthy person who needs someone to feel desperate for them to feel more important? The alienator's desperation is indicative of the MLCers level of weakness and self-worth. I know you want your husband, but step aside from your situation. Come on, you can do that. Consider that you are young and single - never married. What type of person would you choose? Would your MLCer - as an MLCer - be in the running? Probably not."

First of all, these other women your H is hooking up with have one thing in common - they could never be you. Ever! They may be different from each other on the surface, but they are all weak individuals who have very low standards along with even lower opinions of themselves.

Secondly - do we even really want our H in their current condition? I can't speak for you, but for me, my real H was quite a catch. This alien pod person - not so much.

I know it's hard to not be angry. I have a lot of anger too. I think we just can't let it consume us, try to work through it, and remember how messed up they really are.

I would even go as far to say that for how much we hurt, their pain is much greater. Why else would they stoop so low?

I understand the old you wanting to come out, oh I really do. The new you just has to have a pep talk with her and set her straight. The new you is stronger and wiser.

Sorry for your bad day. I have been putting together (or trying to) some puzzle pieces myself. Some fit, some don't. Which makes me then think... They will fit all together when we are supposed to finally understand and see the big picture in all it's glory.

Hang in there mama. We're here for you. And if you feel the need to do a private rant with some b and w and c words, I am right there with ya

[Raine]

He is with ow#4 tonight. H has some pretty charming qualities and definately goes for women with insecurities and can charm the pants off them. I bet there is mutual infatuation going on. Yet he wants to lie to me about it all and keep it so hidden. And she is just a baby. He called up tonight to say gnite to the boys. Sounded terrible. Said he was super tired and going to crash. It's so weird. Makes me wonder what he has said to her cause its very easy for her to find me through him and that we are married. Oh well. Doesn't matter. Just feels like it is all starting over again. I think that's why I was just so annoyed today. This house of cards has to fall at some point.