I was dreading it as much as S15 because we both know he'll flip out and we both think he'll be angry at us specifically. I really resent the tone my H takes and the way he seems to imply that S15's challenges are my fault. Everything has to be right or wrong and someone needs to be at fault. It makes me want to change the locks and stop telling him anything. But that's my issue to learn to deal with. He's not making me feel anything, I feel it because of how I interpret H and the meaning I give to my interpretation.
So anyway, modelling how I want to be treated, I texted H that when he had a few minutes we should talk more about S15. He said it could be either Sunday or Monday after work. On Sunday he said Monday would be better. I told him I'd be at S15's game until about 8 but we could talk before or after it. He said after.
So today we met at S15's game, he arrived unexpectedly about 1/2 way through and sat next to me. I kept my conversation light and pleasant, was happy to see him and excited about how well S was playing. In between things like the weather and S and the coming season and stuff, I had little to say that was good so I was quiet. I chose not to bring up the thoughts that came to mind, that I need to ask him for money for summer camp, that I just found a sex shop charge on our credit card, that S15 snuck out, etc. This was not the time or place.
H was fairly pleasant too and said hello to some of the other parents. He peppered his conversation with the usual, did you fill the gas tank? You better, with the snow coming if you don't there will be long lines. (ok, don't worry, it's full) You didn't dress warmly enough I bet you're cold (it's ok, I'm wrapped in the sleeping bag I brought and I'm fine). S15 is so dumb I bet he didn't wear pants did he (yes he has pants on, they are his team shorts, he he) why didn't he put on long pants he's crazy and probably freezing the other team all has long pants on. I just tried to keep it pleasant on my side and not get or act annoyed by the nitpicking.
When the game wound down I asked if he still wanted to talk at 8 as planned or how about just grab something to eat and talk now? He said nah let's talk another day. So, OK, I haven't told him yet then.
When we do talk, I have the following: S15 snuck out, here's how I'm handling it and here's what I told him will happen the next time if there is a next time. S15 and I had a conversation about the drugs and here's the consequences we discussed and also I'm taking him for an evaluation Friday. I wrote down some of the rules and consequences in a draft contract that I want to work on with S15 and bring H into the conversation if he's interested. I also need to let him know we're not all decided on going away with him for part of spring break so it would be premature if he's booking anything yet.
Stuff like this I just don't communicate well in text messages and emails with H. He's very abrupt, and assumes you understood what he meant and assumes he knows what you were going to say so you don't need to say it. I am much more effective in a planned conversation with adequate time, removed from distractions and outside of the event that caused an angry response. I'm hoping this will be a way we can plan to communicate, but I'll be prepared to adjust if H is just not comfortable talking together.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
