Told W Friday night that I was not trying to hurt her feelings regarding the sushi dinner, but simply wanted to spend some time with the kids. This spiraled into a R discussion where she simply indicated she didn't feel any different. She said, "I'm just not getting over it" referring to her resentment of me not being a better H for the majority of our M. I said, "that's a choice you have," and she said, "ok, I'm choosing to not get over it."
Cheeseless tunnel buddy...
Those are her feelings, and have consistently been for some time now.
They will be, until they aren't anymore.
You haven't shown her anything different for quite some time, why would her feelings have changed ???
She's never lost you....
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
At one point she accused me of dating since I have been going out a few nights a week and not telling her where I've gone. Then she flips it and says she knows I will do anything to keep this M together. She said she assumed once the house sold we would go our separate ways, but half the time she's talking about what we should buy next, so more mixed messages.
Sounds like projection behavior to me.
Mixed messages are only around, until you make a plan, and move forward with it....
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
With regards to a hard line on the OM, it doesn't seem necessary. She doesn't have any interest in staying together so it's really a moot point. Regarding D, I will hire my attorney this week and bang out the rest of the paperwork. We'll have to discuss how finances will work for the period between D and house sale, but otherwise I think it's pretty straight forward.
Yea, well assuming that the boundary is to punish her, then it is moot.
In regards to YOU doing it for you, then no, it is not a moot point.
Hard line....
As long as there are other men in your life, I will not be...
It certainly keeps you from sitting at home wondering now doesn't it ???
Keeps YOUR head from spinning around...
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
I decided to go see my Dad and his W yesterday....went to a winery (neither of them had been). It was great fun. W texted a few times and then called me...felt like she was checking up on me.
WHY the F did you answer ???
Why are you still tied to her leash ????
Simple response ????
"Are the kids okay? "
"Why yes Breakdown, they are"
"Okay, thanks"
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
On the drive home this morning I was thinking....my W really is my best friend. So for now, that is how I will treat her. She is an amazing woman, a great mom, and I couldn't have been luckier to have her in my life. She's taught me so much, and I feel sad that she won't forgive me, but I think it's time to move forward.
Blah, Blah, Blah Bullschidt....
Look, I understand what you are saying here.
I ALSO understand that you can treat her that way, without placing expectations on any of it. Treat her that way regardless the outcome of this.
Treat her that way because that is how you want to treat everyone...
You said that you were moving in a new direction lately, and from what I see....
There's a lot in that last paragraph, remember it isn't over until you decide it is.
Yeah, I still have hope, but I have come to the realization that moving forward with the D, and possibly even getting it, may be part of the journey. It's not about what "I" need, but rather, what "W" needs and right now, she thinks she needs D.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
You've been an inspiration to me and a huge help with my own sitch.
I'm glad I've been able to pass it forward. I've gotten so much help here myself and feel at peace knowing I can come here and say and feel what I want and get a 2x4 or words of encouragement.
Originally Posted By: Spartan
I wish and pray nothing but the best for you.
Thanks buddy...I'm wishing the same for you as well.
You haven't shown her anything different for quite some time, why would her feelings have changed ???
She's never lost you....
Absolutely true...cheeseless tunnel and I know this and have even talked about it. And you are absolutely right that she has never lost me.
And I think that's the new direction I've been talking about lately. I've been GAL, but I haven't really accepted the idea that D is going to happen, so I haven't really changed my interactions with W. I have still been available to her because I've been afraid of what would happen if I wasn't. I think I tell myself "BD, you are just being nice....you like hanging out with her...you want to be this person." But I think the reality has been the fear.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
As long as there are other men in your life, I will not be...
It certainly keeps you from sitting at home wondering now doesn't it ???
Keeps YOUR head from spinning around...
Again, superb point. Up until now, I don't think I was ready to do it because I was afraid of the outcome. This fear, the idea that she would choose someone else over me, this has been a core fear (and problem) for most of our relationship.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
WHY the F did you answer ???
Why are you still tied to her leash ????
My response via text was "what's up?" but we have some people who are supposedly making an offer on the house and I thought it might be about that when she called. It wasn't....just BS, so in hindsight I shouldn't have answered.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Treat her that way because that is how you want to treat everyone...
Agreed.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
What is Breakdown gonna do ? For him ????
Stop spinning round and round her....
What is YOUR plan ???
And this is really what it's all about. I've spent 2 years working on me in the hopes that my W would want to R....that was my end game. Yeah, I've been thrilled with my changes...I am a much much better person, a much happier person, but there's been some co-dependence in a lot of what I've been doing to this point. It's time to cut that line.
My short term plan is what I said earlier...I will get with my lawyer, bang out the agreement, and start moving in that direction. I will take control of the D as opposed to reacting to it. I need to get some counsel on what I can do with timing, but W needs to see me moving on, and frankly, I need to have a single direction as opposed to the flip flopping.
Great advice as always Mach1. I feel like you have been telling me this for 8 months now, and I've inched closer and closer to it, but kept stopping because W showed positive signs.
