Do me a favor? Move Self Compassion towards the top of your list. It's not a relationship book... it's a book to save yourself. You need that right now.
1) Fear of being alone - did you have this fear before you met your wife? Do you really think that at age 44 you are NEVER going to meet anyone again (if the worst case scenario happens here). If you believe you will never meet anyone again, why? I think if you analyze this deeply, you're going to find out that this is more fear of not having W than of being alone. If the worst case scenario happens, I have news for you... there are a lot of people out there. I don't subscribe to the soul mate theory. There are a lot of people we can get along with and who we will love and love us back...
2) Fear of failure - again, pride based. The wonderful thing about DB is that you CAN'T fail if you work the program correctly. This is so much more about self growth and reflection. I see in you so much that you want to grow. Allow yourself to do so.
3) Fear of "re-figuring everything out" - Fear of change? Well, all of us have that! Can you tell me a time in your life you dreaded a change and it turned out to be the exact right thing?
4) Fear of losing time with your D - Well, don't fear it, it's happening right now in a way. Now, your course is to make the time with your daughters quality time. How can you connect with them with the time you do have?
You do need some confidence. Your issue with being emotionally abusive is the classic sign of someone who has self esteem issues. You want your confidence back? Start working on YOU. You are not going to get confidence from your W, your daughters, your marriage... that's going to come from YOU.
JP, I have soooooo much hope for you. Sooooo much. I see you quite introspective about your faults here. But Mach is so right... take responsibility for you. Don't take on the whole thing. I have a friend on these forums who had some of the same behaviors as you. He blamed EVERYTHING on himself. He ended up reconciling. But you know what he said in the end? He realized that the breakdown wasn't ALL his fault. He saw his part clearly but took on far too much. Go look him up... Denver... you might learn a lot.
