Hi all.. Hoping and needing advice with going dark... a little over a month ago I found out about the OM... found them in our house one night when I decided to show up without txting first... turns out the other man is 17yrs younger than her as well. we exchanged words that night. with in two days she put a peace bond on me because she didn't want me showing up at the house anymore incase the OM as there. We have only talked twice since then. once on the phone.. only to separate stuff.... and once txting and it was just small stuff.. I never mentioned anything about the OM the R.... prior to finding out about the OM.. we had two months of her going out partying till 2 or 3 in the morning.. she gave me the speech of needing some space and wanting to move out about 3 weeks before I caught her. Saying she had to think about stuff and needed to fall out of love so she could move out.... This woman was near perfect for almost 9yrs.. had high moral values.. would do anything for me and our family. Would never do anything like this before. all within 2 months she dressed different.. she starting hanging out with 19 and 20yrs old that she goes to nursing school with... (she's 39 and I am 38).. she had a hysterectomy in June 2012... school is crazy stressful for her. she's only in her second year now...
So since all this came out we have barely talked.. the OM is always over had her new place.. and sleeps there on weekends her daughter isn't there.. he couldn't be more opposite than me. She lies to everyone and me about everything she can... (again never ever use to lie)
So my question is.. how long do I stay dark? days? weeks??? months???? she is obviously a very classic case of MLC..which I never realized until I found her with the OM... I just thought she was blowing off steam from the stress of school... so my initial reactions were the typical crying and begging for her not to leave.. do I respond in the classic way back? by staying dark? I was a pursuer/fixer in the relationship before. I just don't know how long I should.. or just wait for her to make contact?
anything would help.. I am soo lost!
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
It might, maybe, who knows have the effect of her missing you, and getting curious, but don't count on it at all. As a recovering fixer, this will be maybe the most difficult thing to do, I can tell you, but it is essential for YOU so YOU have time, space to work on you. you do it as much, or as little as you need or the situation seems to warrant. Do what works, and give any changes TIME to cook (and it is a slow cook BBQ) and see if there is any improvement.
Since I have an in-house mlc'er and kids, I could only go "dim"...don't initiate contact, don't offer to help, etc...I let my W come to me if she wanted/needed anything, and then I was there present 100%. But otherwise, I got on with my own agenda, self-improvement, GAL and such. I got a lot out of my time, so did my kids And still do.
Going dark is for YOU, so what are you going to do for YOU?
Welcome to crazyland, buckle up, get yourself back first, then worry about W cuz this mlc is coming from somewhere long before you were with her....
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thank you TSquared2....... I am trying so hard to go dark and stay dark... for myself yes.... but also for the relationship. one day I am fine... the next my hands are shaking and I can't stop thinking about how it went so wrong... I start to second guess our relationship. It's just so hard losing your best friend when you can't figure out why... as most of us know on here... I am scared that by going dark I will lose her... how can you save something by walking away from it... ? it's goes against my beliefs as a fixer.... but I am trying so hard.... and yes your right... I want to come out of this healthy... I have a good job... make good money... have already seperated everything with her and I am back in the house... I know in the long run I will be ok... once I detach from her.... but it's the fear of letting go forever that scares me more than I can say. I can let go for 6 months.. a year.. or whatever it might take for her to come thru this... but even then there is no guarantee that she will still even want to come back.. I am still trying to figure out why/how she could leave in the first place. Thank you so much for just being on this site... so many wise people I can't thank you all enough....
Cadet I did read the thread... I will read it again... I find I need to read them all over and over... and it does help
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
Hey everyone.. Welcome to March... another calendar page I can start marking big red X's on since all of the MLC stuff started. With each day that passes I seem to get maybe 1/2% better than the day before... but for sure it's two steps forward and one step back.... and some days it's all the way back. I had no contact with her for a couple of weeks and then she wrote me and wished me a Happy Birthday... which is all I wanted .. was for her to at least acknowledge it. but the second I see her name back on my phone it makes my stomach drop. I clearly need A LOT more time being dark. My birthday represented two things.. of course the fact that I was turning 38.. but also it was the first time we made love 9yrs ago.. every Bday card I haven't gotten from her over the years always had a little joke or something in it about it being our first time on that date.. it hurts soo much. So on my bday I did a bad thing. after coming home from a friends house I drove by my W's house that she is renting and of course she had the OM there. and all I could do was cry thinking how could she of all the nights of the year be with him. I am sorry for venting about this but I think that was what hurt the most.. she can be with him all the other days of the year.. but why that one day? I went home and punch the punching bad I bought for almost 20mins straight with tears coming down my face. For the first time since this stared 3 months ago I was ready to give up... I was angry for the first time... at her... at the world for this happening to me. I cursed God for letting this happen to such a beautiful person.
Are these break downs normal? do they become less and less? I know the main part of the problem is that I even drove by her house in the first place.... which goes against the detaching principles.
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
I have a question that I hope someone can answer for me.... I have been reading all kinds of post on this site now for just over a month now... and please someone correct me if I am wrong because I think I am. Since all these MLC stuff comes from there childhood and the issues that weren't dealt with properly. And a lot of people say that they have been wearing a mask all this time and haven't been able to be themselves because of it. So does that mean my wife whom I have known for all these never really truly loved me??? and if that is true..... then why would she ever come back to me if she was never really in love with me in the first place? I want to stand for my marriage and the woman I love dearly... but did she ever love me?
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
If your wife didn't love you for all of those years, she wouldn't have remained w/you. Also, you would have "sensed" if she didn't love you.
They stuff those loving and good feelings that they have for their spouses when the switch is flipped at midlife. What bubbles up to the surface is all of the stunted emotional feelings/growth that needs attention. They need to travel back to the time when their emotional growth was stunted, thus this is usually at a young age. Once there, they will act out and eventually (hopefully) resolve those issues, i.e., come to understand that they were not at fault for the way that they were treated and/or mistreated.
Yes, your wife loved you, but right now, her personality is the exact opposite of the pre-crisis woman. She is the "mirror image of the woman you love. During the crisis, she will try on various masks and personas to try to figure out who she really is. You may see the behavior of a child, a teenager and then an adult all in one afternoon. They do cycle back and forth through the stages, except for acceptance.
The best thing you can do is live your life as if she may not return. If you know that you have some changes to make, then make them and be sure that they are permanent and not to win her back. Take up some hobbies or do the things that you've put off while she is time traveling. You are now on your own journey of self discovery. Time, patience and knowledge will help you in traveling the mlc path.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks snodderly.... I am often confused while reading about if they ever had true feelings... before all of this happened I would have told anyone who asked that she loved me unconditionally... she was my biggest cheerleader in life and I was hers..... so I am sorry for questioning her love.... But it's easy to do when you see them act the way they do... .run off and act like a teenager.... get a bf who is almost 20yrs younger than her.... and then flaunt it in my face.... it takes all the patience and understanding in the world not to say something.
Without this site I would be lost in life... if not worse.... people like you are "true" lifesavers.... knowledge is power... and I will continue to read and re-read all I can from this site and others experiences....
I am trying to live life as if she is not coming back... I have been looking at ways to better myself as a person and a potential mate... regardless of who that may be in the future.... I had a pretty active social life before all this happened... so the GAL is pretty easy.... once I kick this depression state that I am in hopefully I get back in the game of life soon....
Thanks again
M-39 W-41 T-9yrs BD-Dec 2012 “regardless of your choices and the fact that they may have caused me to experience painful emotions, I still love you because I recognize the purpose of our journey.”
YOu concentrate alot on "MLC" as if it's all your W's issues. What has your married life been like? Give us your marital history and that will help.
MLC is caused by certain life changing triggers. Loss of a job, getting older, empty nest, etc. And there are usually signs that lead up to it. The more detail you give, the better.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
And still do.