Bring It On 2013

[BeingMe]

Updating ...

H's mom broke her hip and just had an op. She is comfortable, but confused. She has altzheimers, and it's quite advanced. I'm pleased that H is keeping me in the loop. His mom is in our home country far away, so he gets informed via email from his one brother, and then he fwds it to me. I'm so sad ... she has been my mom for 27 years (my own mom passed when I was 21 years old). We always got on very well, but now she doesn't remember me or our children.

H has been weird lately ... he asked me to go with him to the local pub on Friday night (it has kareoke and the food is pretty good ... I also thought "doesn't he have a date?"). I was hungry so said yes. We had fun. On Saturday, a friend and I went out for the day, and I switched off my cell. When I switched it back on, there was a long text from him, so I replied in two words. Then, my D20 gets back from NY on Sunday, and we were discussing our text book for review next week, in the car. (We are taking a course together.) She said she was going to read it on the plane, which she did ... most of it anyway. I've gotten through about half. The book is The Lizard Cage by Karen Connelly (?). It's a fascinating book about Burma. Anyway, my H asks if it's something he would want to read (how would we know?). My D20 says she's not sure, but it's a brilliant book, and she's enjoying it. I guess he wants to be part of our conversations ... feeling left out. Reading was one of the big things we had in common when we met each other. I don't recall when last he read a book that wasn't a manual. He's also so sensitive ... he thought a text from my D20 was curt, but when she got home and he asked her if she's angry with him, she said "no, why" and he referred to the text. To me, all texts are curt ... it's their nature to be so. That's what smiley faces are for. D20 said she had been tired. He has found a studio apartment where he works, and I told (note "told") him that D20 and her friends could stay there when they go shopping or for the comic fan event next month. He said "no problem." He left for work city later than usual.

I'm confused. Just two weeks ago, I asked when we'll have the money for the divorce lawyer, and he said March (he just started a new contract, so money will be tight until he gets his first payment). Now March is here, and this is what he's doing. For a long time, I've not been calling him, and only text when absolutely needed. He calls me, and I get off the phone ASAP. I don't cook for him anymore, when he's at home. I do during the week, for myself and D20 and/or S25 when he's around. As far as I'm concerned, the ship has not only sailed on our marriage, it sank. So, I hope he's not trying to get back, 'cause I'm not interested. Or, maybe he wants to be "friends". I hope I've made it clear what my intentions are. To continue with my metaphor ... perhaps he's circling the sunken ship (like the Titanic) to see what can be salvaged?

I dunno ... it's just too strange, for me. Just after Christmas, we got into a sorta argument, and he said (almost resentfully) that, "maybe I do love you in my own f*cked up way." I just walked out of the kitchen where this weird "conversation" was happening. I was speechless. I haven't said ILY in a long, long time, so not sure where this came from. We were discussing finances, the end of our marriage. Not really emotional stuff, as far as I could tell. And now, all this other stuff.

Well, if anyone has read this far, thanks, and I wouldn't mind some opinions, please.