The View from the Blanket II

[bustingout]

BD, Subguy and GTO, thank you for your feedback and encouragement! :-)

I spoke to my mom again and advised for her to do what SHE feels she is comfortable with with regards to H. She said she would see at the time if and when he does actually call her (he has not).

I guess for H it must be awkward as well. For example I am still very close to his brother and sister and their families. His sister is my best friend. My family has not shut down communication with him, he chose to do that on his own. So it must be hard to try and come back from that.

I was thinking this evening how I am so happy with where I am right now (Thank God). How this journey has gotten me out of a dark place my old path was leading me. I really don't know how the old M could have survived if I had continued with my ways. I feel like I would have imploded. I know H forced the sitch in a way that I would never have asked for, but I am thankful for where I am right now and for the relationship I have with my kids and for the person I am becoming. I can't believe how much anger I have finally released.

This evening my D5 really pushed my buttons. I was so calm, spoke to her about it, asked if she understood and that was it. We moved on. And then I realized afterwards how calm I was. How I spoke to her not at her....the old me would have thrown a hissy fit. lol

Funny how life happens.

So on my quest to keep H in the know about the kids, I texted him this morning with something really funny/cute D5 did before school. Now, I usually text him if there is an 'issue'(illness, poor behavior, etc) and he usually responds.."I hope S/D are ok...maybe the consequences should be this or that...etc"

This morning though I thought, well, there is just so much 'new' stuff that happens with the kids (they are still so young and everything they do is almost a 'first' still on a certain level), and I wanted to share the highs with him too...not just the lows. So I texted him what D5 did (it was funny..I told some of my friends as well and they LOLd), and I got absolutely nothing in return. I didn't necessarily expect a response, but just thought wow...he is one tough cookie. I mean if he can't rejoice in the little pleasures that make up childhood and parenting, maybe I should only leave my interactions with him with about the kids' 'problems'.

He is their father and no one should welcome news more than him about the kids. He doesn't seem to welcome it though. However, its not my problem. Its his choice to decide what to do with his kids. I am simply the messenger so to speak at this time.

It would be nice to actually have a partner to share this all with and laugh together or find solutions to problems together....but hey...it doesn't take away from the warm glow I have as I engage in the privilege of being S and Ds mother.

Another thing I realized tonight..I have never felt confident in a relationship before. I feel confident being a mother though. Its good. :-)