Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.

[Raine]

Oh my gosh. I've got it. I've got it figured out. And all I want to do is tell H. I got it. I know it. I want to tell him Good-bye. I want to tell him what a F'ing A he is. Oh my hell this is so hard to not to message him right now.

Ugh, I don't want this! I don't want to deal with putting the pieces back together, because there are even more pieces now. Yes pop the popcorn, because not only is the past fully in the light, but so is a new and younger future. Hell now, and the possible "positive" thing that awaits is piecing Hell later? I just feel miserable. All these clues, all the little things he has dropped in convo have now fit perfectly into the puzzle. And maybe some reasoning for it too.

Sometime around Nov 2010 - January 2011 H would have had an encounter (BJ) with OW#2. OW#2 got fired in January 2011 and left the state. 99.9% sure this is the first time any cheating every happened in our marriage. H also was freaking out around this time because he thought he might have some kind of weird thing going on down there, and wouldn't have sex without a condom. He saw the Dr about this mid January 2011. Oh and I was 8 months pregnant with S#3. That pregnancy was incredibly hard. I couldn't sleep. I was miserable and in constant pain. H couldn't handle it. I had a super weird feeling about it. I talked to him about STDs, but I trusted this guy with my life. Since that time until BD, I would wake up in the middle of the night with dreams that he was cheating on me and want to see his phone, not expecting anything would be there, but just so I could go back to sleep so I could tell my mind, it's just a dream.

Yes, things started to slowly change with him around that time. Less attentive, more selfish and self absorbed, moody. And my frustration and resentment was growing. More and more responsibility on me. Newborn, work, kids, everything. I sent him back home for a vacation fall 2011 because he was not himself and depressed. Fall 2011 is also when I would have been dealing two friends who became with LBS for affairs.

1.5 years after OW#2 encounter would be pregnancy with #4, BD, and soon after that friendship with OW#1 would have gone physical.

So now fast-forward to the new stuff. Remember how H said he thought it was disgusting for older men going for much younger women? He's found his 22 yr old. Meet OW#4. H went to a party last weekend until 5am. Meet and spent the time with her and been talking/flirting all weekend. This one seems a bit more dangerous, playing a bit harder to get. Nothing physical yet.

The hits just keep on coming and nothing seems to be going wrong. Why can't something go incredibly wrong? OW#3's H, yeah, no clue. OW#2 & #3, happy to be used long distance and during travel. OW#1, putting out while waiting for him to move on the D. OW#4, probably thinks D is pending.

I look down at myself, and don't get why I am still here. New me is incredibly compassionate, forgiving, understanding. Old me is fighting to come out.