My list of book that I have bought or are on order: *Co dependent no more *How to improve your marriage without talking about it *The happiness trap *The 5 LL *Change your life and everyone in it *Forgiveness how to make peace with your past and get on with your life *DB *DR *Boundaries in marriage *Switch: how to change things when change is hard *Hold me tight: seven conversations for a lifetime of love *Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind *Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow
So I have A LOT of reading to do. Most are suggestions from people here (thank you so much!)
I have looked at myself and saw bad things. I think I can remember seeing some good once, but even that is clouded and tainted today.
Ok so here it goes, this is hard and embarrassing, but this is what I see: I see a Man who has been emotionally abusive to his wife, for a long time. I see a man who is scared and makes himself feel better by making his wife feel bad about herself. I see a man who takes the easy route, is impulsive, has anger, is VERY selfish and self centered. I see a man who is in so much pain and has been since before he was twelve. I see a man who has addictions to porn (I dont engage, but know it is there and will always be there)and the ability to become addicted to about anything. I see a man who honestly loves his wife and daughters, yet fells he doenst deserve them because of all the bad he is. I see a man who must love living in self pity and wallow in sh!t. I see a man who feels stupid and can learn. I see a man who has been given three wonderful gifts and wasted them (W,D,D). I see a man who can't get it together to try to save himself or his marriage.
Ugh.. I have to stop for now.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
What I can tell you about everything that you are reading...
It is a GOOD thing that you are taking the time to learn all that you can, about what you did wrong....
Understanding your behavioral patterns will let you understand some of what is going on around you. And your role in the breakdown of the marriage.
Remember though, you are NOT entirely at fault for the failure, no matter what your spouse says to you. You can only accept 50% of that blame. Own YOUR stuff, and stop focusing on the things that you are not responsible for.
You have most certainly taken a look at the most common things that fail in relationships.
One of the wisest things I was told, and it was around the 3-6 month mark for my sitch......
Was to stop trying to diagnose so much, and just live and let the information "soak in" in regards to how you want your life to be like.
I always recommend to read the 5LL twice. Once right after the bomb, and then again later down the road. What happens is, that one really doesn't take much from it during the first read, other than a "How I failed the marriage" manual. One usually finds themselves reading it the first time and thinking "what the hell was I thinking?" Drop a tear in the beer, and wonder how stupid you could be...
There is so much more in 5LL than that. And the truth is, that we never really know that there is another way, until we know there is another way.
The best part of that, is that once we know, then we can't not know again....
Co-dependant No More is a great read, even though you may or may not be co-dependant. If you are looking to assign blame, then anyone can twist the words to reflect the behaviors that they want to see.
DB and DR are on the must read list too, and I hope that you have already undertaken that task.
The rest ? Yea, good books, and relationship orientated, and lots of repeating words in them, but they are all good reads.
Just make sure you don't sit there with your Shirley Temple in hand, crying because they wrote the book specifically for you..Cause they didn't.
One book that I would recommend, that I did not see on your list...
Is..... The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson
After your initial surge of reading, try to stay away from relationship books for a while. And focus on books that delve into YOUR behavior patterns that you want to change. Focus on those things.
I have seen over time, people that come to this site, and post with with great passion about the things written in the self help books. They can quote the quotes, and know all of the key phrases by heart. And while that is a good thing, and very helpful.... It doesn't say much about how much life experience that a person has, that comes with "living" through those things.
This can consume a person, and overtake any original thoughts about any said subject. You are trying to find you now, what you like, what you need, what you want. That shouldn't come from a book, or another person.....There comes a time, when you need to live, all of the information that you have taken in...
When one "owns" all of the new information that they have collected, then they become "real" and live genuine to their self.
Make sense ???
I dunno, let me explain it another way...
I have a neighbor, that wanted to start raising cattle. And I asked him if he had ever lived on a Farm, or raised cattle before. If he had ever been around then much.
He said that no, as a matter of fact, he had not, nor was he raised on a Farm. He then proceeded to tell me that he had read a plethora of books about cattle, and talked with others that raised cattle. And how that it wasn't a big deal, and he was planning on raising them, and he had purchased a couple Bulls too, and was going to be a full service cattle farmer.
I was raised in the country, and had been around cattle my whole life, doing chores for Aunts and Uncles, cousins and such, so my eyebrow raised a little when I wished him luck with that.
After a few months, cattle started appearing, and trailers hauling cattle were coming up and down his driveway daily. Things APPEARED to be good for him and his new found venture.
A few weeks later, I notice him limping down the drive toward my house, and while we had a little over-the-fence meeting, he raised his pant leg to show me the biggest, purple-est bruise I had ever seen, on his leg. And he proceeded to tell me about trying to herd his newly purchased Bull into a different corral. And how-apparantly-they are SLIGHTLY resistant to change. And about how hard that Bull kicked him.
My response to him, was...
They didn't have that in any of the books ?
Anyway....
That is why I am in favor of reading, learning, and then stepping back as you need to, to be able to really grasp what you are learning. Let it all wash over you, and let it become a part of you.
Intermix your reading with your GAL. Get out of the house and do stuff, try new things. That will help you greatly.
Thought stopping ?
Try putting a couple rubber bands around your wrists....
And every time you think about your sitch, snap them hard against your wrist...
After a while, the pain isn't worth it anymore....
Stop and take a deep breath, eat right, exercise, and take care of yourself.
Thanks Mach1. Tried rubber bands for quitting smoking, didn't work, but maybe they will help here! Can you give me a link to your stich? For some reason I cant find in in your post.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Ok, this is how messed up I am. Oldest daughter wants to apply to four colleges and one in is in the same city as OM that wife had an EA with. That is all I can see, not that the college may be a good one.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I have seen over time, people that come to this site, and post with with great passion about the things written in the self help books. They can quote the quotes, and know all of the key phrases by heart. And while that is a good thing, and very helpful.... It doesn't say much about how much life experience that a person has, that comes with "living" through those things.
Reminds me of 'bench scene' from Good Will Hunting
JP - sounds like you took a hard look at yourself which is good. Now take a minute and breathe. We sound similar that we can be very hard on ourselves. I doubt you're as bad as you think. Guessing you did the best you could at the time and you're now starting to see where you can improve. (BTW - my list and yours are pretty similar).
Hopefully you're already reading DR, if not start ASAP.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Can you give me a link to your stich? For some reason I cant find in in your post.
Sadly, I don't have any threads...
My story is in blended in with my posts, and I realize that it is hard to grasp by just those.
I can summarize it for you, and if you have questions, please feel free to ask....
I got bombed in the fall of '07, and I couldn't post due to restrictions at my work. I could however, read, and follow a lot of posters through their journey.
By the time I was in a place where I could post, I had already had contact with some of the older posters here, from the days when emails were allowed to be posted. One in particular that I thank daily for his patience and understanding...
So by the time I started posting, there wasn't much to post about daily, so I reached back to try and help others that were going through this.
I lived two and a half years with a live-in MLC girl.
I gave myself two years to heal, and I used those two years, not as a timeline, but as a buffer, and I wouldn't let myself make any major decisions about my future until those two years were up.
I was willing to trade two years of my life, for a chance at a fifty year anniversary with her....
And that if there was a one in a million chance, that somebody had to be the "one" in that equation....why not me ??
I completely burned every ounce of fuel I had, to make sure that I had zero regrets down the road.
I tried to take each day as it came to me, and learned to deal with the things that NEEDED to be dealt with, and not force the ones that could wait. I learned about personal boundaries, and how to enforce, and why I should enforce. On why they should exist.
I also learned what love meant to me, and learned about what being a good Father meant to me. I tried to let my actions speak for me instead of my words.
I worked on myself, and identified my triggers for being controlling, and manipulative, on abandonment issues, and co-dependency issues. I learned how those played a part in the demise of the marriage. I learned how to forgive. Not for her, but for me, and what forgiveness looks like to me, because it is different for each of us.
I learned how to honor my vows, regardless the outcome of my marriage. And that I was not defined by my left ring finger.
My marriage did not make it, and I went through the legal process three years ago, and it was hard fought and drawn out. I tried every day to do what was right, regardless what my personal feelings were. I tried to act with Dignity, Honor, and Grace throughout....
I'm not sure if that answers your questions, if not, just ask....
Ok, this is how messed up I am. Oldest daughter wants to apply to four colleges and one in is in the same city as OM that wife had an EA with. That is all I can see, not that the college may be a good one.
Can you give me a link to your stich? For some reason I cant find in in your post.
Sadly, I don't have any threads...
My story is in blended in with my posts, and I realize that it is hard to grasp by just those.
I can summarize it for you, and if you have questions, please feel free to ask....
I got bombed in the fall of '07, and I couldn't post due to restrictions at my work. I could however, read, and follow a lot of posters through their journey.
By the time I was in a place where I could post, I had already had contact with some of the older posters here, from the days when emails were allowed to be posted. One in particular that I thank daily for his patience and understanding...
So by the time I started posting, there wasn't much to post about daily, so I reached back to try and help others that were going through this.
I lived two and a half years with a live-in MLC girl.
I gave myself two years to heal, and I used those two years, not as a timeline, but as a buffer, and I wouldn't let myself make any major decisions about my future until those two years were up.
I was willing to trade two years of my life, for a chance at a fifty year anniversary with her....
And that if there was a one in a million chance, that somebody had to be the "one" in that equation....why not me ??
I completely burned every ounce of fuel I had, to make sure that I had zero regrets down the road.
I tried to take each day as it came to me, and learned to deal with the things that NEEDED to be dealt with, and not force the ones that could wait. I learned about personal boundaries, and how to enforce, and why I should enforce. On why they should exist.
I also learned what love meant to me, and learned about what being a good Father meant to me. I tried to let my actions speak for me instead of my words.
I worked on myself, and identified my triggers for being controlling, and manipulative, on abandonment issues, and co-dependency issues. I learned how those played a part in the demise of the marriage. I learned how to forgive. Not for her, but for me, and what forgiveness looks like to me, because it is different for each of us.
I learned how to honor my vows, regardless the outcome of my marriage. And that I was not defined by my left ring finger.
My marriage did not make it, and I went through the legal process three years ago, and it was hard fought and drawn out. I tried every day to do what was right, regardless what my personal feelings were. I tried to act with Dignity, Honor, and Grace throughout....
I'm not sure if that answers your questions, if not, just ask....
Thank you for the summary. I am hoping that IC will help me with me being emotionally abusive, as there are no books that I can find other than for the the emotionally abused. I applaud you for making a stand and setting a time line and boundaries. I cant imagine what you went through, I am sorry that it did not work out. I hope you are happy as a person now and think it is amazing that you are hear helping others like myself. It sounds as you defiantly have your dignity and that is huge!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Thank you for the summary. I am hoping that IC will help me with me being emotionally abusive, as there are no books that I can find other than for the the emotionally abused. I applaud you for making a stand and setting a time line and boundaries. I cant imagine what you went through, I am sorry that it did not work out. I hope you are happy as a person now and think it is amazing that you are hear helping others like myself. It sounds as you defiantly have your dignity and that is huge!
Thank you for your words....
I think as you dig deeper into what you may initially think is "emotionally abusive" , you MAY find that it is a pretty broad term, and one that gets thrown around pretty commonly in situations like these.
I think that what you may find, is that you have some things that you do not like about yourself, that causes you to act in certain ways, and in certain situations. And that being emotionally abusive is a side effect of what is lying deeper inside of you.
Identifying the "hows" of your so called abuse, may lead you in the right direction.
For instance, If I say something to you, and you get that little sting up the back of your neck, causing you to become angry. Is that my fault for mentioning it ? Your fault for taking it poorly? Or a trigger that sets of a certain behavior within you ???
It may stem from co-dependency, or abandonment, or because your pet unicorn got run over by a snowmobile when you were 6...
Whatever the reason, there is a reason. THAT is what you should be identifying as what you want to change....
Make sense ?
And just to clarify.....
My timeline had zero to do with her, and more to do with myself...
I wanted that time to figure me out first, so that I could make any decisions based on what I had learned.
I could make them rationally, and not emotionally, and from a place of love and compassion rather than a place of anger and hatred.....
I needed that time and space, the same as she did...
What I went through, was probably a drop in the bucket compared to what she went through. And after 15 years of marriage, it was my turn to carry the load for a while, regardless the outcome. I owed her that....
Ok, this is how messed up I am. Oldest daughter wants to apply to four colleges and one in is in the same city as OM that wife had an EA with. That is all I can see, not that the college may be a good one.
Well... obviously you do see it otherwise you wouldn't be pointing it out. That indicates an impulse control problem. Your issue isn't that you don't see it, your issue is controlling your emotions surrounding it. Different issue altogether.
You mention a lot that you are afraid. Can I ask what you are afraid of? Why don't you try writing them down. JP, I've been in this mess for 2 1/2 years. My H tried coming back a year ago. I finally relented 6 months ago. And I left him recently. You know what I realized? I've been letting fear drive the ship. I was afraid of being alone, afraid of being broke, afraid of having to move, afraid of finding another job, afraid of having to date... afraid of all kinds of things. I realized a few things:
1) It's ok to be afraid, move forward anyway 2) We tend to turn our fears into catastrophe 3) Our fears are based on very few facts 4) We are too often paralyzed by our fears 5) We become myopic in our vision when fear is driving us 6) Fear driving the ship ALWAYS makes a bad situation worse.
