Finally getting it after three months...

[jp787]

My list of book that I have bought or are on order:
*Co dependent no more
*How to improve your marriage without talking about it
*The happiness trap
*The 5 LL
*Change your life and everyone in it
*Forgiveness how to make peace with your past and get on with your life
*DB
*DR
*Boundaries in marriage
*Switch: how to change things when change is hard
*Hold me tight: seven conversations for a lifetime of love
*Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind
*Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow

So I have A LOT of reading to do.
Most are suggestions from people here (thank you so much!)

I have looked at myself and saw bad things. I think I can remember seeing some good once, but even that is clouded and tainted today.

Ok so here it goes, this is hard and embarrassing, but this is what I see:
I see a Man who has been emotionally abusive to his wife, for a long time. I see a man who is scared and makes himself feel better by making his wife feel bad about herself. I see a man who takes the easy route, is impulsive, has anger, is VERY selfish and self centered. I see a man who is in so much pain and has been since before he was twelve. I see a man who has addictions to porn (I dont engage, but know it is there and will always be there)and the ability to become addicted to about anything. I see a man who honestly loves his wife and daughters, yet fells he doenst deserve them because of all the bad he is. I see a man who must love living in self pity and wallow in sh!t. I see a man who feels stupid and can learn. I see a man who has been given three wonderful gifts and wasted them (W,D,D). I see a man who can't get it together to try to save himself or his marriage.

Ugh.. I have to stop for now.