25yearsmlc

[SM34]

I just came across this thread and had no idea it existed until now! Firstly, before I write my "part" I would like to personally thank 25 for ALL the help she has given me.

I have said this before multiple times, but I will say it again! I look forward to seeing your responses to my posts. when I see that signature RED font, I salivate at the information that might be contained in it. You are truely a wise person, and an asset to the community.

I saw the comments from people on how I may cause them some extreme frustration. I am sorry about that! I just want to focus on things that will improve my sitch, perhaps too much. I tend to put "better myself" as second place, and I am trying my best to move past that.

But I still think sometimes people have a habit of labeling your marriage as something much MUCH worse than it really was. When we come here, hurting and confused, we are asked to "spill the beans" on what issues our spouse gave us for wanting to leave. We oblige by providing a mammoth list of everything they ever complained about, and some they never complained about even.

But as the journey goes on, at least for me, I found that the more I read about self growth etc.. the more I realized it was actually W's habits and personality that was contributing more to our sitch than my issues.

The problem I found was that when the LBS suggetsts this on the forum, there is a barrage of "Well you told us all of these problems"... and when I say the DB coach thinks my W was simply pursued at a bad time for us, the responses are "has your DB coach read your posts? You told us all the problems she had with you". But those lists we all compile are often times when we are asked or told (and eventually convinced) that our marriage must have had severe problems if our spouse is leaving. So I think sometimes we are digging deep, TOO deep really. Our WAS did not actually dig as deep as that for reasons, they sometimes just want to leave, just because. Doesn't mean your marriage could not have been better...any marriage can be better...but sometimes people do things just because it makes sense to them at the time, and the reasons are not always clear or even logical.

My DB coach definitely said the use light touch. She even said if light touch keeps showing positives, we will move to heavier touch, more private touch. your wife wants to be pursued! We don't know what she meant by "You never faught for our marriage" but coupled with the lack of sexual pursual in our sitch, there is a good chance she meant you didn't try to pursue me when I told you about OM and he was pursuing me like something he WANTED.

I have no issues understanding plain English, and both myself and my DB coach are speaking plain English. I need help sometimes deciphering the garbage my wife says, becuase it is Affair talk and script, but there is no ambiguity in the words spoken to me by my DB coach.

But when a LBS newbie like me says that, we are told we are cherry picking. Even my DB coach warned me that this would happen. She said have them help you in better yourself, even have them help you understand what people in Affairs act the way they do. Look to them for comfort in knowing you are not the only one dealing with this. Listen to them when they tell you to ignore the negatives your Wife says or does. But let me do take care of the game play. When I ASKED if you guys could help me in the way my DB coach asked, I was told that I cannot pick and choose the help I get. It was either help with everything or nothing.

Somehow I think I am on moderation again now. I posted on my thread and I got a moderation message. So not sure how long it will take for this post to actually be available on here.

I want to re-iterate that I am not mad at people on here. You all offer an INVALUABLE service to those who come here hurt and confused. The comraderie gets us through another day of our living hell. But PLEASE, I have said this before....just try to be more understanding of the hurt involved. Try to remind people that it is not 100% their fault (because I like many others lost alot of sleep as a result of the guilt that was harvested by folks on this board).

And occasionally we need people like to just tell us your spouse is confused and isn't thinking straight, and that especially when affair chemistry is involved, they are not themselves right now. Sandi does an AWESOME point of this in EVERY post I have read. She cautions over and over that your affair driven spouse is sick, not able to make rational decisions, etc. GH31 also was instrmental in getting me to realize that sometimes my W will do crazy things, and say hurtful comments, because she is on a mind f%ck right now. It doesn't mean we shouldn't also be reminded of GaLing and 180s and all the other parts of DB, but I feel these issues should be addressed more than they are on this board.

Thank you all for the help you have given me. Sorry to cause a big debate on the role of vets on the board. I think you are all doing a fabulous job, but I feel if you went back and read some of your older posts from 2009 and 2010, you will see what I mean. Those posts are full of reassurances that your spouse is DAMAGED when compared to the modern post which focuses almost entirely on the short comings of the LBS.

I balanced approach might be more effective with most newbies, at least I know it would be with me. I am willing and wanting to better myself, but I don't want to take all the blame for my Wife affair, because it simply was NOT all my fault.