Words used have such a powerful meaning to how I view the things I do. Obviously the ones used in conversations and on boards are talked about on almost every thread so no need to discuss those here. I'm talking more the labels we put on our actions. A friend spent over 2 hours on phone with me last night (thanks Craig!!!) and this is one of topics we spent some time on.
For example: I have no doubts what I'm currently doing at this time (pulling back from W) is the correct thing for me, and my kids. I feel I'm doing it in as loving a way as I can and my morals are good and centered (to protect mine and my kids feelings over what is a very real future for us). I won't lie, it's a very hard thing for me and the path of least resistance would be to just keep acting like friends right up to D. I know that will likely just lead to more hurt. My W has never experienced or really felt that she might lose me no matter what she's done in the past. Anyway, back to topic...this last week something still wasn't sitting well with me over what I was doing. I couldn't figure it out because like I said I truly believe in it. Come to figure out it was just the label of going dim/ dark. It feels so negative to me. Just by changing it to "backing in to reality" made it feel better.
Might just be me and none of you (besides Craig) have any idea what I'm rambling about. Other 'normal' board sayings that feel negative to me that I will try to stop using:
•Become a better man: Implies I wasn't a good man before. I like "Becoming a man that makes better decisions" •Be man only a fool would leave: Implies any S that leaves is a fool rather than just someone that made some bad decisions •Doormat: Negative word used way too much. Only a doormat if you get walked all over. I equated it to doing too much for someone even though I really did want to do the things and felt at time it was right thing to do. In my case I was more an enabler •But: Word used to set up an excuse most the time. I'm also a little afraid of Cat...
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I hear you on the Dim/dark, thing. I am pulling back, giving space. I was concerned to do it at first because I saw it as a negative and more of the same, since on of my H's problems was that I was too busy with the kids and life to give him attention. Even now, if I answer the phone and the kids interupt and I deal with them, he gets mad. But, he gets mad if I don't pick up the phone either. So...yea, I don't worry about that.
I am going to Back into reality, myself. We are separated. So, friendly. Kind. Give compliements. Leave first. Don't ask him to do things. Etc.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
2 hours, huh? Lucky you, Spartan. Really. He is very special and has helped me so much.
I like your list. I've been around here for several years and I have not once used those phrases.
I prefer to say become the person you were meant to be. Someone strong and compassionate with dignity and courage. Those are the things that are attractive.
And ayep, you should be a little afraid of Cat. She can get you with a few choice words and you dont see them coming. LOL!
You are in very good hands, BUT, I think you know that already.
Kind of an up and down weekend to be honest (mostly all in my head, even keel and detached with the W for most part and had great time with kids as always).
Friday - W worked midnights so kids and I hung out, played, watched some Duck Dynasty (S4 started morphing into Uncle Si ). Lot of fun!
Saturday - W says she'll bring donuts home for kids before I take kids to D7's gymnastics. She's late, I call her to find this out (not sure why she never feels need to let us know when she's late, she was in the car driving...). I end up taking kids to quick breakfast. Stay cool about it and don't bring it up again even though I hate when she does this to kids. D7 asked me "Why does mom always say she's going to do something then doesn't"... After we get home W says something about her stuff being a mess and she needs to clean it before realtor. I ask when realtor is coming since she's been saying it for 2 months. She raises voice but no fight escalates. I should have just kept my mouth shut about realtor and her crap being everywhere; it's a mess though. Kids are better organized than she is anymore. We both play with kids most rest of afternoon.
Saturday night - Take kids to Monster Truck Jam (it was a lot of fun, you'd think my little Justice wearing princess was actually a full blown hillbilly with all the fist pumping and yelling she was doing . S4 hung out taking it all in and asking lots of questions, wants to go back this weekend). Only negative of night was on drive there I looked over at passenger seat and W (obviously) isn't there. This is something entire family would usually do and first event in the "new family" experience. I won't lie, it got in my head to point where a tear actually streamed down the cheek. Thankfully kids didn't see (love DVD in the car). For whatever reason I felt overwhelming sadness that this was really happening and a little guilt for not inviting her. Again I know I'm doing it for right reason but it doesn't mean I have to like doing it or that it will be easy. Overall night was a blast but there were about 10 minutes there that really $ucked. No matter how far I feel like I've come there is always more work to do. Think main thing I need is more time.
Sunday - Uneventful, went to church and all hung out. Kept conversation with W to a minimum.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Hang in there. Your sitch reminds me so much of my own...I wish I was further along so I could help more.
I will say, the donut deal is an awful lot like an example I gave once about my W missing S13's baseball game. I got so bent out of shape about it, and it was a "normal" response from W....she was always late or missed. Same thing with coming home, late, no communication, nada....she would be in charge of dinner and not come home til 8 or 9. And it always pissed me off.
I don't remember the exact words Mach1 used, but I think the net of it was, "start enjoying this time with the kids and stop worrying about what W is doing or not doing. You can't control her." I simply stopped expecting anything from her, because her track record was awful, and I actually got a lot happier.
These days, W is actually pretty good about communicating and coming home on time, but I still plan on doing it alone just in case. If I say "W, I need you home tonight because I have plans" I still either make dinner, or make sure there is a backup plan just in case W goes rogue again.
Another thing to think about...your comment about the realtor. Do you think that comes from being hurt or angry or something else? Have you thought thru that? Once you understand the basis of it, I think it will help you not do it in the future.
). Lot of fun!