ya know dawn- i'm thinking here. have pretty much deleted whatever i've written in last couple days-
I think i want to9 say it and get it out of my brain onto "paper" - but then even i have to admit- just more of the same.
at a funny place- hanging in here in this life- presumably til i have a job and means of support. there's still that stinking emotional attachment somewhere down deep - waaay deep. can't define it - not sure if i can still call it "love" - just soooooo many years i guess - they were such a big big part of our lives - can't blink an eye and make it all gone & meaningless. can't keep it- can't throw it away - sos huh? just look in my giant closet ....
pretty calm- feel angst about his test results - feel badly for his dad - dread going back to nj and my mother being all expectant and petulent and thinking i'm her "personal secretary".
this a.m. gotta lotta ennui . talk about "floating" -
i am very darn tired of being "marginal" in his life and the bad way it makes me feel - the non-communication & what? indifference. if it even is- objectivity lost totally - honestly.
oh well- just erased all rest- guess it is just my life at this moment & these times; to hunker down - remain silent- remain neutral- wonder what it does to me . one day i acknowledge the huge effort & "work" put into this db endeavor. (or even the progress) but then what does it all mean? - the next i think i'm a fool to waste my time & life. (tho, as usual- nothing better going on in the MOST CRUCIAL area - mate wise). that's my whole problem isn't it? i'm one of the animals that mates for life - hooked up with one that isn't.???
oh well- i'm outta here- before i rant or whatever- lots to list on ebay- suddenly interested in "working" a bit more here- going with it- always can use some more $$ - pay those darn health insurance premiums rite???
hope your day is good- nothing new here as usual- your life sounds calm at the moment as well- yay for that huh?
