Now the most recent development......guess who is back in the other room tonight to sleep? Yep the W. after being back in our bed for the past several nights. We have sex last night and now she is back in other room. Go figure.
So she just now comes in our room softly crying and says " I am sorry that I am hurting you".
I can't remember if I've posted this in your thread already, but this is something Accuray posted a while back and it's something we should all read regularly:
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Another thing to expect is that your wife will run "hot and cold" -- she'll be nice to you one minute and the next will shut down hard. This is extremely confusing. Here's what's going on -- your wife will "try on" being nice to you to see how it feels, or if she gets comfortable may slide back into a familiar partner role. At some point she'll catch herself, will worry that you'll get the impression that everything is now "okay" when for her it is not, and will then make sure to demonstrate to you that everything is NOT okay by shutting you out and pushing you away. That's all an inner dialog so to you it just looks completely confusing. If you expect it, you'll enjoy when she warms up and won't worry too much when she goes cold.
It's tempting to get into a mode of catastrophic thinking -- that each time your wife goes cold you worry it will stay like that forever, or "oh boy, this is it, she's gone!" That leads you to panic and overreact. This is a roller coaster, and there will be very dramatic highs and lows. The best thing you can do is try to stay near an emotional baseline. If the WAS bounces between 10 feet up and 10 feet down, the LBS tends to go 25 feet up and 25 feet down in response. Your goal is to go 5 feet up and 5 feet down instead. Take the long term view. Easy to say, hard to do, but if you know what to expect things get easier.
If you understand that the way your W is behaving is actually pretty normal for a WAS, then it gets easier for you to live with the highs and lows. And also if you know the lows are coming and you EXPECT them, then they don't affect you as severely.
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I told her that I know that she is hurting too and I am sorry that she is hurting. I told her I just want her to be happy. That I don't want M to end but if that is what is going to make her happy then maybe that is where we are heading.
