Major backslide

[Accuray]

Welcome back Hurt84, sorry you are here! From my perspective, you were in an unsustainable situation, so this was more or less inevitable.

If she started talking to OM again, then she wasn't fully committed. The fact that you were snooping means that she was giving you reason to doubt, and while you have reason to doubt, you can't be "confident in the relationship". If you're not confident, your insecurity will show itself, and that is an attraction killer for women.

It's a big negatively reinforcing cycle. You're not confident, that makes you less attractive, because you're less attractive to her you have less reason to be confident, and around you go.

I'm sure she hasn't been meeting your needs in this context, so you've probably been "married for two" while she's been a "let's see how it goes" passenger. When you fear that any misstep will lead to a move-out, you can't really live. That's no way to be.

She's not acting like a married person, she's not committed to marriage. You need to make some boundaries, and you need to commit to them. For instance, all contact with the OM must be over now and forever. If she violates that boundary, it should be YOU telling her to pack her things and get out.

Rather than being apologetic in this situation, I would spend some time thinking about what you *need* to feel confident and I would express them in terms of boundaries. I would then *encourage* W to stay at her mother's house or anywhere else she wants until she's ready to respect your boundaries.

That would be a 180 right? Don't let her back in until she's ready to step up. She may not come back, but you need to be okay with that. Only when you get *there* will you be in a place to regain your power in the relationship and come into it as an equal. If you're in a perpetual "one down" or "less than" position, it can't last.

I'm very sorry you're here again, and I'm very sorry you're feeling badly. I agree with 2chiquitos that your W came back before she was ready and maybe for the wrong reasons. Let her have her time and focus on you. The *best* thing you can do right now is to offer some tough love and tell her she's not coming back until she writes a letter or e-mail to OM that she shares with you, explaining that all contact must cease now and forever for the good of her marriage. You're not making her write that, that's just the price of admission to be in a relationship with you.

Accuray