Looking for a little advice and support

[Grizz]

The mind reading really gets me into trouble. I do it All of the time. It kills me. I always think the worst when it comes to my sitch. This gets me in a bad mood and I know at times W can sense this. I think I may post on my thread a request to anyone who has time to occasionally reply on my thread " hey Grizz, PMA, that is all" Hang in there cbtdad.

[cbtdad]

Hey Grizz, lets both keep PMA's!
😃

[Grizz]

I agree.
What's 128515?

[25yearsmlc]

You are correct about not being able to bring up depression. I made that mistake early on. Only after 1 month prior her saying that she was either stressed or depressed as the reason for her distancing. But when I asked larer on and eluded to depression she got really angry and said "I am NOT depressed, I am unhappy in this marriage!" Best to stear clear of talking with her about this. It doesn't seem to go well.

It's very hard to point out a depression to someone IF they're also not happy in the relationship. And if they think they are unhappy, they are unhappy.

Incidentally, when I went on ADs' the first time, my doctor mentioned something positive about them and how they'd "likely be quite temporary" and I asked him how he knew that. (I was desparate to hear how fast I'd feel better).

He said, "well almost 90% of married women who take anti-depressants have h's who they consider critical or judgemental or angry, and you're here b/c your dad died and you say your h was supportive.."

And in truth, h was a pillar when my father got sick and died. It was not a long period of time but it counted a lot to me.

But that's the rub about ADs and h's who suggest their w's have a "problem in their heads/hormones". Not only does it BLAME the wife for the issues but it completely stops the h's from looking within to work on the only person they actually can control.

..know what I"m saying?

[25yearsmlc]

Little advice?
A couple of weeks ago i told the W I wanted to do a Sunday family dinner at her moms each Sunday for he stability of our 3 year old.

if THAT^^ is the real reason, then your w's presence is not mandatory. You can provide stability by having the routine of Sunday dinner at Grandparents.

But I think what you are really saying is that you want to force your w to interact with you. And it did not work.


Tonight was the 2nd week in a row we have done it. Well this afternoon he pretty much just stayed in her bedroom the whole time. I mean the reason I suggested his was so our son could see us together,[b] but if she's gonna just stay in her bedroom the whole time what's the point.[/b]

well you SAID it was to provide stability for your son, which I assume means time once per week with you at his grandparents...but if the real reason is to force "you two together" then admit that and see it for what it is.

It's manipulative. She wants space from you. You refuse to give it. You talk about her to her parents to get them to ally with you and all of you are pressuring her. How's that approach going for you?


I am thinking I should just tell her not to worry about it. I didn't even tell her goodbye when I left.
What's y'all's opinion?

Back off and be the best father you can be. Your son needs you now more than ever.

If your wife succumbs more to her depression AND does not get help, get your son more. But you've given it far too little time and imo,

you are not being fair. And saying "I texted her to say where I was staying out all night and with whom...I did not cheat on her" is sort of unreasonable.

I mean, 99% of women would NOT believe their h's were not cheating when they were spending a few nights a week OUT all night at OWs house.

She may even believe that if you did not cheat it was only b/c of physical impairment (drinking too much ) but that you wanted to cheat

and or that you did cheat. I don't think her acting depressed and neglectful is healthy or morally great.

But your past behavior wasn't just a few months, like her present behavior. So it puts you in a lousy position to judge or comment. Which means you need to detach and GAL and be a great dad.

Those are things you ought to do for YOU, and for your son AND even though getting your w back is not the goal of GAL, it happens in greatly increase the chances of it.

So does being a great dad, and detaching will give her the space to stop and THINK and examine her choices.

Remember, when you challenge those choices, and question her and demand changes

you force her to defend the choices more...and to solidify them.

Don't do that. Don't fuel her negative images and for gosh's sake, keep working on YOU.

Your sobriety, if it has been achieved, is of recent origin. You can't tell her about the stick in her eye when you barely removed the plank in yours.

I don't mean this to be a 2 x 4 so much as a BE A LOT MORE PATIENT...and when you think you have maxed out on your patience...

then times it by 10...okay?

Hang in there. 6 years ago I'd have given my m a 10% chance of making it...

Don't lose hope so fast. In the big picture, this time of your w's is not that long,

Compared to a 50 year marriage...

[cbtdad]

Very true 25. Patience is something that I am working on and practicing big time.
The point of Sunday night dinner is TRULY for our son. Has nothing to do with be around W more. Quite frankly I'd like to be around W less. But she even noticed that he is happier and laughs more when we are together which is why she agreed to it. That was my point 25, I don't have to do it over there. I could take and spend time with my son whenever I want. I was doing that to make it easier on her, but if she isn't going to participate then I'd rather just pick him up and take him out or to my apartment.
I agree with Grizz and going to give it another shot or 2. If she continues to just stay in her bedroom and not participate then I will ask her if she would like to take a break on doing it

[cbtdad]

Time at MIL doesn't matter. I'm over there all the time to see him. I am enjoying the quality time so much with him now. It is bittersweet I will admit, because even though its been awesome with him. I do wish it was us doing it together.
I do not talk to in laws about her. As a matter of fact I have asked them to keep stuff to themselves. I've old them, I don't want her to feel like she is being ganged up on.

[cbtdad]

25 or anyone who wants to chime in.
I am trying so hard not to have any contact with W. but at the same time I'm wanting to see S a lot as well. I am having a hard time completely detaching. How do I go about detaching and being nice or cordial to W at the same time?

[25yearsmlc]

this will come easier when you see it as Lovingly detaching. Here is a piece on it that's short. But there are a lot of articles on detachment around this site.

BUT FIRST, though your goal sounds laudable (makes son happy to see you two together) it still IS a forced interaction. Probably not what she wanted and I would not place a lot of value on her "agreeing" to it.

It's darn Hard to say "no, I don't want to see you AND son together at my parents house for dinner". It's still pressure and if she wanted to do it she would not have had to 'agree to it"; she'd have been doing it or suggesting it. When it's all said & done, it's a forced relationship she's not interested in now. At this moment, she is not sure she wants to be m to you at all, correct? If you want to do it again, fine.

Otherwise say, "w, looks like you aren't up for it now so S & I are going to go GAL. Let me know if you do feel like it sometime....see ya!" Or whatever Grzz said that felt authentic to you.

Here's the piece on Detachment.


This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.

We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back."

It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

[cbtdad]

It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."

Thanks 25!! That is what I need to continue to work on and remember.
It's the one thing that I need to bang into my head. I can't control what she does, think, respond, etc..
Patience, patience, patience
Continue to work on me and continue to move in a positive forward motion.
I have no idea or control on what the outcome will be!!