Looking for a little advice and support

[azguy]

I was in a similar position with my W a couple years ago. She seemed depressed and unhappy. If she threatened to leave, I would follow that up later by saying I was as well. This does not lead anywhere good.

I'd encourage you to reflect on whether you really want to be in this marriage. If so, commit to not allowing yourself to say or indicate otherwise to the W.

I see a lot of effort on your part to tell her what she is doing wrong (she should go with MIL, not sleep so much). Can you see the situation from her perspective? Can you show her you are trying to be supportive of her, as she goes through this rough time?

You are pinning a lot of hopes on RetroV, and if I had to guess, your disappointment if this does not work out, will lead to further strains on your M.

Start working on you. Maybe you could focus on saying only positive supportive things to your W. Resolve to build her up, not criticize her. Empathize with her.

[cbtdad]

Thanks 25!
Yeah, I have definitely been GALing. I have too. She has even commented that, "at first I thought these changes were for me. Now I can see you are doing them for you"
There is no question I am becoming a better person with or without her. I am changing because of her, not for her.
I live at an apartment, so no I am not having to check in with her an things like that. But I have not been dating or hanging around OW or staying out late enough to be staying at anyone's house.
I am still alive, not dead. Lol
So I do go out with friends. Working out. A lot of church and reading.
But I now realize what's most important. Like I said I was so selfish. Not only to W, but also to S. I am spending a lot of quality time with him. And enjoying it so much.
My biggest problem I have right now is that I am not sure i want to be with W anymore. She is just so different than the person I married and loved.
But I don't want to bring these faults of mine into another relationship or into a possible reconciliation so I am doing my best to become a better all around person

[cbtdad]

Thanks azguy!
I know what you mean. It's so frustrating to see her like this and not be able to help. I need to focus on what she is doing right, not wrong.
Yes. No doubt I was pinning a lot of hope on RetroV. Now not even sure if we are going to make it or not to that in a few weeks. And if we don't that's ok. Cause I have definitely tempered those expectations. I just figured it can't make third worse, but I'm not expecting a miracle cure

[cbtdad]

This text exchange just happened as I was replying to y'all's post.
Please give me y'all's opinion of how I handled it.

W: does he want to chat?

M: He's ok. Just call him to tell him night later on.
Sorry for waking you up

W: No. I just wish a had a moment to wake up so I could have seen him

M: Maybe I should have waited longer for you to wake up. It's all good. I apologize, i do forget sometimes that this is really tough emotionally for you as well

[25yearsmlc]

Had to vent!!

Venting is good for ONE thing...releasing anger. If it ends up making you re-hash your grievance list,

and get mad all over again or feel more "right" about you and more "wrong" about the spouse, then venting is NOT helping.

It's leading to more "stinkin' thinkin'". I know I cannot read my old journals and feel good at all. I get mad all over again. So make sure the venting helps, and isn't hurting. If so, then vent away HERE!

Sorry for the length of this post but I incorporated your words to help clarify my response.



So I took MIL to a meeting today to meeting that she didn't want to go to by herself because her brother would be there! That's a long story.
Anyways when I go to drop her off this afternoon I see W car there. So I go inside and she is in room sleeping at 230 as usual. I asked her if she would like to see S before I go back to apartment. She says no!!
Who is this woman?!?!

She's a depressed woman, that's who she is. I recognize it as what I did after my father died. That was grief. I saw a shrink and got on some Anti-depressants and worked through my grief...about 6 months later things were better. Not "Fine" but I was functioning.

A few years later, we moved to Alaska (3 year assignment) and the length of dark hours per day really got to me. I was not "in grief"

but I was feeling as if a depression was coming. I felt pretty much like hybernating.

But the only family I had there, was h and our kids, including a newborn. You can't ignore a newborn.

Thank GOD she was an easy happy baby. Nothing cheers you up like when an infant seems honestly THRILLED to see you in the morning. So, there but for the Grace of God, go I.

So basically, I dragged myself out of bed and get through the day. That was the first winter.

When the 2nd winter came I KNEW things had to change b/c I knew what was coming. I knew it would not look normal til March (daylight wise) and I could not hybernate from October til then. (I knew some women who did. I knew the average military spouse gained 15lbs per year there...which I did not want to do.)

SO I GOT A LIFE like nobody knows how. Its the hardest I've worked just to feel alright. But I knew I had to do something physical and something social and something spiritual/emotional.

The more YOU GAL the more you are interesting as a person. Also, you'll be modelling for your wife, ways for her to snap out of things. She needs help but all you can do is support her efforts. (If you want suggestions for GAL, tell me b/c I have a long list).

Sometimes you support by SHOWING her how to do something without telling her.

I'd suggest also doing what my DB coach told me to do it and it's hard but it DOES help.

The DB coach said to:

"Applaud loudly for the 1% of things she does that are positive."

If she's depressed, then she does not feel good about herself so telling her "TO DO" something/anything, comes off as criticism, which it actually is a form of.

Positive reinforcement is more effective than negative. Period.

I'm not sure how YOU can get her to a doctor but maybe her mom/dad can. ??

If all this behavior is out of character, she ought to be examined for a physical cause.

Maybe use the "stress" of her horse being lame or the marriage in trouble or "hormones" or a genetice concern or whatever reason your MIL/FIL think would be least offensive/most effective with your w. SHe needs a physical exam and possibly a shrink.

I would not be the one to do it, if i were you, unless her r's with her parents stink. Even then...

As horrible as it sounds, 20% of brain tumor patients present with psychiatric symptoms. NO I do not think she has a brain tumor!

But my late BIL did. He was only 32 when he began to acting very goofy, and laughing too hard/too often and then getting SUPER quiet. This went on for maybe 2-3 months with normal periods in between. Then he'd tell an off color joke that was SO out of character for him. HE was a quiet British guy and suddenly acted like an American teenager from "Grease".

Then he had a seizure, and you can figure out the rest.

My point is simply that, our body affects our behavior just as our behaviors affect our bodies. We always have to check them both out.

Make sense?

So what CAN YOU DO about all this, NOW?

Instead of saying what you CANNOT do, like "can't take my w to the doctor", b/c apparently that's not an option (right?)


You can GAL. It's for you. However it also models it for your w IN CASE she wonders who to get out of her slump. And at some level, I bet she does.


Seriously, I just don't get it. I'm beginning to feel so much pain for my 3 year old son. And there is no question with each moment like this I am coming to grips with not wanting this M anymore either.

How long do you think your wife felt this very same way about you, BEFORE she began to withdraw?

How do you think her nights alone were? You know the nights you spent an another woman's house after drinking too much?

And did you even call her those nights? Gosh, wait...I'm not sure if that was better come to think of it what would you say, "W, I'm staying out all night again...sleeping over at a woman's house...NOT seeing son or you..."

So I guess you did NOT call her those nights...and how long was that?

ask yourself these questions, for now.

Have you given her HALF that time? I'm not judging. I'm asking.

IF your past behavior defined you, then would she be right to divorce you?

[cbtdad]

Thanks for the awesome feedback 25!
Wow, that was definitely a tough situation you went through.
I'm sorry you had to go through that, but what a great example of strapping it up and getting out there.
First, the depression. If you ask her, she would tell you she is fine and she is actually happy. Of course those who know her best all agree that that is not the case. I definitely can't be the one right now to talk to her about these problems. Her mom and dad have both tried and she won't listen to anyone. We all agre it's not the horse that is the problem. We think she is causing the horses to go lame. This will be her 6th horse and all have had the same problem. She was in a major car accident when she was 14 and her dad has wondered what that has done. He seems to think she transfers that fear to the horse.
I am learning to have empathy for sure and to focus on the things she is doing right and not wrong. I know for sure that I have had a part in this. One of the biggest problems if not the biggest was my anger and verbal abuse. Which I am currently seeing a counselor about an working on. I did call every night to tell my son goodnight even when I was out. I would text we and let her know if I was staying out an where I was staying. I never cheated or had an affair. That's he reason I starts making changes in November because I realized I was driving a dagger into our marriage.
I deintely have not given her enough time ad she certainly would have ever right to divorce me and not give me a chance.
It takes two and he definitely ha some fault in getting to this point, but I would take 70% of the blame an not say its 50/50

[Grizz]

You are correct about not being able to bring up depression. I made that mistake early on. Only after 1 month prior her saying that she was either stressed or depressed as the reason for her distancing. But when I asked larer on and eluded to depression she got really angry and said "I am NOT depressed, I am unhappy in this marriage!" Best to stear clear of talking with her about this. It doesn't seem to go well.

[cbtdad]

Little advice?
A couple of weeks ago i told the W I wanted to do a Sunday family dinner at her moms each Sunday for he stability of our 3 year old. Tonight was the 2nd week in a row we have done it. Well this afternoon he pretty much just stayed in her bedroom the whole time. I mean the reason I suggested his was so our son could see us together, but if she's gonna just stay in her bedroom the whole time what's the point. I am thinking I should just tell her not to worry about it. I didn't even tell her goodbye when I left.
What's y'all's opinion?

[Grizz]

I guess my thought would be that if this is something that you really want to do and W initially agreed to it, then I would not scrap it this soon. I would give it at least one more try before saying anything. When/if you do bring it up, do it calmly and don't come off as the a-hole H. She is just looking for things to reinforce her decisions. Maybe something like," I can see you aren't really ready for this. Lets give it a break and maybe address it again in a few weeks". Try to keep the peace. Good luck.

[cbtdad]

Thanks Grizz. I think it's especially important that I keep calm.
I really do feel at times that she is doing some things to test me and see if I am actually working on my anger and vebal abuse. But then again that is mind reading and I've learned that is an awful thing to do