Grr, you stop those thoughts right now. You could not have done anything. This is not your fault.
You could have been the most perfect wife in every way. It would not have mattered. Why? Because he is broken. Of course, he said it wasnt fast enough or good enough. It never would have been. He was already on his way into the tunnel.
Listen, you cannot continue to beat yourself up like this. It serves no purpose except to weigh you down and sap your energy.
Energy better spent on you and your child.
I dont know why you are afraid to ask for more money. This is your child's needs you are talking about.
I think you are going through the phases of grief. But you are stuck at the first two phases - shock and denial, and pain and guilt.
You need to get through these in order to come out the other side.
The next phase is anger. I think you might need to feel some of that. It is ok to feel it, then when you are ready, let it wash over you. You can use it to propel you forward.
You can do this, Grr. You have to start believing that there was nothing else you could have done. You did the best you could with the knowledge and tools you had at the time.
