Less lonely, not scared..low on patience

[AJM]

J, you may very well be right that she'll figure it out later. But she may not. You might have at one time been surprised to see how the thinking goes and how devoid of logic (as we know it) there really is. It's really all about emotions and coping with them. For somebody that has not yet learned to deal with emotions in a constructive way, that's a daunting task.

She's obviously conflicted right now. She wants to be "free" but knows she may later regret what she is doing. She's afraid of the future but going forward anyway. Regardless what she tells herself, this is her choice.

I can recall thinking the same of my ex. She acted like she didn't want to hurt me, but couldn't help it at the same time. Later, she turned to anger (her go-to emotion) to deal with it. She's still using anger, and is aiming it me. Presumably so she doesn't aim it elsewhere. i.e. where it belongs. 5 years later and she's using the same tool to cope. When she left, she wanted to be friends (not sure what she had in mind after lying and cheating and the anger, but it wasn't on my agenda I assure you.) But the anger and craziness was always there under the surface. She took my pain as a reason to leave. She didn't deal with the guilt well. What she didn't realize is that my pain was for her and my kids, not the loss of the marriage or the lies and betrayal. I've been lied to before I also realized it really wasn't about me early on. If it was, we'd still be married or at least friendly by now. She is not.

The hardest part coming is that one day, she'll have to deal with this. It won't be at a time of her choosing. It will be difficult to say the least. You may be long gone by then. But no matter how you slice it, you'll be done long before she is, J. That's a tough road for her. A lonely road.

But it's a road she has embarked on and must finish. There is nothing you can do but heal and be compassionate without being too friendly or hurting yourself. Fine line.

It'll get crazier from here, J. I know you can't see that right now, but if you really think about it objectively, you need to get away from the blast zone as quickly as you can. Let her grow and learn what she needs to learn. But do it from a great distance if you can.

As for the divorce, helping her with it is one thing. I see no reason you should educate her on it. She'll use that against her later saying you manipulated her. Kind of like teaching somebody to play cards. They always suspect you cheated "somehow" to take advantage. Let her follow your lead, but I don't see why or how you could help her other than making the calls etc.

Last thought. By doing what you're doing and furthering the divorce, you are becoming the leaver, vs. the lbs. That won't become apparent until much later in the thinking. That's not a bad thing, J. It will play out later in a different way than you might expect.

Keep the objectivity in your actions. Watch out for your best interests and structure the divorce in a way that doesn't keep you on the hook for ever. This is not about being nice or helpful, but rather just business. I strongly suggest you get the advice of a lawyer before finalizing.

Peace,
AJ