Life with a Cake Eater

[mizjjd]

Howdy all.

H has been sick with a cold/flu this week. I firmly believe that there needs to be a law that wives of sick hubbies get 2 paid days off work for every 1 that the hubby is sick - and that at least 1 of those days is a free full treatment spa day.

But rest assured, he wasn't so sick he couldn't head up for his weekly gambling trip. (I know I was sure worried he might miss that - eye roll here-)

While he was sick wasn't he ever so snuggly in the bed? And asked "Why don't you snuggle me???" (I didn't say "Because it takes all my energy to wait on you hand and foot while NOT SMACKING YOU SILLY" and I feel I should get points for my restraint.)

I have the feeling of late that H is actually a bit embarrassed that he said some of the jackassey things that have come out of his mouth. But of course, there's no apology coming out of that mouth - heaven forbid. But he's been saying things alluding to "our" future, such as the cruise "for the family, but probably not for a year or two" and changes he'd make to the house if he could "because our family is evolving".

I haven't responded to anything he's said in this vein - simply opened the MLC storage closet a crack and tossed the comments in on top of everything else.

I'm posting in purple because, well, I like purple. Lol. And I'm actually feeling fairly happy these days. Oh, I still want to do minor violence to H and really don't see a future for us. And D18 is still a gigantic worry and concern (home the first time in days. Still no job.)

But I'm feeling better about "moi" Probably a lot of this due to my job Wow is it GREAT to have a job I like!! Honestly, I think this is the first job in my whole life that I've really truly liked.

I also found a website devoted to personality disorders, and while I'm certainly not a doctor (nor do I play one on TV >showing my age there lol< ) I feel strongly that H displays at least some traits of the narcissistic personality. Don't know if this is right or wrong, but it seems likely. And it helps me to take things less personally.

So! Off to my weekend job which I truly don't like, lol. (Can't have everything )

Cheers

[job]

I'm very proud of you! You sound so much stronger and happier these days. I'm glad you have at least one job you are happy with. It makes a big difference in your life when you can escape from the home and do something different and meet others along the way.

As for personality traits, many of the mlcers display the narcissistic personality because they become so selfish and self-absorbed during the crisis.

BTW, I love purple too!

Have a great weekend.

[uRworthy]

Good for you, M. I love purple, too. And yes, men being sick, a nightmare.

You sound great. I am so happy for you. Can I ask what the job is that you love?

I love the description of the MLC closet. LOL!

No one knows what the future holds. Only that you get to decide what to do with it.

[BeingMe]

Love the MLC cupboard. I'm sure all of us have those to store the weird things our MLCers say and do. You sound so positive, and can I say, happy? Or, is it the job that bringing out the joy? I'm so glad for you.

I love purple too.

[BeingMe]

PS ... There are times I wish I could smack my H silly too, but that would be against the law, so one could just leave them there while they're sick and do the bare minimum. It's what my H would do for me when I'm sick ... the absolute least, and often nothing at all. Thank goodness for great kids. That's the one thing I wondered ... why are you "waiting on him hand and foot"? I bet you're not going to get any brownie points for nursing him, and more than likely he'll forget it the moment he's better.

[mizjjd]

Still purple!!

I'm very proud of you!

Mizj >>beams<< and >>basks<<

As for personality traits, many of the mlcers display the narcissistic personality because they become so selfish and self-absorbed during the crisis.

I agree that MLC= Narcissism in many ways. The reason for suspecting "more" than just MLC (like that isn't enough all by itself lol) in my H's case is his life pattern - behaviors displayed for the last 20 years of our lives plus what I know about his life prior to me. For many on this board, the MLCer has done a 180 from nice to unbearable. My H did that about 18 years ago. So either he's having an MLC of record length or there's other stuff going on.

I wouldn't say he's hard core full blown narcissistic, but the traits seem, to my untrained eye, to be there.

This somewhat addresses the question posed by Being Me

That's the one thing I wondered ... why are you "waiting on him hand and foot"? I bet you're not going to get any brownie points for nursing him, and more than likely he'll forget it the moment he's better.

The hand and foot thing has been our marriage for nearly 20 years. If H notices, he doesn't say anything. He doesn't reciprocate - never has. I don't even expect him to anymore. (The zero expectations policy is very easy for me - cause I've had lots of practice )

From Joanna M. Ashmun

There is only one way to please a narcissist (and it won't please you): that is to indulge their every whim, cater to their tiniest impulses, bend to their views on every little thing. and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not expect them to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or even in why you're bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings, do not expect them to take ordinary responsibility in any way. Once they know you are emotionally attached to them, they expect to be able to use you like an appliance and shove you around like a piece of furniture. If you object, then they'll say that obviously you don't really love them or else you'd let them do whatever they want with you.


Now as I understand it, an extreme narcissist is like the above 24/7 without even a moment of "humanity". My H is not without glimpses of depth, warmth, consideration etc. But they are "glimpses", fleeting and as common as unicorns. (Well, ok, more common than unicorns )

Do let me state unequivocally that my H has NEVER EVER been physically abusive to me. So while I might be "furniture" to him, I am not actually "shoved".

IF we are to continue living together, the hand and foot stuff pretty much has to also continue. Or H will get NASTY. He's set his heels in (for now) and while I'm better off financially now than 6 months ago, I still can't afford to leave. And I want the house - to be quite frank and bold about it.

I expect him to leave. (OK, so I do have SOME expectations!)

Whether its for the gf or for his parents or for whatever whim strikes him, I expect him to leave.

Or, I expect that I will finally get enough funds together (my job MIGHT go full time!!!!!) and the kids will move on and I will put a bow on the house and wave goodbye.

Can I ask what the job is that you love?

Sure. I'm not real clear on how "anonymous" I have to be here on DB, so hope that I'm not breaking any rules.

I am working for our local civic center as a "Box Office Customer Service Specialist".

More than the work, its the treatment I have received from my bosses and coworkers.

First day - here's copies of all the keys (trust)

-we're counting on you to help develop an expansion (faith)

-we'd like your input (interest in what I have to say!)

I cannot properly express how significant this is to me. It makes me tear up -happy ones- just to think about what a GIFT I have been given in the form of this job. Sigh. You just don't know Mercy but I've gotten sappy of late.

Thank you one and all who stopped by!!

I hope your weekend is going well and that you are finding refreshment for the coming week.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi Mrs. J -

I really enjoyed reading your recent posts, am so very happy for your positivity and great outlook!

Love the MLC storage closet - heaven knows there's one place I never want to attempt to clean out!

I think it is great to have respect and fulfillment in your job. It definitely helps with the PMA.

Keep up the great work

[mizjjd]

Yesterday D18's car got totaled. She wasn't in it, it was parked, so thank heavens for that!

My brother, substance abuser and possible MLCer, has been "pulling tricks" on his XSO of late. (I keep in touch with her, she's sort of my real world sounding board to an extent: my bro left her about 2 months before my H's bomb drop.)

So anyway, the woman my bro left his XSO for is rather a high strung individual. I won't say too much about her because I don't first hand know too much. I was acquainted with her about 25 years ago, but haven't seen her since then, so don't feel "I know her". Anyway, my bro is pushing the story that newgf is abusive. He "sneaks" occasional phone calls/texts to his XSO saying how bad he has it and how he wants to be with XSO. Last week he "got away" from newgf and called XSO to make R plans.

And called me (which he normally does about once a year, unless he needs something)with the story too, plus "oh can you send me $50 for a hotel room so I don't have to sleep on the street". Groan groan groan. But he's my brother, so what am I supposed to do? I sent him the money (cause you know, I've got soooo much money) Bro's plan was to R with XSO this past weekend.

XSO didn't hear from bro until Monday night - when he "got away" from "abusive" newgf again. XSO explained that while she would welcome him where she was, she couldn't leave her apt for 30 days. So he told her, "well I'll just go back to newgf until you're ready then."

In the meantime, I get a FB message from newgf, desperately seeking my bro "because he just left! just walked off! and I've looked everywhere for him!" We messaged a bit back and forth - she talked about bro's alcoholism and addictions, how she doesn't know how to handle it etc. Then 20 mins after that message/convo, she messages "Oh, he just called me! He's back with me now! Every thing's fine!"

.....the only thing I know for sure is that NOTHING is "fine" about any of that.

And XSO is left going "What the H just happened here?"

sigh sigh sigh

Better run. Have D18 accident related things to take care of.

[job]

I am so sorry to hear that your d's car was totaled, but I'm glad she wasn't in it. I do hope that the driver who hit it came forward and has insurance and a valid driver's license.

As for your brother and his situation, you can't make this stuff up. I'm surprised his gf contacted you about him, but they all have the nerve to do things when they want something.
At least you've got a good handle on mlc and are aware of the many things that the mlcer can do to play the game.

I hope things work out for your d and she's able to get another car soon.

Take care of yourself.

[MissAgnes]

Hi Miz J,

I'm glad D wasn't hurt. That must be a relief.

You sound so happy. I'm glad you are being treated at your job the way you ought to always be treated.

I'm happy for you.