There is a "punishing" indifference with one showing displeasure, versus going "dim" or "dark", where you still maintain cordialness, as if they were a store clerk or something, polite, but not seeking further engagement and showing positivity. Interested in what you mean in your sitch.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
It would be the dim/dark attitude. I'll be nice, of course, but not as willing to joke and be talkative. I'm doing it to see how things go. I'm thinking she may be more relaxed and chatty because she's "happy" with the fact that she's getting what she wants (freedom/D) and I'm being so nice about it. There have been very few consequences to her actions.
It's a 180 for me, in a way. It's how I was initially, and I was getting hugs and ILYs, but also venom. I then started being nicer and the hugs/ILYs stopped but she was more relaxed and pleasant.
Thoughts on whether that's proper dbing for me? Do the findings of my study matter? Should I leave well enough alone as long as she's pleasant?
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Going dim/dark is really for you, to help you detach and ease the insanity some. But if you do, I highly recommend Sandi2's 37 rules...and the advice to always be pleasant, just not initiating or "hanging on" to an interaction to get more. Since my W has stayed in-house, I have done more of a dim dance. When I went dim, yes, it increased her venom (especially since I remained pleasant and non-vindictive), but, at least in my sitch, W needed to express and eventually "burn-off" all her unexpressed anger until she realized that it wasn't me she was mad at anymore, but something else...so it was an unpleasant, but necessary course for her to realize where healing needed to come from...(within her).
I think as long as you can remain non-vindictive and act "as if" (and our W's know us very well, so you have to really get "there"), then going dim may help you, and also remind W of what may be lost/thrown away. And it gives her (eventually) less reasons to blame you for stuff since you aren't there as much to be associated with whatever it is she feels angry at. In my sitch, I maintained a respectful manner towards her, especially important when the kids were present, just distant and non-initiating (except for house/kid business)...the best metaphor I can think of is that I treated her like a co-worker who was in a different, but important, department.
That's my take, and I have read others here who say that the faster you detach and go dim, the faster (relatively speaking) they might move through the tunnel...but as always, your mileage may vary.
Hope that helps some... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
It would be the dim/dark attitude. I'll be nice, of course, but not as willing to joke and be talkative. I'm doing it to see how things go. I'm thinking she may be more relaxed and chatty because she's "happy" with the fact that she's getting what she wants (freedom/D) and I'm being so nice about it. There have been very few consequences to her actions.
Have either of you started the D process?
Quote:
It's a 180 for me, in a way. It's how I was initially, and I was getting hugs and ILYs, but also venom. I then started being nicer and the hugs/ILYs stopped but she was more relaxed and pleasant.
Thoughts on whether that's proper dbing for me? Do the findings of my study matter? Should I leave well enough alone as long as she's pleasant?
Forgive me if I missed it, (I looked back) but what do you mean by "the findings of your study"?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
No, neither of us have started the D process, though she will sometimes say that's where she's leaning if she had to decide today.
When I said, "the findings of my study," I meant changing my attitude to see how she responds in an effort to determine if she's only being nice because she's getting what she wants, e.g., smooth path to D.
T^2 can you link the 37 rules you mentioned?
Big thanks to you both for your help!
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
I could be way off base with what I'm about to say, and I apologize in advance if that's the case.
DBing, as I understand it, is about YOU. I pick up from your posts that you "try out" different behaviors in an attempt to get a response from your W. VERY UNDERSTANDABLE. But, I think according to DB guidelines, not the goal.
If going dim/dark works FOR YOU, then do it. If not, then don't. All decisions need to be based FOR YOUR BENEFIT, not to get a reaction from the MLCer. Remember the zero expectation policy.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know personally how hard it is to go day after day without seeming to be seen or heard by my H. Sometimes I wonder if he'd notice if I set my head on fire
Its all really hard MM. Its all a juggling act - caring for the MLCer, caring for the children, and caring for yourself. Its counterintuitive to NOT address what seems to be the cause of such turmoil - the MLCer- but that's what has to be done. Care for yourself and your children - do what works for you and them FIRST.
God bless
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
MM, You have been given excellent advice by all, but the one posting that stands out for me is the one that mizjid posted to you.
Dbing is for YOU...it is to help you in the long term and the principles can be used in your day-to-day life. It is not just to get your spouse's attention.
If you are doing different things to get your spouse's attention...stop right now. Any changes that you make are to be made for you and are to remain permanent. If you are doing and/or making changes to get her attention, I can assure you, she is very much aware of what you are doing and you are pushing her even further away.
Your wife is the exact opposite of who she was pre-crisis. She's on a journey to find herself, to better understand why she feels the way she does. She thinks she missed out on something at a younger age and she did...she didn't learn how to cope well and her emotional growth was stunted at a very early age. She wasn't validated and most likely tried to please her parents, teachers and anyone in authority and they didn't recognize her for her talents and efforts. Her crisis didn't happen over night, it took years and years to get to this point and there's nothing you can do to stop the course she's on.
What you can do is keep the focus on you and your children. Learn to live life as if she's never going to return, but you can leave the door ajar. Make a list of the things that you haven't done, and yet, have wanted to do because of lack of time, etc. This list will help you stay focused on what needs to be done and helps to keep your mind off of what is going on w/your wife.
The mlc journey is not for the faint of heart. You have to dig very deep for patience and learn all you can about it. This is your journey as well and one that will have highs and lows, but you will get through the journey and you just might be surprised at what you learn about yourself along the way.
So, let's get some plans in place for the weekend. Okay? Put the "attention getters" away and just be yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks everyone! I need y'all to remind me what I'm doing here. I'm a fixer by nature and this is very hard for me. Hard in that I fall into my trap of trying to fix things.
Snodderly, the plans for today are baseball signups and then heading to a basketball game this evening.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
W made it to church with us. We were the happy family, though many know better. The friend that she went out with last night came up to me, gave me a hug and said praying for y'all.
Very frustrating. I sit there and think, "are you listening to any of this?"
Patience.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
