Sexless marriage. H Left. Now retrouvaille in 3wks

[findingself]

AM2012...is it too much pressure to start the 'sex' side of the marriage yet...do you need to become friends again, maybe start small with some sort of 'dating'

If this is the new you...does he need to get to know the new you...seems like you two have not been intimate for a while...

Also I am trying to look at it as not working on the m but trying to make a 'new' marriage...this is my goal...there are way to many aspects of the old m that did not work...but a good basis for what did work...

But this is me in my own mind...have not been able to mention this stuff to h yet...no chance..

I'infidele...

I'm thinking the right response is standing up and taking responsibility. So unilaterally do everything you can to understand why you are Low D, medical, psychological, reading, counselling etc. He should know that you are doing everything you can to improve yourself...all the GAL stuff...including learning who your sexually.

(sorry when I have tried quoting before it did not worrk)


I have been looking at these items too...doctors won't even test now because of all the psychological...there is too a lot of details and issues of our sex life that steam from the pressure H put on my because of my LD, this in turn made things worse for me, the shame, guilt, anger and pressure at times made it...that even if I had thought about wanting to have sex...if I then decided not to and had told him yes previously I would have felt incredible guilt...if at those times instead of H making me feel wrong for those feelings, if he had suggested maybe just cuddling or a back rub for me instead this might have in turn help to get me connected with him and to the point of sex...

This was of course a need I did not tell him at the time...just food for thought now...

Since IC this was the only topic I have broken down about...the pressure on 'me' in the sex life, the pressure still present as H always told me he could and would have sex at anytime...that makes me so guilty!

I have told h that I also had issues with the lack of sex life and have concerns and did not address them fully...but neither did he except for always telling me it was my issue to deal with...(a big part of our marriage that neither did the work in and destroyed us)

Sorry for stealing the thread some...thought this may help in the discussion...

[findingself]

and I am off moderating!!!

[AM2012]

These conversations are backsliding nothing more. Sometimes I start them sometimes he does.yes I want answers and I know I am not getting them , but I just can't stop. I am going mentally crazy.

He just came home and said he wants to talk to me. He said " listen this goes beyond you, it's all about me". He said" I can't make a decision for the life of me. I can't make a decision about us, about work about nothing ". He said I need to see someone I can't live like this anymore.

I have never been in this position of being uncertain of everything in my life so I am struggling with this greatly. I know I need to leave him alone and figure this out.

[findingself]

I am still new...but...

Does this seem insightful of him or not...remember 50% of what you see or hear...

Does he typically need time on his own to make judgements and reflect on things...were you supportive in this discussion, how did you react to him and what he was saying?

Space might be the best thing here...make the road home smooth etc..

But remember I am new...:)

[labug]

AM, it sounds like your H is truly struggling and looking for help. Saying he needs to see someone is huge to him, I would guess. (That's if I read that correctly and he means some type of counseling)

Can you talk to him when he brings up his distress? Ask questions, not try to fix or impose your feelings or judgments. Don't lead the conversation, let him.

There is always uncertainty in life, always...and getting comfortable with that is part of this process. Learning to take things as they come and not reacting as if everything is the end of the world is hard but it's doable. Can you let go of your fear and work on your reactions to things about which you are uncertain?

You aren't going mentally crazy, really you aren't.

[AM2012]

Yes a therapist. He is usually the decision maker so this is definitely new to his personality and he is definitely struggling.

Yes I have to work on my fears. I don't have any other option. I need it for both of us and our children. I have to listen To him. I can't respond with anything as any response I have leads him to thinking I am controlling. He has made the comment several times that he needs to finally make a decision once in his life, not to let me the controlling one make a decision. I will admit I am controlling but I never saw it as controlling as more as me bring helpful, however that's not how it was perceived.

[labug]

Sweetie, you are controlling but it's good that you're willing to admit it because now you can fix it. (I was too) That should be your focus right now, letting people be in charge of their lives, we all deserve that.

You know it's help when someone asks you to help, otherwise it's control.

What are your fears?

[stilllookingup]

AM, I'll be repeating myself but will say it again. Yes you need to leve him alone. In sorry you have to deal with the uncertainty but who isn't? on this forum. This is our true test whether if you love this man enough to let him figure out his life.

It's so scary my H said exactly the same thing when he first dropped BD 4 months ago. He said he finally has courage to tell me his honest feelings, to tell me he needs to be happy. Like you, I knew I was controlling but I always thought I let him be involved in important decisions. He's a very laid-back H so I guess you an say I took that for granted. I said in my thread but the truth is he tuned out because it was always about what I wanted, what he had to do to make me happy. So when he reached to the point where he felt he couldn't make me happy, he felt he needed to leave. The truth is he was making me happy but I simply didn't know how to show it.

You need to make him feel like a man, let him be back in charge.

One last thing - I would be very careful with all the questioning if I were you. The biggest mistake I'd done 4 months ago - I asked many questions because I thought that's what would clear up his mind. Big mistake. He said he felt interrogated.

[labug]

I think it depends on the how you ask the questions and what questions you ask. I'm not suggesting the first degree but questions that help him realize that you care, are trying to understand and want him to be happy.

"you're really confused, that must be difficult. Is there anything you need from me?"

And then stop talking, become comfortable with silence. he may or may not talk but you've let him know you're there and hearing him.

You're not questioning for any reason other than to give him the opportunity to talk and you to listen.

[stilllookingup]

You're not questioning for any reason other than to give him the opportunity to talk and you to listen.

Agree. My questions I asked my H 4 months ago were stupid. I asked if I had changed (duh), why he married me (uh duh) etc. Of course I answered these questions few months later, on my own.

I asked because I had somebody very close to me who was going through the same thing at that time and her H just came back to her (then he left again only 2 weeks later) so I thought I could use what she suggested me that I'd ask. Big mistake. Everyone's situation is different and it was silly of me to ask my H exact same questions she asked her H when our situations were completely different. But again, this was when I was still in my desperate phase so I just wanted to do everything anything that sounded good.