hope things are going well at your house. sounded like on an intreresting new tack (?) up there with you all.
good luck.
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just always remember you can get off this ride anytime you want...if not prepare for the ride, its a rocky one.
yeah- you sure said a mouth ful.
havign trouble today not thinking about past or future or plan or anything productive. need to get brain back in sht off mode.
his cavalier comments on phone to buddy yesterday got me thinking of rude things he's said & how very carless he is of my feelings . i hate being a wah wah baby- am sometimes tho.
oh well huh? i am getting pretty darn tired of gracefully accepting that i'm some horrible leper that doesn't de ser ve love or respect or anything - unlike him who deserves "it all" and then some.
oh well- i'm thinkng over your comments about what aliens they are- and admiring your latest moves and results and strangth-
i'm hoping i get some backbone one of these days.
wish me luck with that-
back to the fence now- i know, it'll come. (SOMETHIGN) ONE way or the other - one day or the other....
just journaling and have to say - i think i "feed" off the positive vibes and messages of possible hope i get in this forum. maybe a little addiction at the moment. it's grim enough in "reallife" - where society & everyone (it seems almost) demands action and cure and so forth - immediately. patience and "hang in there" are in short supply.
it may be foolhearty to even try dbing- don't know til one tries, do we? like the lottery- could be a winner - could be good money after bad. problem is- ya gotta be in it to win it. - so we try it -
we have to try- it's all i can come up with in life. as to why i bother and why i subject myself to this crappola (just like the darn book says - we ask ourselves why we endure it - alot of the time)
i guess we're just unwilling to let go of the notion in life of "possible miracles" or possible success. for bad or good-
oh well- just throwing it out there- got enough sleep last nite- so got that going for me. h had biopsy from tongue yesterday- glad i'm not petty enough to actually wish this guy ill.
his dad has two biopsies (alot more serious) next week - with all this ill health around and cancer scares - i can't get past feeling grateful to be alive and healthy and sane. (as usual) my matra -
well, that and "love will find you". quite like it. there was something else- i can't think of it rite now- words to live by that fell in my lap from unexpected source.
i hope my cup stays half full - no matter what the future holds. just when i think i can't stand it one bit more (yesterday) i manage to stay mum the whole day and "not go there" and not fight, talk, etc. just STFU AND then get to feel that little bit of proud of my self control.
does it accomplish anything - who knows? is it a worthy pursuit- who knows? oh well- just sayin.
anyone who reads this- i wish you a great day.
xxo (oh yeah- it was from another flea market person i've befriended (my new bff)_ who is a real interesting person- told me last weekend "be open to the universe" - which i also think is a worthy sentiment to keep in forefront of mind- so here's me - finding wisdom at the flea. i always tell people sooner or later you can find ANYTHING at the flea market - who would have thought "wisdom".??
Hey Nero, sorry I haven’t been here for you! I have been taking some time to understand what I am going to do about my sitch. I think your reaching some point of acceptance and true understanding about you own sitch, and the reality of that is really something to take in.
When I realized it was ‘’ok’’ if H and I don’t get back to our M, mainly because how could he become better for me than he was, and our R was not going to be the same ever again, I went a little stir crazy. I didn’t know what to do with my new revelation, the energy I gained from the new way I was thinking was flowing fast through me making me hyper for a new start with nowhere to go!
Your H doesn’t talk to you, so your sitting around getting sickened by his actions, and your assumptions. Nero, that’s no way to live, he’s not holding back for you, he’s not changing for you, nor is he expressing anything close to what you need.
Yea, my H talks, calls, even cried last week, but it doesn’t change a damn thing, he is still not who I want as my life partner. He’s not a horrible person, he’s generous, hardworking and polite, but I want someone with much more to there makeup than that.
We have been at this a long time you and I, and yes we’re tired, frustrated, lonely, and sickened by it all. But, it’s also time we put ourselves first and get our minds off their a$$es. Strangely enough I have taken this week to do more things for myself, even in the face of H talking to me more, joking and even laying in my bed, I find myself needing to GAL and 180 even more.
I don’t want to put any happy endings to this, give him any benefit of the doubt or trust him with my L and affections. Wow, doesn’t that speak volumes for what kind of guy I am dealing with, why would I think this is the guy I want in my life for my future years. I’m still praying that one day maybe we can get to that point, but I also need to be realistic and open to the possibility/reality that may not happen.
I went for coffee last night and this lady told me the story about a guy who was married, he had an A, D, and then M the OW. Now that he’s older he said, you know I look at my first W and see that I have crushed her, she never remarried, I loved her, and even though I L my W now, I should have never left my first W. He said this W, that W, it doesn’t really matter in the end it all ends up being the same, so you might as well just stay put in your M.
Now, that is from one WAS point of view of course, but I find it very interesting how he see’s that he has really accomplished nothing in the end. I know my H see’s it exactly the same way, he has said he would be an idiot to leave me, his life would $uck and he would be just as unhappy if he left me, and worse. But, I can’t put that in consideration when I am thinking of what’s best for me.
You have to consider what is best for you and work toward it. I don’t begin to understand your two-house sitch, but if it doesn’t work for you anymore being around ‘’his world’’ than fix what’s not working. Either make Fl. a place where you continue to feel at home, needed and wanted, or try to talk to him about what is your place there. Who is he picking you up and driving you down there, why does he continue to make this offer to you? Remember, you thank him for it, but it does confuse you and gives you mixed messages.
Read the 5 Languages of Love so you can talk to your H and get closer to the answers you need. Your going stir crazy and he needs to talk to you so you get out of his one way conversations and stop assuming yourself to death. Get the free amazon Kindle app on your computer through amazon, and then download the book, that’s if you don’t have an e-reader. I am reading Desperate Marriage by the same author.
This site is awesome, I actually found myself telling this lady last night if it wasn’t for this site I would have left H, and I know how not to look back (I left home for 10 yrs as a kid) and that would have been that. But, I am fighting the fight and will see this through, I don’t like D, I hate it, so I now (because of this site) need to finish my journey as well.
That said Nero, I think you need more than this site, as well as I do to continue your journey, you should be exploring all of your options to help you along and give you the tools you need to continue on the right path. Everyone’s tool bag is filled with what works for them, it is trail and error and thank goodness this site is our one constant.
Hope this helps a little, at least you always see your not alone!
((((((((((nero))))))))))))
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
our going stir crazy and he needs to talk to you so you get out of his one way conversations and stop assuming yourself to death.
oh brother - have you got that right. onec in a ratty argument he said "expect lies". well, i'd bet you he doesn't even remember sayign it- it was crushing at the time- i believe it tho and think of it every time hismouth opens. you are correct in all you say- and i feel abouthim like you feel aboutyourh- this guy is not what you want for yourwhole rest oflife- hemay have some verynice qualities- hemay care (in hisown stupid way) butis it making me happy- i'd say NOT.
HE CAN'T see that he hasn't -gotta go back in a bit
had to run out before- i know what you're saying and i hear it.
it's true- i do need more- but also true that this is the one place i can come and feel like someone REALLY DOES understand and it is constant. .
allong with all the rest - the up and down- ness of it all. that's what dbing people "get".
when i get back to nj- i will get my self to work - somewhere - outside the house. only one tutorial to attend and then i'm good to go with the substitute teaching. so that is a big something concrete - but who really knows what will pop up and if something did and fell in my face- i'd do it.
ebay makes me spare change- it's not enough and I KNOW FULL WELL i need the social network i missed these last 30or so years.
one of these years i'll finally put to rest the whole can of wormms this mlc opened. i'm happy of my progress - some days i am merely frustrated over my lack of ability or desire to just jump forward (A HUGE JUMP) and make a difference.
i'm not there- i'm on my way tho- even i, even when i'm wacked out and driving myself nuts- can register that it's not the gut-wrenching affair it was a couple years ago.
since i'm a girl with a work room full of craft supplies and "GREAT STUFF' - AND I DO HAVE A BIT OF A PROBLEM LETTING GO- AS WELL AS COMMITTING, IN LIFE. I know, wierd combo huh?
Anyway-
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When I realized it was ‘’ok’’ if H and I don’t get back to our M, mainly because how could he become better for me than he was, and our R was not going to be the same ever again, I went a little stir crazy. I didn’t know what to do with my new revelation,
interesting that you can look at this and say this so calmly. when the times come and h is "normal" , however rare - when he forgets himself and his agenda of "no fun" with me- i don't get all hopeful- but i register that there might be some kind of r we could have - BUT IT DOES NOT include me and her both. like you- . that is that.
unfortunately- much as i'd like to intellectualize all the ow junk - (which is crap, btw) - it matters. this jacka$$ gets to say it's not all that important WHILE he's having it and seeking it. yeah- rite.
i'm not brain dead...
i am not nuts enough to be thinking we get back what we had. he's killed it - i'm in some wierd "riding it out" place.
i'm not panicking because i've got the rest of my life to find my new life & head down that new road. i'm not so afraid of life alone anymore. having had lots and lots of time to think it over and get used to the idea - i know several people doing just that and surviving okay. i can see rite in my face that it's doable and i will just make it work. one way or the other.
h doesn't see that- it's just too bad that when i do, it won't probably have a place for him. (i'm not making promises - i just think that is how it will turn out with a person like me maybe) i know, i keep being told i think too black & white. but then, is it anything else when it comes to love and loyalty? do ow REALLY have a place in our r's? i don't think so- maybe it's like instinct and animal kingdom- it IS bladk and wh ite.
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Read the 5 Languages of Love so you can talk to your H and get closer to the answers you need. Your going stir crazy and he needs to talk to you so you get out of his one way conversations and stop assuming yourself to death.
i'll find the book - but HONESTLY , i have to say, this guy does not choose to share his thoughts or honesty with me- it is a choice i believe. he certainly can find the words if he wanted to- whether he avoids it because he can't face life without me (yeah- rite) or because he is the world's biggest chicken - and he can't engage in an uncomfortable talk . - i don't know. one of these days i won't care.
he'll take the easy way out of everything. (i assume at this point in our lives) he'll keep mum til i die on the vine and do the hard thing for him. he'll have a life with ow because it's "easier" than anything else. probably til soemthing else easier still comes along.
WELL- YUCK AND YUCK - NOW THAT i say that stuff out loud- i am sick of hearing myself TALK about htis junk. Ican't talk - disgusted saying it out loud. for nice ole me to be so unimportant to such a goober - what does a girl do with that info. that was you were talking about is rite- what the heck does it matter or accomplish- in the end??? except the poor old broken and discarded woman??? oh man... BUT - WE'RE ONLY "DONE FOR" IF WE LET OURSELVS BE- and this girl isn't laying down and dying over this.
HOWEVER- AS WE speak his father is sitting home awaiting results of tests that look mighty grim- and thinking of that man worrying like mad and prayign for a miracle - and not to have either liver cancer or pancreatic cancer- (geeeez & gulp) i can't stop and agonize today over this. i am back to glad to be alive and confident i will not croak from all this.
probably end up rather damaged about it all and ALOT LEESS roMANtic in life - bvut who knows. i still find the zest creeping back into my body & mind. nice to know it won't kill me after all-
some how i'll get thru it all - AND I MEAN IT ALL - and go rite on. AND I SWEAR TO YOU- IF IT KILLS ME- I WILL NOT END MY DAYS LIKE MY MOM - MAD and icky and mean to anyone that comes near - aAND ALWASY LUSTING after those who don't come.
oh man- GOD SAVE US ALL from being that - a person who always is lusting after the greener grass. my life may $uck at the moment- but it's still better than those guys who are never satisfied with what they ahve that is good. and are unable to see it , feel it and know it in theirh earts.
i may be a jerk and alot of other things they do not like- but i am a lucky girl to know what i have that IS good-
i'm gonna go visit my sister and play with the baby a bit- nothing like a fat little grinning baby to perk a girl up - rite?
thanks for note. you keep me on balance- i do feel like you- i'm not at that extreme courage place yet. maybe this being here together steels me a bit. i think your h coming home always and you being together thru soooo much has helped you reach your "limit" - i'll get there.
i'll work on that tool bag- just like the job- i know i can do it- not sure of any details at all- but just know it.
tra la. glad to hear your voice - glad you're "out ther" hope your day is good. ifyou find yourself thinking "oh no- nero- what the heck is she moaning about today" - jst write and say geton with it woman- and i'll do better. no kidding- i don't want to be the misery girl everyone dreads=-
i'm still laughing as much as possible- not going to hand that in- okay- im outta here- too ramblie -
i'm not so afraid of life alone anymore. having had lots and lots of time to think it over and get used to the idea - i know several people doing just that and surviving okay. i can see rite in my face that it's doable and i will just make it work. one way or the other.
it's funny how they force us to have the courage to be without them, as they think we're here for the long haul. They are narcissistic enough to believe we're not going to give them up totally. But, they themselves become our greatest teachers of how to chose happiness and peace over being M.
Hell, it's getting easier to really chose me over him now! I went the whole day without talking to him, and its took no effort, or any real reason, I just didn't have anything to say to his character.
Oh well, not much of a revelation, just a quiet lull and I'll take it.
Stay hopeful, enjoy your weather!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
the quiet is killing me around here. i am remembering what a "pack animal" i am- need the group.
loooove my solitude (if i chose it) hate it when shoved down my throat- what? me want what i want when i want it???
who woulda knew. i'm heading out to snuggle baby and have a laugh - you're soooo rite- i have nothing to say to him usually too- and hate that too- it squelches my natural enthusiasm in life- i'm finding it harder to be me around him- bad news for him.
I just didn't have anything to say to his character.
yeah - you've got that right - his "character". me either- and i'm a talkin kinda gal.
so- religion and philosophy aside- you have to wonder about life, people, r's, etc.
wtf - maybe this is approaching some kind of "awakening" when a person begins to suspect that every single thing might actually be not a darn thing. that IT ALL just doesn't matter - really.
oh well- i need to find my buddha book about happiness and begin re-reading it- fell off my book wagon. too busy with life, kids, sick parents, etc.
You sound better today on my thread! Keep it up so you can bring me along! My iPad is dying but I wanted to say thanks! I may still do that hotel for a big long hot tub soak, and to get away!
I feel this very strong urge, need, want, for attention, a soft look in someone's eyes, a touch!
New subject I guess, have a good day!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
ME TOO- I'D KILL FOR SOME interaction that was affectionate- kindly- interested, interesting, MEANT SOMETHING INSTEAD of csual jokey crap- and it is crap, make no mistake.
this business of life on the outter shell- nothing inside- nothing deep or meaningful- all image & posturing, posing- total garbage.
my h seems to be king of garbage - it's better than the picking and criticizing and fighting. but a different kind of torture - no talking- nothing "real" -j ust crap.
oh well- after all my pitbull-ing- i'm off to do someting. need to exercise too- blubbing up a bit but have on some tight pants that look okay today- so i'm thinking i may toss out a bunch of junk from my closet. i've got the biggest selection of cruddy looking stuff you ever imagined.
fingers crossed. MAYUBE we've been spoiled for a long long time and now we're croaking for a little bit of what we had.
don't know how to fix it- lets tell ourselves we've very very lucky for what we had.
my mom was married 20 years - she was 42 i think d, then my dad died and she's spent since 1969 on her own. can you imagine??? i'm croaking from a few years of wierdness. she probably hasn't been huged or kissed for over 30 years. - cripes!!! grimmmm i don't think i could do that- never tried tho.
i see so many couples and lots are wierdie-pie- surely we could dig up someting, someone to spend our lives with and have some fun?????
i'm outta here for real. love - i miss it too- i miss cake with big frosting/lard too- just can't do it everyday. we can do this - i'm pretty darn sure.
