First Timer

[wolverine1997]

This is the funny part, I don't think that her way is necessarily wrong per se, but I know that she babies him and caters to him too much. But I think she does that out of guilt. Now she is just the opposite, she KNOWS that my way of parenting is wrong. She even questions things that I would obviously know more about as a man than she would. But I have learned (and am continuing to learn) how to handle those types of situations better, without responding to every sarcastic, smart alec remark. It is hard though at times.

[wolverine1997]

Just got back from shopping. She was somewhat pleasant at times. Especially while in the store with her coupons. She gets a real rush when she is able to use coupons to get a good deal. We are now heading back out for dinner. I will see how it goes.

[adinva]

This is the funny part, I don't think that her way is necessarily wrong per se, but

Wolverine, I disagree with how you're painting yourself here. The word choice you chose in the earlier posts was quite judgmental and clearly implied that her way was wrong in your view (waaaaaaay too ____). You're backpedaling now, and not only that you're also pointing the blame back at her that she judges you more than you judge her. I'm sorry, but she's not here asking for advice, you are, and it'll be a while of you working on you before you get anywhere near the opportunity to hope for her to work on her. Be a man only a fool would leave. Model the way you want to be treated. Work on what you control.

[wolverine1997]

I honestly don't feel that her way is wrong, just certain aspects of it. Overall she is a good parent, I just feel that she is over protective of our son and babies him too much. Let a boy be a boy. But I understand why she does it. At times I have to speak up when I don't think it is in his, or the family's best interest for her to treat him a certain way. But she always has good intentions when dealing with him though.

She is wrong at times, just like I am wrong, and everyone else in the world is wrong at times. But she gets upset if I don't agree with her when dealing with him. So I always have to pick my battles and choose my words wisely.

[adinva]

Ok, I'm not trying to make you feel defensive, just trying to give in an outside perspective on the specific issue. The way you originally phrased was in your opinion she babies him waaaaaaaay too much. You added a lot to that statement when you were challenged, that adds perspective and context, tones the statement down, adds recognition of equal imperfection in yourself, in your later responses in your defense.

She gets upset when you don't agree. Maybe it's the way you don't agree. Your response is to pick your battles instead of to work on the way you disagree.

There are respectful ways to disagree, and using judgmental words like "babies him" and exaggeration like "waaaaaaaaay too" aren't respectful or indicative of the perspective and context you later indicated you had. What if instead you approached that as she is so close to him that she understands and anticipates ways to make his life easier, which is GREAT, but for him to be able to handle other people who know and understand him less well, he has this different relationship with you where you can work together on different and new coping skills or whatever.

I think picking battles is sometimes a good way of showing respect to your wife too, if you mean not disputing her on things that you don't even think are that important. But practicing ways of respectfully handling conflict sounds like a good thing to work on, and frustrating as it is, it can even be worked on with someone who doesn't show the same skills back. That's what I'm trying to do in my R, with irregular and limited success, but the skills I can gain will stay with me whether or not my H comes back.

[wolverine1997]

Just wrote a very detailed post and computer erased it somehow. Gotta see if I can find it.

[wolverine1997]

Adinva, thank you for your excellent posts. I appreciate your insights. I agree that she is trying to make his life easier. And I know that she wants the best for him as do I. But I think she is inadvertantly making his life more difficult in the long run. Granted, this is coming strictly from a male's perspective. But I remember growing up with other boys who were considered to be "momma's boys". They didn't fit in or relate as well and often got picked on. I currently now see the same with some grown men. Men can typically tell other men who were coddled or babied as boys, those traits typically carry on well into manhold and is not viewed favorable among most males. Men who are viewed as momma's boys usually have a more difficult time relating to other men. And with my son being autistic he already has many challenges to deal with. I don't want to add to them. With that being said I really think that it is important that children are raised with the balanced qualities of both parents. The loving, nurturing, qualities of mom and the masculine qualities of dad. Both qualities complement each other. That is all I want her to see. But I agree that I must find a better way to disagree with her . I don't argue or insult when I disagree but maybe I need to choose better words. I never thought that my words were a problem but I can see how using the term "babying" could be taken negatively. Which is not my intent. Thanks for the comments.

[wolverine1997]

Well, it has been about a week or so since my wife delayed divorce process and I have began using DB skills. I have set some goals, asked for what I wanted, and began doing a 180. Let's see how things have fared.

1. I asked my wife if we could spend some time together each week. She agreed to it albeit not enthusiastically. So far we have gone out shopping, to lunch and dinner and to the movies. The kids have been with us on each occassion. She is always the most pleasant while shopping. I guess her shopping endorphines kick in and she is in a good mood. Also, when she, my son and I went out to dinner we had a pretty good time. A lot of small talk about the food, kids, work, etc. Overall, the results have been ok to good. I will keep doing this since nothing bad has resulted.

2. I asked her if we could talk more. She agreed to this. This has been either feast or famine. She seems to talk more when we are out together but a lot less at home. Also, she seems not to want to talk as much when she gets home from work. I have worked hard on not calling her as much on the phone. I have always called her at work to see how her day was going and when I am working nights (I'm a swing shift worker) I would call to check on her and the kids. I call a lot less now. This is still a work in progress. When she wants to talk, she talks, but when she doesn't want to talk she refuses. I guess that I'll just keep playing it by ear. She rarely initiates a conversation. So I will continue to try to talk and if she talks fine, if not, then I will leave her alone.

3. I performed a 180. She has complained in the past about me not helping more with the kids. I always felt that I did as much or more with the kids then she does since I am home with them more. But I decided to really focus on this and decided to help get them ready for school. Every off day morning (I work a swing shift) I get up and make breakfast. Also, every night I make a lunch for my son. My wife usually re-makes the lunch after I do it but I pack the lunch anyway. So far I don't know if this has helped but I will keep doing it regardless. I actually kinda enjoy it.

4. This week we will go to counseling. I am a little leary about doing this. She agreed to go but I don't think that she will give it a fair shot to be successful. I think that she will go in with the thought that this won't help and use it as an opportunity to air all of my faults. But we shall see.

So overall I guess that I am no worse off than where I was a week ago, so I will keep doing things this way for a little while longer. Any suggestions anyone?

[Maritimer]

I couldn't help notice the similarities in our situation. My wife was postpartum after the birth of our first son 3 years ago and started taking anti depression meds. 6 months ago we discovered he was autistic. Even before that everything I did to help parent was not the correct way so eventually I stepped back with my help. Our other son just turned 1 year old the weekend and as of lately I have been helping out big time with the both of them.(one of my 180's). 3 months ago she told me she wants out of the marriage (WAW) and is not willing to even try to make it work.

I wonder how much of it has to do with stress, the autism diagnosis, her meds, postpartum, losing both parents in the last 3 years? It seems that walking away from the marriage will not help with the situation but will only create more problems.

They are great goals you have set! One thing I have learn t here is that it will take lots of time and patience - (the state of endurance under difficult circumstances).

I am only early into this game so the only advise I can give is to listen and implement the advice the vets give around here. Its tough but your best chance!

[wolverine1997]

Wow, our situations are very similar. It has been an uphill battle. Jump on the autism early. Not sure how Canada handles autism but it has been a diaster here in the states. Not much help from the government, school system or medical field until of late. Everyone has been in denial and trying to cover their butts legally.

I'm sure that your wife, like mine, blames herself for the autism and is probably obsessed with your son because of guilt. Even though it is not their fault they still fill guilty for not protecting the child. Couseling might help. I'm hoping it does for me.