Diving in with my eyes closed

[2chiquitos]

Thank you l'infidele for posting your experience. It gives such an insightful perspective amongst all this mess. I find myself understanding more what my true feelings are and it helps me to communicate better with H.

Wed I snooped. (I know, I know). However, Thank God I practiced the Al Anon program and I was able to find clarity among all of it. I spoke to H and told him, I don't want to know who you went to these places with, the truth is I don't trust you and that is what is frustrating me. We don't agree on how to rebuild trust and I'm distancing myself from you emotionally to protect myself.

It was a productive conversation because I was able to express myself in a nonthreatening way. Did he listen to my concerns? He did. Did things change the next day? Nope, or the next, or the next. However, I figured that much.

I feel as if I'm on my side of the couch watching TV and no longer paying attention to what he's doing. Again, feeling detached (with love) and surrendering it all to God.

Today he spent the day at home with us. We made lunch and he played baseball with S4. It felt so normal. I no longer expect him to express some revelation to me about R after these days. Instead, I enjoy it and go about my day as planned.

MC appt isn't for another 2weeks. He is BOOKED! I will be journaling on here a lot in order to keep a handle on my emotions.