Need to let go

[littleGTO]

I am in a very, very low place right now. I've been here before and know it will pass, but I can't stop crying.

I'm having a hard time accepting what is.

I forced myself to go out alone to a movie tonight. That was fine & I was okay there. However, I lied to my H and told him I was going out w a meetup group to socialize ...invented a story that the tennis group that I was going to meet w decided to just make it a social since courts weren't available.

He questioned me about how I came upon "this group." Told him I googled a sports and fitness group to meet up w and came upon this one & found one of there events was to play indoor tennis (all true).

He noticed I had taken off all 3 rings he'd had given me on my right hand & before I left said "your rings are on the counter if you want them." Interesting.

He also clearly made a "sound" which I interpreted as "you aren't going out looking like that!" when I came downstairs. Of course he said nothing.

I told him I would be home at bedtime for the boys so he didn't have to stay late and so they didn't need to sleepover at his aptmt. My movie was later than I thought so I texted him at 10 and asked him if he minded if he put the boys to bed and I would be home at 11.

"Yes, he would mind," he said. So I texted him back saying, "No problem, just thought I would ask."

When I got home he was obviously upset (again) and then we got into things about the day. This included a last minute change in S13's birthday plans to do lasertag & dinner today, which I invited H to come (last minute,I'll admit). He commented on how he felt he should have been called about the switch in plans earlier. I said we just decided before S9's basketball game which is when I told you and invited you.

We got into this 10 minute discussion/argument about the boys and when/where he gets to spend "quality time" w them. I told him I didn't really want to be around him when he's here (at the house) but that I still feel strongly about boys having one home. Without going into it all here...he left in a huff.

But, he called me on his way back to his apartment and said he didn't want us to get into arguments where the boys were concerned as we were never ones to fight/argue so why start now.

He said maybe we can find time to talk tomorrow about the weekend time w the boys.

I am crying b/c of where we are at and the fact that it comes back to the reality that I know I can't be w my boys all the time any more. But, I can't seem to let this go!

And, also my H said on the phone how "proud" he is that I'm "getting out there and meeting new people" which is what he thought I was doing tonight, but wasn't. It was like he's cheering me on to move on w my life so he can move on w his.

Can't stop crying. It just hurts sooooooo much!!!