Looking for a little advice and support

[25yearsmlc]

Had to vent!!

Venting is good for ONE thing...releasing anger. If it ends up making you re-hash your grievance list,

and get mad all over again or feel more "right" about you and more "wrong" about the spouse, then venting is NOT helping.

It's leading to more "stinkin' thinkin'". I know I cannot read my old journals and feel good at all. I get mad all over again. So make sure the venting helps, and isn't hurting. If so, then vent away HERE!

Sorry for the length of this post but I incorporated your words to help clarify my response.



So I took MIL to a meeting today to meeting that she didn't want to go to by herself because her brother would be there! That's a long story.
Anyways when I go to drop her off this afternoon I see W car there. So I go inside and she is in room sleeping at 230 as usual. I asked her if she would like to see S before I go back to apartment. She says no!!
Who is this woman?!?!

She's a depressed woman, that's who she is. I recognize it as what I did after my father died. That was grief. I saw a shrink and got on some Anti-depressants and worked through my grief...about 6 months later things were better. Not "Fine" but I was functioning.

A few years later, we moved to Alaska (3 year assignment) and the length of dark hours per day really got to me. I was not "in grief"

but I was feeling as if a depression was coming. I felt pretty much like hybernating.

But the only family I had there, was h and our kids, including a newborn. You can't ignore a newborn.

Thank GOD she was an easy happy baby. Nothing cheers you up like when an infant seems honestly THRILLED to see you in the morning. So, there but for the Grace of God, go I.

So basically, I dragged myself out of bed and get through the day. That was the first winter.

When the 2nd winter came I KNEW things had to change b/c I knew what was coming. I knew it would not look normal til March (daylight wise) and I could not hybernate from October til then. (I knew some women who did. I knew the average military spouse gained 15lbs per year there...which I did not want to do.)

SO I GOT A LIFE like nobody knows how. Its the hardest I've worked just to feel alright. But I knew I had to do something physical and something social and something spiritual/emotional.

The more YOU GAL the more you are interesting as a person. Also, you'll be modelling for your wife, ways for her to snap out of things. She needs help but all you can do is support her efforts. (If you want suggestions for GAL, tell me b/c I have a long list).

Sometimes you support by SHOWING her how to do something without telling her.

I'd suggest also doing what my DB coach told me to do it and it's hard but it DOES help.

The DB coach said to:

"Applaud loudly for the 1% of things she does that are positive."

If she's depressed, then she does not feel good about herself so telling her "TO DO" something/anything, comes off as criticism, which it actually is a form of.

Positive reinforcement is more effective than negative. Period.

I'm not sure how YOU can get her to a doctor but maybe her mom/dad can. ??

If all this behavior is out of character, she ought to be examined for a physical cause.

Maybe use the "stress" of her horse being lame or the marriage in trouble or "hormones" or a genetice concern or whatever reason your MIL/FIL think would be least offensive/most effective with your w. SHe needs a physical exam and possibly a shrink.

I would not be the one to do it, if i were you, unless her r's with her parents stink. Even then...

As horrible as it sounds, 20% of brain tumor patients present with psychiatric symptoms. NO I do not think she has a brain tumor!

But my late BIL did. He was only 32 when he began to acting very goofy, and laughing too hard/too often and then getting SUPER quiet. This went on for maybe 2-3 months with normal periods in between. Then he'd tell an off color joke that was SO out of character for him. HE was a quiet British guy and suddenly acted like an American teenager from "Grease".

Then he had a seizure, and you can figure out the rest.

My point is simply that, our body affects our behavior just as our behaviors affect our bodies. We always have to check them both out.

Make sense?

So what CAN YOU DO about all this, NOW?

Instead of saying what you CANNOT do, like "can't take my w to the doctor", b/c apparently that's not an option (right?)


You can GAL. It's for you. However it also models it for your w IN CASE she wonders who to get out of her slump. And at some level, I bet she does.


Seriously, I just don't get it. I'm beginning to feel so much pain for my 3 year old son. And there is no question with each moment like this I am coming to grips with not wanting this M anymore either.

How long do you think your wife felt this very same way about you, BEFORE she began to withdraw?

How do you think her nights alone were? You know the nights you spent an another woman's house after drinking too much?

And did you even call her those nights? Gosh, wait...I'm not sure if that was better come to think of it what would you say, "W, I'm staying out all night again...sleeping over at a woman's house...NOT seeing son or you..."

So I guess you did NOT call her those nights...and how long was that?

ask yourself these questions, for now.

Have you given her HALF that time? I'm not judging. I'm asking.

IF your past behavior defined you, then would she be right to divorce you?