Looking for a little advice and support

[25yearsmlc]

Welcome aboard CBT,

"So with that said, what do you want to work on? Who do you want to be?"

I have really begun a couple months working on a lot of changes in me. I know I am capable of so much more. I've begun to treat my career as a 9-5 and doing it everyday. I've lost almost 20 lbs by exercising and eating better. I've curbed the drinking big time and have only gone out a couple times in the last couple of months.

This ^^all sounds great. May I assume that you come home and are not around OWs at all, or that girls house?

I suggest transparency with your w about this b/c I think as AS said, it did more damage that you can imagine. Honestly, even after my DB and a reconciled m, that behavior would be a dealbreaker for ME...even now...in fact especially now.

It's way too much of a red flag of disrespect to the marriage.

So I hope you tell her where you are and when you are coming home and then, be on time.





I have formed a much better relationship with Christ and the church.
I now see how selfish I was being. Constantly putting my needs before hers and my sons. I've learned that love is an action not an emotion. Loving somebody is all about putting their needs first because you can't live without them in your life.

I love that^^^ quote. Love is a verb, not just a noun. It requires action and choice...every day.

It's not just about a feeling.
I've really tried to learn through Christ the way I should treat my wife and our son. I had such a bad example as a father and picked up so many bad things. I'm learning to love as my Father would want me to and not how my biological father taught me.

^^^Wonderful insights and goal. If you get a chance, you might want to attend an individual personal growth workshop or retreat for YOU to make your changes...there are several so you don't have to just wait & see if your w is willing to go to Retrovaille.


The W definitely still communicates with me and even her friends have told me she wants it to work, but I just have a lot of changing to do.

Sounds like a road map then, right? Keep at it.


I'm nowhere close to where I want to be yet and wouldn't ask her to competely reconcile until I am.
Thanks for the support!

That's a good point. I think you asking HER about HER working probably set off a lot of triggers for her. Her family has provided money, right? So maybe to HER, you don't really have the right to ask her about financing things...??

Food for thought. Also, are you GAL? We hammer it here b/c it really helps YOUR PMA and it shows change b/c you are DOING something different.

GAL is not for her, it's for you. But it does tend to get noticed by the WAS...just like any positive changes.

changes + sufficent time = change she can believe in.

And you becoming the best you, that you can become,

is a great goal that benefits you as a man and as a father, regardless of what your w chooses.

Make sense?